Progression? Why Not?

Dear Diary,

Okay, so, its like this…

I mean logically thinking…

If two people want to be together, they make a way right? I mean its all about working together, helping one another, creating a partnership.

Here I am, this Jan it will be Year 4 since Ive begun seeing B.

We still live an hour apart.

We still have squabbles over the distance.

Still nothing has changed to bring either of us closer together.

I told a friend and many others, its like I live in two separate worlds. Theres time with B and then there is the time without. Theres my time here and day to day life, and theres weekends with him or visits to his city when the kids are gone.

Theres nobody really here at the end of the day to lean on, to run too. I was filling out my childrens emergency card for school again, and I just looked at it and B has never been on anything. I just stared at it and it hit me.

After almost 4 yrs we are still that distanced?

Im tired, I want to work part time, take care of a house again, and kids, volunteer in the classroom, be there to pick them up at school right as it ends instead of the after school program.

Here is B, he has a decent job, full health benefits, even dental, which i dont have and could really use for my youngest.

B is in the midst of having to move again, wondering where he will go. Looking at renting out rooms for places that are more expensive then my mortgage, about $100 more. Plus his portion of the utilities. I mean logically once again, we could be a big help to one another in the financial realm even.

He wrote me an email this Am, asked how my mornign was going, I told him Im back in the “Want to quit my job mode” and miss being Suzy Homemaker.
He replied with….

“Well starting to play the lottery might help your flight of fancy become a reality..

Time to find a new b/f perhaps. It requires one with a great deal of liquid income to support such a request, one which I wont be able to help you with anytime soon. shrug “

I wrote him back and said “Yes you could” to which he wrote “WHAT?” I said, what do think It takes me to live a month? Hell I get paid around $1200 and live on that. I raise two kids and maintain a house on that. So its not like Im rolling in big amounts of cash. My ex is court ordered to pay $950 a month in child support, plus the kids health insurance premium(another $200) to which he pays me zilch.

Life would be much different, my sister even said it, I could work part time, go to school, or do something different if I got the support. But I dont.

Anyways, I guess I just wanted to even hear B’s mindset, and Im just here so confused and lost right now.

Music dude said to me this weekend “Babe, we should have gotten married, cause now Im rich” he just got a trendy new pad of Sunset, said hes sitting on his balcony talking to me. Hes Mr Night Club owner now, mingling with the Hollywood celebs and all. I said “And yeah, what would I do all day as you work so much Id be lonely” He said “Umm have affairs?” I laughed.

He said his daughter is away for the month.

Anyways,,, just pouring out junk.