Whats Good About Him?

Dear Diary,

Morning.

Well I got a call, my therapist is sick, Im rescheduled for end of March,, ahhh well. I could have gotten in earlier but the other slots free were during my vacation when I will be in Nashville.

Guess its for the best, especially this week. Was going to have to leave work early 4 days in a row! So this elimanates one day and I can work a little longer. Tomm is oldest Childs dental appt.

Wed is class, thurs is Gyno appt. Woohoo! :::tongue out:::

So I was messaged last night by 2 fellas. One is a guy who does trick bicycling shows and such and travels. We began chatting on yahoo messenger when I split up with ex, we flirted, it was more sexual, and then that got old fast. We just say Hi now and then. Then Music dude messaged me, told me that as of yesterday hes part owner of a well known club in Hollywood. Hes been wanting to get in on a partnership for sometime, so he was happy. I thought for sure he would be up skiing in Wrightwood with all the snow yesterday. He said he planned to go but had to work out the club deal.

I then crawled into bed after midnight, Kissed B and snuggled up to him. I fell asleep pretty quickly, next thing I know the clock is going off, B didnt hit snooze as usual. He got up and headed out earlier then normal. Due to the storms, he was worried about rain and traffic. But he made it home in good time, called me just before 6am and left a voice mail.

I was thinking this AM, just thinking about the things Im attracted too. When I talk to Music dude, he says “Vicky, your used to drama, unavailable men”
And if I take a good hard look, B spend so much time being unavailable, yet I couldnt let him go, then I hook up with Cute Gym Guy, hes there in a physical sense, but emotionally, he and I cannot connect very well, we do, in a sort of sick way, meaning sort of parental/codependent type feel. But when I want to sit and talk about my emotions and feelings. Hes like clueless, sometimes when we discuss topics, he literally changes the topic to something trivial in a snap second which totally throws me off guard.

So he said “Vicky, you think of Gym guy because hes UNAVAILABLE, thats the attraction”

And I notice the times where I start to dwell and freak out most are at times when B is ASLEEP. Hmmm interesting.

Well its almost Wednesday, I have to write 3 small idea paragraphs to take to class Wed. I think I have 2, but I need to work on this and type it out for class.

I pour so much of my energy and time into the person Im interested in. I try to find happiness through a relationship and dont spend enough time on finding my own personal happiness.

I will have a week alone come this friday, the kids will leave for their first week with dad while they are off track. Im a little nervous this time, just the way my ex has been speaking to them. Im not happy about it, I hate the garbage he puts into their heads.

So as much as I welcome my alone time, there are times where the feelings are mixed. And as of late, Im not happy with their Dad and what he is doing, I think hes doing harm.

I do have to be thankful though, as I talk to my Mom, that ex is working right now so he has the kids with a sitter all week, last time it was his cousin, a nice Mormon girl, Mom of 2. I like her, this is one of the daughters of the ex’s aunt who stops by and I still talk too. Not sure if he will have her babysit again. Will see, but at least they are not with their Dad all week, a sitter instead.

I cleaned my office and got the DA paperwork out again. I REALLY need to make this a priority and send it in. My Mom said my ex is becoming a bit arrogant lately and that I should not tolerate it, hes become more lax and frivolous with his comments. Like telling me I “Make Bank” and constantly griping about his financial situation when he isnt paying child support. Yet he has a job, and makes more then I do, and I have the kids living with me majority of the time and fact is there is a support order he does not take serious. I dont even know right now how far behind he is, its in the thousands.

I was reading my friends entry, one to her ex. And I know much of those feelings she shared. The anger and hatred.

When my ex and I first split up. I felt the guilt. I felt to blame. I felt like the bad one. He preached at me, told me I was “Giving up” Told me “God hates divorce” along with the pastors and our friends. He told me he was praying for me.

He screamed at me picking up the children once and said “Vicky should think first before she goes fucking men around the kids!” and yelled this in the room out loud how I was fucking men, he yelled this with the kids and my mom present.

He called me a few weeks ago and once again wanted to talk “Men Im having in the house” with me? And talk to me about fucking “Right and Wrong”?????? as he put it???????

My Ex is so full off bullshit. The only time he made sure to pay the full amounts of child support were when he and I were talking about getting back together, funny how that works eh? He pays me to help take care of his kids if he feels he can be back with me, but if I wont? He just stops.

He moved away for the first year and a half after the split. He just up and went far away, for awhile I recieved money, then it stopped, the kids cried at night in bed missing their Dad. I felt horrible for them.

And did my ex fucking care? No! He blamed ME for there tears. This is where these idiot ex’s are so messed up! Its all about them!

They cannot put aside their anger at the marriage partner or whatever that wont work out and in turn they hurt their children also. And I wonder does my ex have any fricking clue what hes doing? In the slightest????????

And I think the thing that always stuck with me, was how his dad was lacking in his life ( My ex) we talked about this a lot when we were married. I remember the year his Dad called at christmas, and my ex was crying saying “Dad I love you, call me more” and I was crying listening to him. He had to track his Dad down via newspaper ads out of state. His dad had a warrant out for his arrest and was pissed off his son put an ad so waited weeks before even making contact at a pay phone, so his dad calls up MAD. Even though they havent spoken in years. And my ex says “Dad, good news your a grandfather, bad news is your other son was killed in an accident”

Shut his Dad up real fast.

My ex left his Moms when he was 16, his mom said he was a prob, dropped out of school, stopped the ritalin, she couldnt handle him. So he moved to be with his dad. His dad harvested pot and lived in the woods, no running water, a wife and 3 kids. He wanted my ex to drop acid with him, my ex did it alone and his dad got angry when he found out when he got home, he was angry he didnt get to do it with him! Yeah thats the winner Pop he had.

My ex ended up running away from his dad. And then the wife and 3 kids also ran away and hid across the US from him until the kids were teenagers. He never knew where they were.

And I just see, I see how women are protective of their Kids, how sometimes having the Dads in their lives are just as detrimental. So i have mixed feelings at times.

My ex is not the father figure, male role model I wish for my kids, but fact is he is their dad, but knowing what I know now? Hes far from what I would love to have as a man in their lives.

My Ex did have a stepfather also. But he was just as bad, Alcoholic, drug abusing, wife beating, animal cruelty, yeah you name it!

I do have to admit, I thought my ex would find a woman right away to be with and marry again. Since its what he said he wanted so badly. And I guess I thought hed fool others as easily as I was fooled, but then again i was 16, young, and naive, I didnt know much else when we got together, older women, they can see more. Maybe his junk is more visible then i realized.

Hes gross, My ex.

I mean I would have to say, the nice things about my ex are his skills in his work field, he picks up building skills like that, and hes fast. And he can be fun, I mean the part of him, the adventure, explorer part, those are cool.

But really, what else?

My mom said to me that the kids said “When we are with Dad he wants us to look good” and they were speaking about how my ex will buy them clothes to take them places. Its not that their clothes are junk, but he will buy them name brand clothes to wear on his outings to show them off, to make himself look good, and its so fucking nauseating as he portrays things unrealistically.

My ex is a facade, a liar,