Thought Record
Dear Diary,
Ok this is more of an exercise. My therapist gave me this sheet, I dug all over tonight to find it, so here I am at 1am doing it. So its just answering questions on a though record. Here goes, my first time using it…
Situation
1. Where? In my room
Who? B
What? Him telling me his former gay boss invited him over for dinner and hes helping him with his computer this week.
What were you doing? I was laying on my bed getting up to say goodbye as B was going home.
2. MOODS
Describe in 1 word.
Hmm not sure how I am to answer this one? So Ill answer 2 ways
Mood before I was told? Lovey Dovey
Mood after I was told? uneasy
3. Automatic Thoughts
What was going thru my mind just before I started to feel this way? I was so happy to have B there, felt so content and in love and good about our relationship, emotional and tears filled my eyes as he was getting ready to, sad he was leaving.
What does this say about me? He isnt satisfied with me, he needs something more sexually.
What does this mean about me? My Life? My Future? That Im not the person he wants this from, that I cant explore other sides sexually in ways that he wants. That our future will be shattered, he will leave me or cheat on me.
What am I afraid might happen? He will have a secret life, Lie to me. Cheat, leave me.
What is the worst thing that can happen if that is true? My emotions be shattered, terrible emotional pain and loss, and the sinking depression I felt last time I thought we were apart. I had thoughts of dying that time.
What does this mean about how the other person feels? things? About me?
That Im not enough.
What does this mean about other people in general? That others dont see me as being a “Certain way” The good girl. That I have to meet up to the good girl image and that the place me in the label.
What images or memories do I have in this situation?
My ex husband lying to me and having sex with a man, but telling me it was a family friend he was meeting about a loan, and that the guy hit on him but he told him he had a girlfriend. He later confessed to me he did engage in sex with the man. My friend Jens husband lying to her and having a secret gay life in their marriage. B’s gay coworker flirting with him and B liking it, the gay man touching his chest one day at work and drooling over him and B talking about it to me, and flattered by it by the man.
Ok Im halfway thru the sheet! ugh, and getting sleepy, will finish the rest later.