Marrying Like JLo

Dear Diary,

Ah I just showered, and shaved my legs and all that good stuff. With the colder weather and wearing jeans I dont shave every day, and well just dont feel as sexy either. So it was time. I bummed around all weekend in my jammies with no shower, so was time to get spruced up and feel decent.

Last night I met this guy in the chat room. He was a little intriguing. Attitude, cocky, mysterious. So we began to chat. Well I was up till 3am! And i was so freakin turned on it wasnt even funny! But he was a little strange, he still is strange. Somewhat DOM type. But eesh I was turned on! I finally just said I needed to go to bed. Its been a longggg time since Ive been turned on just from typing.

I had to run to my room of course and have my “own time” and well I created a nice fantasy Id like to share with B. Something Id like to do, sighhhh. If I ever even get the time to spend with the guy. It basically involves a drive in some mountain roads in the middle of the day, me wearing a long skirt, and well us pulling off somewhere, and I wont give away all the good stuff, but you get the idea. Im more creative in that aspect. B doesnt exhibit a lot of change of places and things with love making.

He did call me last night around midnight. We spoke a little bit. Im very quiet and short these days. I just really dont know what to talk about, and he picked up on it last night and asked me if I was ok, did I want to go? I said No, I just didnt know what to talk about. Im tired of telling him “Im lonesome” cause what will it do anyways? Not like Ive never said it before, so why waste my breath.

He then proceeds to tell me he is working here in my TOWN tonight. I of course had my ears perk up. But all he said was “You could come over and I can throw money at ya” He gonna be handling the roulette wheel at a party. I cant go, I have the kids. And thats way last minute notice. And not my idea of time together, watching him work and get pissed off cause I dont understand roulette and try to explain it to me in terms that dont make sense. So that doesnt sound to thrilling. Nothing more was said. And that was what made me sad. Hes gonna be in town, hes got his car back. But no talk of driving up, seeing me then going to work, I know him, he doesnt want to drive. Hed rather ride with other coworkers, cause he will say his car still isnt running great and all. Not that he told me that, but Ive been through this all before. I can say it for him.

This is the stuff that irks me big time. I make attempts to see him. Hell he could ride the train up, Stay the day. I drive him to work, and then he could drive back with the coworkers. But No he doesnt think of ideas like that. I DO. Cause thats how I feel people are who want to be together.

Or he could drive up and stay the night, yeah hed have to leave early for work, but hell Id do it. He doesnt have any kids to run around. But as I have stated, these are things I would do, not things HE would do. So yes im sad. He said he missed me last night. And its like I say “Oh yeah?” And he says yes and how much he wants to hold me and kiss me and snuggle up with me. So i said “Well I have no idea when that will be” and he said he didnt either. So of course that gave me no hope of seeing him today.

It just hurts to be honest. It really does. Fuck this, I had once a week over night with him, Now this will be the second period of time of 2 weeks at a time with no physical contact or seeing eachother.

God Im so lonely. Its like being married and feeling alone, and here I am once again in a relationship and feeling alone. Yes so freaking scared to let him go, fearing I cant do it?

Ugh Im messed up. Was watching JLO making the video this AM. With Ben Afleck. And hearing about her newest engagement to him. And geesh the girl is divorced twice already, divorce will be final in Jan from her second hubby. The girl moves fast. Hell its like the newness at the start of a relationship is awesome and passionate. Perhaps she just runs with it, jumps full into that part of a relationship. Then gets married, leaves once it dies and jumps to the next. Ahhh maybe thats what I should do? 🙂

No wait I cant afford mulitple divorces, Shes JLO she can.