What do I do Friends?

Dear Diary,

Im sleepy. Was up till almost 3am! EEKS!

I got my period today, so yeah that explains my funk yesterday, and why I was so emotional last night. Ugh, not the best time to go into big emotional deep convos, and at that time in the morning.

Was on the phone with B for quite sometime, and it switched gears to the serious and him saying “I dont know where you are at, or what is going on with you” and then wanting to know once again what the “guidelines” were for where we stand. I really did not want to repeat it all again, but all he could focus in on is “And you want to date others, Im not ok with that, if you date someone else Im quitting” And kept saying its probably best he just walks away.

There was a lot more said in the convo. He doesnt want me to leave him. He wants me, and he keeps telling me. He loves me, he said he has never found anybody in his life he has loved like this, that he has never had a person he talks to on a level daily such as he and I do and he has never had that in his entire life. He also told did make me realize my part in excluding him from the kids, how I say one thing, then the next another. So he doesnt know how to read what it is I want, so one day I want him around the kids, then the next Im pulling back and saying we can or cant be this way, so he said he pretty much just lets me dictate how it goes. Because he said he gets flack for things either way at times.

So then I feel bad for having set things up this way. And feel I owe him a chance, but do I really want too?

I read the chapter on the book about finding Mr Right to him last night, and the chapter on basic things one should look for, Responsible, Loving, Loves children, Man of intergrity and character, consistant, what is his general attitude about women and the women in his family, things like that. After I read it to him he said “So should I just go hang myself now?”

The things I love about B are this…

He is a great listener, he is not judgemental, very accepting, he is attractive and a very sweet and sensitive lover who makes me feel very safe in a physical sense. Best way to describe it is he is much like a woman in bed. I dont mean that in a weird sense. But hes very senstive, cuddly, affectionate, warm, tender, gentle, doesnt push me, he is just very very comfortable to be with.

So yes those are wonderful things, but are those things listed enough?

Mr C and I spoke around 1:30 am, he called after he got back from comedy night. We played fun dream ideas of running away, saying if we could where would we go, joking about the little beach town where I want to go and getaway, he said “Ok so lets do it!” and I said “Well hmmm Ill need a job, and theres not much for work out there.” So we joked, I said I could be a waitress and he can get a job as a gas station cashier, since thats probably all there is out there in this little hideaway area.

Sure we were having fun, but inside part of me was thinking how thrilling that idea would be to just take off. Move.

Anyways, dont worry Im not taking off. But we had a fun conversation, dreams and fantasies are good for a person.

So Im sitting here today debating on what to say to B. Do I say “Ok lets give it another shot?” or do I just say “B you told me if I felt the need to date others to just tell you, so I am, and this is what I need to do for myself right now” and be prepared to loose him in my life as a friend?

Yet I felt almost that was a ultimatum/threat on his part. I have already had the friend talk and he is still in my life. I said “So its either you have me, or we have nothing?” and he said he cant deal with me dating someone else, which I totally understand, I dont want to hear about who he dates either. I think we have enough respect between us both to NOT be that way. What we have between us IS SPECIAL, he and I both know that, and the love is not a question, its just is that Love enough to go the distance? Or have we reached our place at this point in life where it isnt able to go further at this time?

So ummm my reader friends, Im welcoming all your opinions or words of wisdom right now. I do appreciate what all of you have to say,,, 🙂