Facades

Dear Diary,

I sat in bed last night, had a talk with God. I held my bear in the dark. And I spoke.

I talked to God about being sorry for any wrong doings I have done, I asked for forgiveness. I asked for wisdom and strength with my Ex. I asked for justice to be done regarding the things my ex is doing.

I also spoke to God about B. About how I love him, about my intentions and my heart. That despite the old church rules I once lived under and many christians adhere to. Im starting to draw solely on my own heart and God. I listen to my Ex and I feel I just see the Facade of a Christian. I dont walk around preaching to others things that I dont even live. Why on earth would a person act so damn judgemental of others when he himself is guilty of every accussation, and how dare a person walk around as if they are better.

I listened to a message from my ex with the kids on the machine when I returned. He asked them if they wanted to go to a Christian Crusade. I hate to say it but in my head I cursed my ex with the f word. Granted God can work through anything, even a donkey. Its just disgusting for me to hear it is all. His words are so contradictory. “Hey kids come learn about Jesus!” Meanwhile Ill make your mothers life miserable, not stand up for your own mental well being, not send any support or take care of your health insurance. And when I visit you Ill bring the non divorced church girl your Mom knows and kiss her and tell you guys not to tell your Mom, but then Ill make everyone in your Moms life miserable and harass them with concerns about “Sexual” allegations.

Sounds like a man who loves Jesus if you ask me

I am a sinner, I struggle, but I have learned to be more compassionate, forgiving, understanding, we all have faults, but when a person sets out to INTENTIONALLY hurt others, I dont take as kindly to it, I feel so angered at what my ex and his mother are doing, and I often say inside myself “If you put these 2 children thru a legal hell and questioning and making up lies I will not be able to forgive you, and if you cause us to loose our home, I will not forgive you”

I know that isnt right, but its my truth right now , where I am at.

I also forgot to mention I ran into someone I knew at the conference from the old church I went to about a year ago the pastor and his wife who were great and reached out with me and talked with my ex a few times and the pastor was the first man to see thru his act. Well this guy was from that church, and informed me they are no longer there, his words “They fell by the wayside” the pastor and his wife. For some reason they have been on mind a lot lately, I was thinking of writing a letter. I still want to see them. So I asked the man if they were still together, he said he wasnt sure.

I told B this AM. “Im so glad I left that church” it wasnt this pastors church but it was the same denomination. I think there is something going on, an undercurrent in this denomination, cant say all are the same, but something strange is going on. Because it seems there is so much going on, so much fake and acts and marriages just falling apart and a lot of sexual reasons behind it all. Everyone is struggling but everyone acts as if they arent, I had to get out of there. And I cant return.

I was also not happy with my Mother when I returned. The in Law called on Sun. I told my mom not to answer my telephone and she knows about the in law, but in law called and she let the kids talk, UGH. I called my mother last night and told her NOT to do that. That all of my counselors and groups had advised me to cut off contact that its not in the best interest of the kids. My mom said she was caught off guard and didnt want to be in the middle. Ugh I asked her not to answer my phone, so I had to call her and tell her last night that wasnt cool and not to do that again.

Ok back to work, write more again later