The Talk with Him

Dear Diary,

Well I talked with boyfriend. I sent him this letter then we spoke afterwards.

Hi Hun,

Ive been thinking about us and how things are going.

A lot of things have been shared between us.

Ive heard you say you like being alone, you like being broke, your more content to sit home, your used to being alone and not thinking of anyone but you, how its easy to hold onto some old way and things in your life because they are all you know and are familiar.

There are things I want in my life, I have goals, dreams, plans, visions for myself. I like to set forth on a path. I like to have some direction. Not that I can predict my lifes outcome, but I have learned a lot about setting goals.

I know things are not the ideal situation at all times, which I understand. I guess I just dont feel any sense of direction with us. Where are we going? What are we doing, what steps do we take to get there? And things like that.

I feel that we are very close friends. I was drawn to you at the start, you were open and sharing a lot about your life, what has happened, what has hurt you, and you were on a path to change that. Im not saying I need to know all about you, I just have no idea where you are in any of that anymore. And you tell me “I will share what I want with who I want” Which tells me Im not allowed to hear.

Im your partner, Im there to share and help. I just dont feel the same reciprocation. Im told to Shut up, or “dont care” or ” I will share when I want” or “Im dealing with things” but I have no sense of where you are. And maybe thats where I am different, I would like to know where you are to some degree. I know you grew up on your own, closed off, had to fend for yourself, worry about you. But you arent just YOU anymore, you are a part of me.

Anyways, I would like more for us to share, that is my desire. Whether it be as simple as us starting a once a month date night , or a day out together, I just feel so out there.

So many things I want to do, yet I feel you dont want to do them. So I have to start planning things to do alone. Which Im like “Why am I with someone who doesnt want to share in the things in life I desire?” Im still doing them alone yet I have someone.

So just let me know what you think or any comments. I just desire more out of this relationship with you.

Love,

Victoria

Our Chat after he got the letter,

Him:i have some comments

i do agree with you I think that to some extent we can t really move forward in some areas till you are divorced , but as far as spending time and sharing more that isnt a huge issue ,though I willtell you if I share things you may not wish to hear them

me: ok so what can we not progress in until Im divorced what are you referring to?

Him: we can spend more tme or set up a dte night atc ,well i mean as far as taking things farther than a b/f g/f kinda dating thing.

Me: I guess Im not clear on that what you mean ,other than what we have said about the kids ,what are you specifically referring to?

Him: well what more do you want from me?

Me: No Im asking you this question

Him: its like maybe Im taking ait a step too far but its like i assume you mean like being partners and living life together and that kinda stuff

,that isnt going to happen till you arent still attached

Me: moving in together?

Me: what are you referring to ,im trying tof ollow?

Him: somewhere down the line

Me: Ok Im not referring to that

Him: ok ,that isnt the feeling i get from you.

Me: I am not talking about marriage, moving in, any of that .Im trying to put it in words here…

Him: not that specifically but as an overall desire to progress much farther than thigns arenow

Me: Ok Ill give an example

Him: k

Me: I hear you talk about your body, your diet, your Jeep, you do have some goals, you have to do things to get there, you pour time and energy into them

Him: and you wonder why I dont pour that kind of energy into you right?

Me: Yeah me or Us

Him: hmmm…time of neglect? these are things that I have neglected..especailly my Jeep.I really feel a need to fix my Jeep. I dont see that things are so bad with us.I know they arent perfect, we just have weird shedule conflicts and yes I have been quiet, its like i have stuff on my mind that I dont have figured out so I dont know how to share it

Me: its like when you come over, I make time in small ways, rub your back, give you a bath, I want to make plans for outings, I need that sort of stuf that make sense?

Him: yes

Me: When you got to the house for the Work party you never said I looked nice, or anything, it was not until half way into the Oscar party

Me: I notice that sort of stuff

Him: What? i said you looked great the second I walked in the door

Me: I didnt hear that

Him: well I know I said something. casue you looked great

Me: Well I wont argue it with ya, if it was said I didnt catch it, cause It stuck with me

Him: yeah

Me: and I dont feel you like my opionion on matters,like you just dont want it

Him: there may be times that Im like that, but as a whole I dont think thats true

Me: So if we are sitting down discussing issues, I like an even exchange at times

Him: ok

Me: and its not just issues about us, just general life is all

Him: i will tell you that at times I am not the most open discourse person. Just tell me to shut up

Me: I dont like the word Shut Up : ) We dont use it here

Him: “Hey asshole I have something to say ” works well

Me: I dont find it necessary to name call to get a point across hun : )

Him: yeah

Him: < good name caller, I try to tell you that I am an asshole and that at times I am unbearable and you dont believe me. I dont say these things cause I want an excuse. Why do you think I have never had a realtionship that has lasted very long? Ask anyone I have ever dated what an asshole I am
Me: But do you have to buy into that? Do you have to be that? Do you want to be one?

Him: on some levels yes

Me: You can change that it doesnt have to be that way.Ive learned behaviors Im not proud of, i do things that dont always make me proud of myself, but I desire to be the best I can, to learn from those things

Him: you have to realize that I am in a strange land with you darling.

Me: ::grabbing you by the hand:::: Im with you ok? I love you

Him: ok ,but do you know how I am when I am in strange places?

Me:Not sure what you are referring to, and I cant if you dont share so I can understand

Him: around people I dont know

Me: give me examples that always helps me see

Him: the oscar party

Me: ok, so what was going on inside of you

Him: I dont feel comfortable around people I dont know

Me: ok and that causes you to feel what

Him: I just am quiet.I dont say much ,I just observe

Me: ok and whats wrong with that?

Him: nothing

Me: I didnt say anything bad about the Work party and how you were

Him: but you have a problem with it

Me: I do?I thought you were just fine

Him: ok now expand that to our entire relationship

Me: ok wait, one sec

Me: the party wasnt a prob for me at all ,so what was that example about?

Him: i seem to recall you complaiing about me being short with you

Me: Yeah but that isnt just a Party issue

,that has happened before and in diff settings

Him: which had what generally underlaying theme?

Me: Im not sure

Him: usually that I was out of place ,when I am I get quiet.

Me:Ok the nite we played pool, the day getting the Jamba juice, those are other times ,you were out of place?

Him: a little

Me: ok so you feel insecure at times?

Him: sometimes

Me: Ok, and so Im ok with you ,you are uncomfortable ,how do we get thru that sort of thing ,cause its not my insecurity and Im there for you

Him: i dunno

Me: and believe me Hun Ive been like that, just how you are and I know how it feels. I was worse. Do you think sitting in a chair in ***** waiting for you while you go int he back when Im not introduced and I just sit there is comfortable for me?

Me: but its MY deal.I know you love me,some things are new territory

Him: yeah

Me: and its not the end of the world

Him: but you say things that lead me to think that. If something is uncomfortable or whatever I just kinda deal with it I dont say anything casue it isnt a big deal

Me: lead you to think what

Him: that you are all pissed off or that Im treating you so poorly or something

Me: Ok there is a difference between being ignored or talked to poorly and just feeling uncomfortable. Like your uncomfortable because its a different place .Im uncomfortable with the tone of voice you use with me

Him: you are a differant place to me

Me: I mean heck going to work with you was so scary for me, did you know that?

I was soo nervous ,the casino nite that is

Him:why so?

Me: when you mentioned me going I was like eh ,but I had to talk to myself and tell myself to get over it, its my fear of somewhere foreign

Him: see I made some time for ya =0P~~~

Me: haha shhh, so I was all nervous ,and on the drive when **** was weird

Him: yeah

Me: I sat in the backseat and wanted to go home in my head,assumed my nite would suck

Him: me too

Me: but it didnt.Its just one of those things of going out of my comfort zone, and sometimes its taking risks, sometimes its bad experiences, but sometimes its just being open and looking for what you can out of a situation .The times Im bothered dont really have to do with the place, its my treatment in that place, so that make sense? I found you very respectful, handsome, considerate at times, at the Party, just that you could sit with me for that long, haha was cool, when you would take my hand, or put your hand on my knee, those things are like way cool to me you have no idea. 🙂

Him: yeah

Me: so theres gonna be lots of new places and territory with me

Him: and me as well

Me: Well Im willing to go there with you

Him: and I with you. Im still here right?

Me: Yeah you are here but I think I gotta get behind ya sometimes and go cmonnnn

Him: sometimes, i tell you that I can be a jackass sometimes. I have my moments where I am all super nice n stuff….

Me: why be a jackass? : )

Him: cause Um its easy? LOL

Me: works well with the women I bet too? : )

Him: oh yeah

Me: Sweetie, I totally understand our schedules conflict and all that ok? But we do have to , whatcha think? and it can be just going for a drive.I dont care

We talked for some time after that. I then asked him about his Dad. He never knew his Father, nor even knows what he looked like. His Mom only gave him a death certificate and refuses to tell him anything about him. So I offered awhile ago to help him out. So today he gave me all the info. It was quite fascinating, knowing how old he was when he died, what he did for a living, that boyfriend possibly may have some half siblings out there, wondering if they know he exsists. Or his sister. Also I wonder about why his Mom has kept the whole thing a secret. If her story about his father is true. And he has the cemetery where he is buried, he said he is afraid to go there for fear he would damage the burial stone with anger. I told him to go at his own pace, but he does want my help and gave me all the information freely. So I called my Mom and she said to write the library from the town and to request and obituary. And then we will try and find the son, next of kin, my boyfriends half brother.

So it gave us a lot to talk about, My boss actually encouraged me to do this with Boyfriend. She herself was removed from her mother as a toddler, separated from her brother and then adopted, I forget the story, there was a movie about these illegal adoptions starring Mary Tyler Moore, she was one of those babies. She just found her brother a few years ago. So she talked about how her husband helped her find her Birth Mother, how she truly wanted the help.

So its sort of a Detective hunt now, I know he would love a photo, to know anything about his father, he has said he doesnt care of he was a total jerk. He just has no sense of where he came from.

So I think it was a good talk between us.