What am I doing?

Dear Diary,

I feel really strange today. Like I want to cry. On verge of tears type feeling, I know partly why I feel this way, yet at same time I dont fully understand myself. Date Man did come over last night. He arrived earlier then I had expected. We didnt talk much, we just snuggled up, hugged, and laid there together. Then I got him on his feet to get that slow dance in before we got too sleepy. We danced to the Moulin Rouge song “Come What May” He said he brought me something, that it wasnt anything big, just simple and had me close my eyes. He brought me a package of Mint Milano Cookies ( my favorite ) I then gave him the card, a lil stuffed animal puppy, and the gift certificate for the massage I bought him. I was sort of nervous hoping he wouldnt feel weird with me giving him gifts after all our exchanges the past few days. But he accepted all my gifts and thanked me. I had told myself no sex, Ive been telling myself that lately. Not that I dont enjoy it with him, because I do very much. But I guess Im conflicted inside. I dont want to make this easy for him, if that makes sense? Its like hes not ready for a lot of things, and I know also that I am not, but I do feel I give and do a lot, and if I just make this relationship a fun time girl with no responsibilities, children, commitment, and just dating and sex and nothing more, well Im not content to stay in that place. I want more. And I have no idea where we are going as a couple. It is really a big deal for me to give my body. I dont just sleep with anyone, he is the only other man next to my Ex I have had sex with. So yes I do place quite a value on that.

The man Im dating is not pushy sexually or aggressive. Hes actually very reserved when it comes to it in comparison to my Ex. Which I think is why I find the sexual aspect much more satisfying. I enjoy sex with him, Im attracted to him and I can also be the aggressor in it also. So this Am we woke up early, we tend to do that, wake up and find we arent wrapped up together or snuggled up and resume getting close, and we always wake up, either he kisses my hand or I wrap my arms around him and nuzzle up. He proceeded to touch me and of course I was turned on. So there went my No sex rule for myself. I dont verbalize this thought to him about no sex, because I just found I need to stop laying out rules on myself verbally that I cant keep. But also Im dissapointed in MYSELF for not following them either. I love the guy, I love to be intimate with him. So I guess others think, so whats the problem???

I know I cant rush this, I know things will take time, but how much of myself does one give at this place? That is my question. Im new to this dating thing. Does it make me conditional for wanting something shown in return when I give so much of my own self? When Im willing do to so much for another? Cant I expect something in return? I recall hearing someone say somewhere “Marriages are failing all the time, I think the problem is we dont tell couples how hard marriage is, that it is HARD WORK to keep it together” I agree. The warm fuzzy feelings arent always going to be there. You have to be selfless at times, you have to put forth effort, you have to do things to show your love, to keep the passion going, it truly does take work.

I had spoken to the Music Producer guy from Hollywood the other day online. He and I have never met, but having been chatting for about 7 mos now. He separated from his live in girlfriend who he has a child with, so we of course are dealing with a lot of same things. Hes dating a girl now so we just talk about our dating life. We spoke for a long time, he said to me “You know, why didnt we meet? Everything you say you are wanting in a man, that is me” I laughed at him, he replied “No Im serious” He then said to me “YOu know after you have described the way you view the world, the type of relationship you want, I think you would do well with a Musician/Artist type. I said “Well thats great and all so are you gonna set me up on a date with one?” he laughed and told me I need to leave my area more often, I agreed but said “Its a little difficult with 2 small children”

It seems that the only men that I get attention from around town or thru the work environment or church are older men. I seem to attract men who are older, more mellow and settled. But I dont want to play Susie Housewife. I view them as BORING. I need a guy with some edge, some spunk, who can go out and have a good time half the time, the other sit home and be mellow. Im looking for an even mixture of the 2. Instead I get men talking to me who dress like my father, who Im not physically attracted to. Take for example the guy at work. I think he is cute, sweet, caring, gentle, makes good money. All good things, hes someone I totally wouldnt worry about my children being around. He likes me, hes single, but Im just not attracted to him, in that relationship attraction sense. When that spark is missing, its tough you know? And Ive been friends with him for awhile and adore him, but still the spark just isnt there for me on that deeper level.

Anyways, the morning went ok, I got ready for work and the dating man was watching tv in my room as I showered. When I came back he said “This show is really pissing me off” It was Sally, and the theme was wedding makeovers. Date man says “Its all these women who arent bad looking and they are all whining that they are too fat or too ugly to walk down the aisle, and there men are a bunch of pussy whipped guys saying “Well I really lover and want what makes her happy” then he says “Slap the bitch upside the head and tell her to shut up”

He looks at me and says “If I am going to marry someone and they cant walk down the aisle all because they dont look right? What is up with that??” That would be like you saying to me “Ohhh I cant marry you because Im too fat” Id slap you. I smiled, but each time I hear the word slap I cringe inside. I dont know whether to take what he says as literal or what. Regardless, Im agreeing with his point, just dont like his SLAP HER part at the end of it. Ive been in a verbally and mentally abusive marriage and I sit in a support group each week of women who have been hit, and I dont take kindly to such words said. I just dont find it appropriate at all. We then sat on the bed and I was sitting on top of him as he laid on his back and he says “See Id slap you like this” and simulates a hand, and acts like its funny. I said to him “You dont ever slap me unless its on my butt and we are making love and I want it” I didnt make a big deal and acted cool about it all, but inside I was bothered.

Then he says “Oh this next bride coming out is just Stupid. Shes got ovarian cancer and shes pregnant so she cant get the treatment, so instead shes just gonna let the cancer take over and put her and the baby at risk and she could end up dying and leave the baby stuck alone with just the father” I just smiled at him and said “It may be stupid to you but not everyone, but we dont have the time to go there” I didnt get upset, I just let him speak, his opinion I want to be shared. I guess its the harshness of his sharing that rubs me wrong. Labeling her as STUPID, when another person such as me views her as SELFLESS. But I dont tell him his viewpoint is STUPID. I can understand it, but this is where my core of who I am as a christian comes in. As Christ gave himself and died for us, and him saying greater love is a man laying down his life for another. Its not the abortion debate Im even thinking about here. It was just more of the way something was said, the unacceptingness in his tone.

I just wonder at times what am I getting myself into? Jump ship now! Ahh what a fool we can become when the heart is involved. I do love this man, but I just really wonder what am I doing?