Just “BE”

Dear Diary,

Well I did tell Date Man that the comment bothered him and I wanted to know if he meant that literally or was joking. He said he was joking, and I just expressed to him my sensitivity to such words. My children just had their kids group where I am going. This week they had covered language, angry and curse words. The effect, the way they make them feel, and drew pictures, which they conduct the sessions with drawings mainly with the children. My youngest said “Mommy I drew the words shut up and a heart breaking” I dont use the shut up and that is a rule around our house. So not sure why that one came up or else it was his easiest reference word? We never cussed in our house, Ok i cant say never but it was never a part of our day to day life, maybe only times ever said were in heated exchanges between my Ex and I towards the end. But mainly these were never around our children. But now that has come to a halt and is the main reason why I have stopped all contact with my Ex. I cant get drawn into that exchange any longer.

My boss Lady came in and sat with me today, shes somewhat like a therapist/employer/friend. I really love her. She met Date Man on Sunday for the first time. So her comment today was “Have you invited him to the Oscar Party?” I said yes, she said “Well I gathered from looking at him, you can tell a lot and read a lot about a person by the way they look, I gather he is very much in control of himself” I questioned her further asking exactly what that means. She is a smart woman so I wanted to know. She said “Well his appearance, all the way from his hair, to glasses, to clothing to shoes, he looked PERFECT.” It was so interesting to listen to her, she said ” I would be he is someone who likes to be in control such as what is his room like?” I said “No hes not a neat freak, I know this, but hes not sloppy and dirty either” She said “Ok but does he has a PLACE For things?” I thought for a second, how he freaks out when the roomate hires a maid and the first time he had his bed made he had the hardest time with it. He felt really strange having someone do such things for him, and touching his desk. So I said “well yes in the regards you are correct” Then we got interrupted! Grrrr, someone always walks in! Anyways I did get to say to her that I dont know how to do this dating thing, how I got all gung ho once I knew the marriage was over, the Date Man pulled back, and then how I realized I was moving to fast and had apologized, then about the Vday event. She said “The Valentines Day thing was his own issue, he just didnt need to verbalize so much of his problems over it to you” Which I thought about it later how I just could have left it be, how I keep trying to help or answer or what have you his words instead of just saying “Ok” and letting it alone or not allowing myself into whatever his issue is and leaving it for him to deal with letting him own it. She said to me “for right now, just BE. Dont try to figure anything out, JUST BE”

::Sigh:: Funny how hard that is for me?

He had to work tonight. I called his pager and left him a voice message saying “Hey, I hear this is the BlackJack dealers phone number, I think hes pretty sexy looking and Id really like to hook up with him” just acting silly then told him I loved him and to call me later.

Just Be?

::Stomping feet:: Dang I can be impatient