Learning About Men

Dear Diary,

I slept in late today. I was on the phone late last night. I had been home all evening and things were pretty quiet online. I had told the older Christian man I would call him. He wanted to tell me a “funny story” and said to call if I wanted to hear.

So as I was sitting here last night writing my last diary entry I got messaged from the Man from Abroad. I havent heard from him in probably about 5-6 mos. He and I have been long time friends. Since around 1996. I have met him on 2 occassions in real life. But generally we correspond via emails or the messenger. He travels all over the world. I do think he is a wonderful man. Hes someone I could date, but because of his work, we both know its not with the heartache to even try to set our hearts on anything. But the love is there between us and always has been. He is in Alaska right now and mailed me some pictures, it was so nice to see him. So he had to go after we had a long chat. I woke up this AM and found this email in my mailbox from him.

“Hey you. I signed back on in hopes that I would catch you on here.

But I guess you’re busy or have better things to do. 🙂 It’s kind of late

or I would give you a call. Anyway, I just wanted to say that it was a real

treat for me to talk to you, as it always is. As well, to express that I’m

really proud of you. You are really getting it all together. I know that

life is tough – but you are a person that I look up to – no matter how hard

it is coming down you always seem to have a positive thing to say, and a

great attitude. I really admire that about you.

Well, I have my “marching orders” and I am off again as of tomorrow

morning. I didn’t get that much of a break, but that’s okay… it’s not as

if I had a lot else to do anyway.

Sometimes I wish I could stop all time from passing and sit down and

explain my life to you… It is all so ironic, ya know. If I had met you in

another life, well, if I had, I would act differently. Something about you

has always struck a chord in my heart. (Okay – being stupid here – can’t

find the words) …anyway, you’re a special person, and I know that about

you.

With the way things go for me I don’t know that I would ever be able

to take a moment and say things to you I wish that I could. In fact, I’ll

probably go the rest of my life and have nothing more that a list of things

that remain undone and unsaid. Hmmmm… got a feeling that I am not making

sense here…. I hope that in this jumble of words you see what I am trying

to say… My life is traveling in a direction that I cannot change.

Sometimes I wish that I could, but I can’t. And such is the irony in life. I

admire you from afar because you are a very great person and dear to my

heart. This, unlike so many things in this world, will never change.

Until next time. Take care of you.”

I just found this letter really touching. We always stayed pretty platonic until the last time we saw one another in person. Then we both admitted we had feelings beyond friendship for eachother. I wonder at times why he came into my life? If something in the future will ever come of it, but I do know we will always be friends.

I called the Christian man later on, we spoke for about 2 hrs. He informed he is going to be on television with (Huel Howser?) rock climbing. He said he will let me know when it is to air so I can watch. I asked him why he has remained single so long. Hes 39 and was only married once at age 29 and it lasted one year. He shared with me about 2 relationships he was in. But other than that he hasnt entered into much that is serious. That he worked 50 hr weeks and had his daughter EVERY weekend for the first 7 yrs of her life so it didnt leave him much time for anything else. She was where his attention needed to go. Well he dated a woman and things didnt work out and she broke into his house, stole his dog, stalked him basically and he said it made matters worse cause she lived across the street. He had to get a restraining order and that didnt stop her so he moved in with a buddy who lived in the mountains, and he said about 3 mos into that she called his buddy one day and he answered the phone, and once again he said it started, Phone ringing 20 times a day. He had to just totally move because of her he said. Im like Wow, listening to this story.

We talked about a lot of spiritual things, the only thing was he is into TBN and all the teachers on there. That rubbed me EH. But I didnt really say much in response since its not like I have been seriously in church for awhile now and like I can open my mouth and say I oppose something if I dont even know how to defend what I believe at this point. So I just listen to him. It is enjoyable though, Its nice to hear someone who enjoys talking and has plenty to share and say.

I later spoke with the man Ive dated. I couldnt handle it anymore and told him how I felt. It was late, and it was almost as if I just didnt want to deal with trying to discuss it any further. The thoughts have been laid in my head about him and my children, about any willingness on his part to embrace us all. He said last night he is willing but Ive already dropped him on his ass before. I said in response “Well if Ive dropped you on your ass and you are wary of me you still manage to come and sleep with me? So Im just good enough for that?”

Yeah I laid it out, I told him how hurt I am. That he has been around me for a year now, that if my kids are not a consideration then lets just cool it. He said that they are, but he “Doesnt know” what to say at this point. I didnt say a whole lot else. It was late and I couldnt think properly and didnt want to say something I wouldnt mean. Overall the conversation was good. I do love the guy but I think the tide maybe changing for me. He did say to me that he thinks I need to enjoy my freedom for awhile that Im so ready to go right back into something serious. I dont think its that totally. Im in no rush to remarry, its just that he has been my best friend and confidant this last year, and I now have freedom to do things and of course one wants to share it with their best friend, But now I will have to rethink all that. And start involving others in my new found freedom and exploring of life.

Im doing ok though, just learning about other people right now.