What Do I Do?

Dear Diary,

Morning. I feel all blecky right now.

Just sorta annoyed, irritable I guess?

Well so how did my day go yesterday? Well I drove and met Music Dude. We were gonna meet for coffee, then I was gonna tag along with him for a job meeting. But when I got there he said it was postponed, that he was hungry, so we just went and had dinner. He said “I almost called you and cancelled” He kept apologizing, saying he was poor company, that he was an emotional wreck. I told him to stop. I didnt care, I understood, that Ive known him long enough and hell we talk enough theres no need to explain. So we just talked over dinner.

I told him if he wanted to go on home after it was cool, Id not be upset. Hes just a mess and said he just wanted to go home, take his meds and crawl in bed.

We are so weird I tell ya. I hadnt seen him in quite awhile. Even though we still talk, I just hadnt seen him in person. He said “Man we are so different, we probably wouldnt work out anyway” and we laughed, at how close we are, how we both totally think one another are so cool. Yet, I dunno????

So he talked about the ex girlfriend, how hes so sad, but how its hard with her still living there and seeing her, that he cries, and she just seems to be fine, and shes sweet to him and says she still wants to be his friend and loves him still, just has to figure herself out type speech.

He has his daughter today and thru the weekend and he said he just feels so bad. He doesnt want to be parental, hes a basketcase. He was thinking of calling his Dad and his wife to watch her.

We talked about his Dad, he said is just in a weird place right now. That his Dad is just so into the Born again experience, and they just dont relate. He also this weekend called his Step Mom up (I dont think this is the current one tho, I forget) And left a message on her machine crying saying “Why were you so mean to me as a kid, why were you always beating the shit out of me!” He asked if I thought he was crazy for doing that, and he said hes never ever confronted her or said anything. I said “Well are you upset you did it?” Hes all NO? So I said “Well maybe thats what you needed to do”

We left the restaraunt, Arms around eachother, he told me Im a great friend to him. We hugged goodbye, and he went home.

I was bummed we couldnt hang out longer, but i understood he just wasnt up too doing much.

So I went to B’s after, stayed the nite down there. He was a pain, a bit irritable and I just at one point told him Id leave him alone and not talk to him because I dont need to be attacked. He laid down on the bed and snuggled up to me and apologized.

We just crashed, I was tired, I was in my clothes, he was in the middle of washing clothes for his Vegas trip.

I woke up from a dream, almost crying at about 6:30am. (Jen I read you have been having dreams like that too)

It was so realistic tho because the dream took place in the present setting, me asleep in B’s bed, but him waking and running his hand down my back and starting to turn me on and touch me, it was all nice and I was smiling, and next thing I know he takes his teeth and presses them hard into the small of my back right above my butt. REALLY HARD, with intense pressure. I was saying “Owwww, stop!” and it was like I couldnt move, but it hurt really bad, I was begging him to stop, knock it off, that it hurt, over and over. He said “This is supposed to be the spot that turns you on” and I was so upset, he wasnt listening to me, I was going to start crying from the pain. Then I woke up. 🙁

I have no idea where that came from. That was more in resemblance to my ex. Except when my ex would tickle me he would hold me down and do it for so long till the point of me in tears begging him to please stop.

Yuck 🙁

Well I was getting up about 7am, told me to reset the alarm, I wasnt going to go into work early, but he decided to get up and get his stuff done for his trip. Which was fine. I curled back up in the covers and was just falling asleep, when something flew onto the bed all heavy next to me and scared the crap out of me. It was B’s bag. He was packing, and to be honest, I found that totally rude. It pissed me off inside and I told him it scared me. Stuff like this really pisses me off, its inconsiderate. I know he has to pack, but my god? Warn me or something?????? What the fuck is with that? Im all considerate when B’s at my house when hes sleeping. So I guess I was just angry at that. Sound silly? I just got up and went to shower, hes all “Oh you cant sleep with me making noise and packing?” I didnt answer, just went to shower. UM DUH????

You know, makes ya wonder about people, are they just clueless? Or are they intentionally Jerks?

Yeah and Im partially pissed I have nobody to hang out with this weekend as of yet. Talked to 2 girlfriends about going out, neither are free. 🙁

B told me to go and get into some trouble. I feel strange, almost rebellious lately. Like I wanna go and find some trouble.

Music dude had asked me yesterday if I wanted to go to a Bday party at a Miniature Golf Club course that his daughter was invited too, he said he could really use some emotional support and a friend. So I asked him what time it was at? He didnt know yet, and hasnt gotten back to me. Have a feeling he may change his mind? I dont know. I just hate having nobody to hang out and have a good time with. Im getting desperate to the point of Mr Comedy is an option to call.

Sigh,,,