Thoughtfulness

Dear Diary,

I feel like crying right now, and I really am not totally sure why. Ive been feeling like this most of the AM.

I mean I know there are contributing factors, stresses, I guess I cant just pinpoint one thing, and I guess it doesnt have to be one thing.

B came out early last night. He sat on the couch, the kids were all enthralled with his tattoos and asking questions. He answers so adult like in terms they didnt understand, and I would have to come back and give my kids the youngsters version.

We then headed out to take the kids to the VBS, he got out of the vehicle, which I was surprised and walked in the church with me. I thought hed wait in the Jeep. But then when I went to take the kids in he dissappeared. I came out to find him in the Jeep. I dont know how to read him, hes quiet and often serious to begin with. So its like I want to be in a HAPPY silly birthday mood.

So we drove to the restaraunts. It was a steakhouse where they make the food on the grill in front of you and do all these nifty moves and make all your food in front of you. Neither of us had been to this place. It didnt feel relaxed though. 🙁 At least for me it didnt. Hes on a special diet right now, so he can basically only eat protein all week. Which Im aware of, that why we went to a steakhouse. He gripped about not being able to go drinking on his birthday, I said he could have a drink but then he talked about how it would wreck his diet, and getting any kind of cake at all was out. So after they made our meal he orders a Jack and Coke. He said I wasnt bugging him telling him to relax, that he was just being a Mr Fussy Pants. There wasnt much convo, we just ate. We actually got done with time to spare and he changed his mind with the drink and said dessert was ok, so we headed out to another place and scarfed down this yummy Apple Chimicheescake from AppleBees. He then asked if I wanted to rent a movie, I said sure. As we were driving I asked him if there was anything he wanted for his birthday? Something he needed? He said “You in lingerie and hot sweaty sex?” with a smile. I smiled back. But I wasnt in that frame of mind. I was thinking a lot about my group monday night and I feel obligated often to have sex, not that I dont enjoy it or dont want it, but do I just have sex for him for his birthday cause its what he wants? What if I dont want to? And as the group therapist said “You dont owe anybody anything, and if they have a problem with that, its on them”

I felt like telling B I didnt want him staying over. But hes never been pushy with me about having sex. I generally make the moves so I just let it go and waited to see how the evening went.

We rented Almost Famous, we were in line at the rental place, it was his idea, yet he didnt offer to pay. I guess that irked me a little, but its his birthday right? So I just did it, even though it was his idea.

I guess in the back of my mind Im torn with my feelings over his birthday. From what he did to me on my last one. Im still hurt over it.

We then picked up the kids, they are very energetic and excitable. I guess I just notice so much now at how annoying the kids seem when Im with B. But when I was with Mr C, it was different, the way he interacted was different.

So we get back to the house and I get the kids ready for bed and we camp out on the couch and watch the movie. We got thru it partway and something was wrong with the DVD and it kept skipping scenes and after 5 times of it we gave up. Need to take it back. We stopped it at one point so I could see the Season Finale of Real World. I kept thinking in my mind B didnt like this and he was just being nice to watch it with me. At one point he said he felt very Content. On the couch and put his hands all over me squeezing me saying he felt like a happy kitty when they knead things with their paws. I guess I had no idea how he was feeling. I didnt know if my birthday outing was much to him or if he was enjoying himself. And then he said how he loved watching shows like this, and he was fine. So I guess its me? Its just his body language and tone thats hard to read.

When we were in line at the video store I was kinda bumping him with my hip kinda flirtingly and smiling and he looks and says “Stoppit” I stopped, he was all serious. He said “I know your just being silly but my legs are very sore from the gym and when you do that it hurts” I said “Im sorry” I guess its just the way he says things, instead of right away “Oh hey hun dont do that my legs are sore and that hurts” instead I get a stern harsh STOPPIT, then the reason why a few seconds later. So I notice I kinda shut down inside when he talks to me that way.

We then laid down together and watched Friends, after it was over I turned off the tv, and I dont remember much else. I fell right to sleep. I woke up at about 2am. I curled up on his chest. And I swear, he kinda laughed. He was laying there and did a kinda laugh like an annoyed one. I just pretended I was asleep. I guess in my own mind I was wondering if he was bugged we didnt have sex. Why do I worry what he thinks?????????

He then had to get up as he got a bloody nose. This AM the clock went off and I just snuggled him, no sexual touch anything during this time with him. I felt bad having to rush him off early. I think the one thing I noticed was the lack of conversation. When he is over he doesnt talk much, I mean when you are together and having sex you are wrapped up in all of that. I guess I just am weird by him being around and just being quiet?

He left me a brief note saying thank you for dinner and being with him.

When I woke up this AM I just started getting nervous, Today is mediation with my Ex. Im nervous about seeing him. I may not at all, ex said we will be separated, you do have that option. I just get nervous about the parking lot, will I run into him? Will I see him as we wait to go in? All those feelings, then wondering if we will be able to work out a custody agreement quickly and easily.

So with the feelings over B and the Ex stress, Im sure thats why the feel the need of crying.

I just feel a little emotionally overwhelmed.

Mr C just called and left me a voice mail as I am writing this message. We didnt speak at all yesterday. It said “Hi there, just calling to say hello and let you know I was thinking about you and how I wanted to just call and hear your sweet voice even if its just on your voice mail. I know you have somethings to take care of today and I hope it all goes well for you”

Hes so dang thoughtful.