Wont Back Down

Dear Diary,

Ahhh what a strange day. Talked with B online earlier today, asked him if he was annoyed with me and he said yes a little. Saying he doesnt know how to read me, and Im saying the same thing.

He enjoys silence and just having me around, me on the other hand take silence as someone is upset at me. Going back to the marriage, my ex stopped talking to me and shutting me out when he was angry. B said we each have pasts that are spilling over into the now, pasts that are different. And its tough to merge them together. Which I totally agree.

Mr C came online and talked to me for sometime today and he sent me an email card later on after our chat. Why is it when someone is so nice I feel as if something is wrong with him? I asked him why he likes me today, and well he went on and on, and I then asked him to stop. I like compliments, but why did they feel strange for me from him? Its like I didnt believe it, like hes just saying it? WHY?

We also talked about my kids, it weirds me out him saying I have great kids and he had a blast with ALL of us, and telling me “Look at the pictures of them, they are great kids! You can just see it” hearing someone speak like that seems to make me feel all creeped out. Ive not heard a guy talk about my kids like that, not even their own Dad?

Got off work and headed to the court house for the mediation. I arrived early and stood outside in the over 100 degree weather. I waited by the door to the room we had to go in. Soon a man walked right past me to the door. It was my EX! At first I didnt know it was him as he was dragging one of the rolling small suitcases. Hes a little larger now, he still dresses in his trendy cool Vans stylish self. His hair was short( the way I dont like it, almost a buzz) and he now has both of his ears pierced. He turned around and I waved my paperwork as a sign of hello to him. He just said hi and turned around to walk away. I handed him an envelope, I made copies of the kids report cards. He then went to an area behind me to wait. I stood there and then heard a loud TEAR sound, I knew it was my ex writing me a support check in his WOW LOOK AT ME IM A GOOD GUY manner. He then walked over and handed it to me, I said thank you. I guess part of me just wanted to go over and hug him? But I didnt make that attempt, too many weird things going on right now. One day maybe?

He then moved closer to me and his cell phone went off playing some loud annoying song and then he talked all loud standing next to me so I can hear. I cannot even begin to describe how utterly annoying I find that, he did it when we were together. Its like he feels all important and talks very loud so everyone can hear his calls in public places. Its NOT impressive. So I just looked the other way and remembered more of why I dont like him as a husband. Finally I was called in, we went in separately for mediation. Well the pcyhiatrist(sp??) who did it was very nice but I was in tears before we even started. She told me to take a deep breath, handed me the box of kleenex and told me this was the place to do that, and we went from there. She caught on soon and said Domestic Violence? Honey you are minimizing what this man has done to you. I dont realize I do it when I say things. She would stop me and said she was once in a marriage just like this and talked to me about the cycle of violence. I told her I was aware and about my group. She was very kind and wonderful. Ex then had his turn, then I had to come back. So the shocker? Well I gave the ex more time and all then he even wanted?? He actually wanted to see the kids LESS then what his attorney iniatially proposed??? Which was actually FINE by me. He wants to see them one weekend every 2 mos. And in the state of where we are at. No mention at this time of them going out of state.

But the first words the woman said to me after I came back and she saw my ex was “ADHD” I nodded yes. She said “I have seen this in Men with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, when they come through here, they all seem to have anger problems as adults” Wow, how did she get my ex to tell her that? That he has that? And then the big shocker, my ex told her that her moms roomate wasnt good for the kids and that he wouldnt leave the kids with either of them alone???? So Im like WOW! So of course I wanted to sign everything, it was wonderful. The only part my ex wanted changed was drop off at my parents home, he wanted police station. I objected saying how strange it would be for the kids and they would wonder why mom and dad do it there. So instead we choose the court house parking lot, but still my mother will drive them there? So thats silly, but hey thats the least of my worries right?

We then had to go outside to wait. Normally you have 14 days or so to change, have your attnys look over this, you can back out of this agreement. Or its settled with your next court date, which is TOMORROW. So neither of us have time to show our attnys until we are there tomm morning. My mother was shocked and said she didnt think Ex’s attny would go for what ex agreed to, but I dont know what will happen to be honest. All I can do is hope and pray that this paperwork goes thru and this stuff is settled. PLEASE LORD.

MY ex told the shrink he didnt agree with his mom about our kids sexually acting out either.

So she has us go wait outside to bring us the copies for tomm in court. We wait, I stay by the doors and have a seat. Ex walks to the fountain, whips out the cell phone and begins to pace and talk loud again. He then starts to whistle really loud. I was like God can you be anymore annoying? Finally get our papers and get to leave, Ex was walking in the street. I was near the end of the lot and I saw the Mustang with the top down. Hes rented these the last few times here, cause he knew I loved Mustangs. So of course what does he rent today? I just got in my Jeep and wanted to get away from him, but he pulls out quickly right behind me. Ugh, driving alongside me half the way, next to me at lights, blaring his music, finally I went slow at a light, I wanted him to go way ahead, finally I turned a diff road so as not to see him anymore. BLEH

Its strange to see him, to see what he is, I dont desire that anymore, its becoming easier for me.

I came home to find a phone message that was sent this AM from my the In Law! And it was for ME! I was like Woa, shes talking all nice and saying she wants to speak to me, that she knows we are having mediation and hopes we can get some things settled before I go, she tells me goodluck and “I love you sweetie”

WHAT THE HELL?????

This woman has created all this drama and hell for me thats resulted in wasted time, tears, worry, heartache, and me having to switch attorneys cause of her harrassment! Then she waits till the DAY I go in to try and make some type of amends? They are all nuts I tell you!

I took kids to VBS tonight, then went to the gym, felt good to go, havent been at all last week. Then I called my sister afterwards. She said my siblings are all meeting up Sat for a BBQ, Can I come? I want to, it will be all of us together, and no spouses, and now my brother is separated from his wife, he had told my sister hes looking to buy his own house instead of renting, so thats not very promising if hes already wanting to buy his OWN home. So I think it will be nice for all of us to be together. We have all experienced this, except my one sis, but she lost her first spouse to death, so many of the same emotions are involved. My family has become closer thru all of our pains and sorrows. And my brother has been the farthest removed. I look forward to seeing him, I havent seen him in over a year.

I told sis about Mr C, said he wants to take me out this weekend, and maybe we can both come by if its cool, or he can drop me off at my sisters for awhile and come back and get me. I dunno yet. I told Mr C talk to me thurs nite and see how Im feeling for weekend plans. B is going to Sushi Friday night, no mention of wanting me along. And hes working on his Jeep sat, I would love to help and Ive told him in the past, but no mention of that either. Besides I need to remind myself its time to have some FUN and JOY again, and Mr C knows this and wants to bring that into my life. He says that I have a great gift for storytelling. 🙂 Its not made up stories, I just get into telling stories from my life, he said one of mine would make a great film I told him. And he took this whole different take on a negative experience I had and showed me it in this new light, it was cool!

Well B is on, probably gonna go call him about the court experience.

Pray for me tomm AM all, since I will be in court. Im less nervous then before. I feel stronger, Im less scared of my Ex. I will not let him scare me, even though he has still tried. I have stood my ground!

Oh B is on, Ill finish my entry later