PAIN

Dear Diary,

This is a painful post. My friends here know already, but its STILL PAINFUL.

I dont understand it one bit.

Its one of those things in life that just makes you say “God Why?”

And it also is very isolating.

So this is my let it rip. Because I have no idea what to do with all of this? I mean I want to yell at my son, I want to yell at my ex husband.

I got myself out of that awful marriage, to not expose my kids to seeing abuse and control is NORMAL for a married couple. They were 4 and 6 then. My Son who was 4, has been tough for me for so long, and Ive loved that kid.

I could write so much, but putting him in the best schools, getting him a counselor, keeping him in church and private school….. Encouraging a strong work ethic, ever since he was a little boy he has wanted to go in the military, and Ive always supported it. Got him gifts of military items, listened to him and his stories and preparing his survival bag and earning money to fill it.

It came down to the line of I was living under the same stress as I had with his father, but worse, tension, eggs shells, counselor at church finally told me my son was abusing me and would I tolerate this behavior from anyone else? What would I do if a friend treated me that way?

I reached my limit the week of his 16th birthday and called his Dad. He went to his Dads and my ultimatum was he had to follow my rules if he wanted to stay with me, he declined, peacefully over a lunch with my mom and big sister and told us he wanted to live with his Father. So that was that. What happened from there? I saw him maybe twice? Once over night and it took mos to see him the first time. I expected every other wknd visits like it was the other way around, nothing. I didnt pursue it either because he had been acting up so badly with me at home, disrespect, lying, stealing, yelling at me and verbally abusing me through my bedroom door as I stayed calm saying “Son I am not speaking to you like this” and on the floor with my mom in tears.

Calling the counselor also for support.

Everyone said I fought the good fight, that I hung in there a long time.

It was hard to let him go, but hard to let him stay with me.

When I did see him, he hugged me long and hard and we talked a lot. I told him how I would always be free to travel to his award ceremonies and things of that nature, military, etc.

He ended up leaving 2 high schools while living with Dad and then couch surfing, not wanting to tell me where he was living and adamant the one time I demanded from the woman or else I was calling police as he was a minor….

So I feel like Ive been in some nightmare of people eliminating me from my sons life, nobody calling me, its like I dont exsist. I called the Aunt of my ex where they lived, left a voice mail about his high school graduation, NOTHING.

Yet they speak to my Mom who sent them $100 a month for school expenses when they had my son. Mom tells me everything. I know all, and mom called an doffered that when my ex phoned me to say his aunt and uncle were going to the state and wanted money for raising our son.

My ex owes me around $36,000 to this date in back child support. And he calls me wanting me to pay his aunt and uncle????

Meanwhile hes busy remarrying and building malls, our income is most my husbands, I make money on the side with painting furniture and that varies month to month and if I lived on my own with that income Id be renting a bedroom out.

I will cut to the chase, the aunt sent me a grad announcement, I contacted, no reply, as I have to fly out or travel, the location was not in our hometown but an hour out and we needed tickets to attend. Son said “You can come if you want” via facebook when I heard nothing and no answers to my phone calls either. I came out and said “Son was is going on, I feel like you dont want me around? and said i needed to know how I would get the tickets” he never replied to me again. But he did call my mom and his brother to see if they wanted tickets, neither of them went, they had things going on. I never heard a thing, I even flew to California just in case, my sister said shed call in sick to work to take me an hour from her home as it was on a week day. Nothing. And my ex, despite his “apologies” for what hes done to me. I dont trust.

Why is it my son is buddy with him now and he gets to be involved in everything?

Why is mom ousted?

He cut me off for a long period, then last min calls me saying he wants to see us before he goes off to boot camp, we buy his flight out, Im thrilled to see him, we have a good night and the next day he acts up, being stupid here, and that eve hubby told him to turn his computer down as he was sleeping and had to get up for work, son started texting me from his phone to mine around midnight saying we were disrespectful to him and he wanted a flight home NOW.

Sigh… I know my son, he gets set off and goes down a path of irrational and then just verbally attacks, he started to do it the night this all went down and then refused to speak to me and went to the bedroom(then the text that eve) we still had a full day and 2 nights. What went down after that was an argument with my husband in his face and telling him to get out of our house and yelling at him and my son calling 911 like a little kid. And not thinking hes not a minor anymore. His manipulative abuse at work. Saying we were jeopardizing his military career with this happening and then texting me once again blaming me? Thats an argument between 2 men. Cops came and we agreed to let son sleep here, and he was to leave us alone. I looked up hotels for the next night by the airport and would put him there as hubby was at work and it wasnt good to be alone with my son like this. I was on eggshells till he came out of the bedroom, He flung the door open, walked out rudely without saying goodbye. I said “Are you coming back” he said no, I just said “I love you”

I asked later that eve by text if he had a place to stay, he said yes.

and asked if I would check him in for his flight online and said thank you.

Then he proceeded to text and blame me and tell me off and hubby too

And that has been it really

And now I dont get any word on military, I have to search his Dads fb page in a private fake page I made to even see it, and found military photos there, I found a site with training photos.

I did get a text on moms day with his photo saying Happy Moms day, but nothing more from a number I dont know and part of me wonders if he even sent it. I think someone else did as the strange thing was my old and youngests moms day texts came through at the exact same time.

So I look at see a fb post on his page(which Im not on, because he didnt ever speak to me so I removed myself as I dont trust him and some of the people on his page, his Dad, and his Dads ex and her kids who made my life hell for years)

So I see I may have missed family day and his military boot camp graduation… or its in a matter of days.

And once again Im hurt, and angry and confused

You can be mad at me and my husband, but your Dad has abused you and lied and thrown you out and youve witnessed what hes truly like and could no longer live with him, but in a week you two are talking and your posting how you love him and cant wait to see him, and Im non exsistant?

I seriously dont get it, Im not even typing out the whole story for strangers reading this, but those who have known me a long time know whats occurred.

How long will this continue? I have no info on my son when people ask how hes doing. But he did write Gma and tell her he loves and misses her and her cooking? Even though Gma backed me up 100& with everything and also refused to let son come stay with her and got upset with him too over things he did. Why is Mom not to be forgiven and left out?

Why has the one who busted her hump to raise 2 kids alone dealing with abuse and court dates and trying to provide calm and security and love and God in their lives the one who is shunned?

Why?

And I ask God “Is this to protect me? God is this why you keep my son away from me?” because being apart of this would be bad? I just dont know? I dont know how to deal with being in the dark, and our last talk we hugged on the porch the first night he was here before the blow up and he said “Its done Mom” in regards to not speaking to me and all that had been going on.

I know we live in a fallen world and people are not perfect. I know Im just Mom and hes a young man who is 19 and thinks he knows it all and people say he will get in and the military will straighten him out.

Yes yes yes…. it doesnt give me back those moments, a missed high school graduation, a missed prom, a missed military graduation….

THey are forever lost moments I cant recapture….

And if anyone wants the best and not to undermine and screw that kid up its ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And meanwhile the one who did the opposite gets front seat, WHY?

I dont get it… I just dont…