Feeling Odd Man Out

Im having a moment, okay so an hour or so of just bleh…

Things swimming around in my head I just need to get out, just momentary feelings…

Things like the fortune cookie I just opened that says “Rely on close friends to you for advice”

And I just want to laugh,,, my close friends for advice? WHO? And the ones I consider to be closest they cant even give me decent advice most of the time, my own advice is better!

And then I wonder do I sound arrogant? Am I arrogant?

For thinking much of the time my own advice is best?

That when Im down and out and upset. I usually journal, talk to God, talk to B or call my big Sister.

And then I thought of my big sister, she is awesome these days. She encourages me a lot, a lot of scripture sharing and just simple encouragement.

Now Im not dissing my friends here online, Im just expressing a general day to day real world around me life.

Im watching this abuse forum and wanting to tell everyone to grow and get better, I want to push people for change. I want to go all “Dr. Laura” on them.

D called me tonight and I think part of why she may be in my life is my training grounds for being firmer and more straight forward with my friends.

It is probably the first friend Ive had where I can say how I feel and not try and sound all nice and coddle. I always have a hard time being opposing to a persons comments or points of view of beliefs, I normally shut down, be quiet, nod. But with her I can say it like it is. And I get stronger with it the more problems she throws at me. I have said things like “I dont need to hear the whole story, its the same one, what is it you want?” and just cut her off.

I tell her I love her by the end of the calls, but I also harp on her some too.

And then I realize how much Im becoming like my own Mom.

My mom lost a friend of over 20 yrs last week, my mom is a long time hospital volunteer for support team. She was honored by the local mayor and LA mayors office for her amount of hours put in.

But her friend had her own crap and took poor care of her health and well my mom got on her and nagged her, she nagged her about the men she married to and dated , you name it, my mom read me a letter she wrote to her friend and read at her bedside. Basically how she was more like a mother and frowned on her decisions and nagged her just like her drs did. But when it came down to it, she wanted my mother there. My mom said “I dont baby her! No way, not like these other ladies who visit that she has fooled”

And my mom is firm. Shes an interesting woman, you dont see the soft emotional side of my mom, you see the compassionate, sympathetic, strong, solid rock, but she keeps her own stuff hidden away.

But mom is awesome you know?

I feel at times like Im my own island, odd man out in situations. And then maybe thats where that arrogance or superiority feeling comes in. I dont know how else to explain it, where you feel like you know what your talking about despite what others say, or perhaps thats another trait of moms. Being secure with your own beliefs wether they are popular or commonr or what have. Standing on them, but i admit when Im standing and am alone in my views I doubt myself, I get a littl ehard on myself, wonder why Im over here seeing thing so differently then a group over there and then wondering why i see things differently and not like a group and whats wrong with me?