Teach people how to Treat Us

Dear Diary,
Morning. Man I feel a whole lot better this AM. I felt like HELL yesterday. All the way up until last night. I basically took a hot bath, B rubbed Tiger Balm into my neck and upper back and I snagged one of the antibiotics(B and my son both have some) and just wanted to see if it would even help. Well something worked cause I feel better today.

I was nauseated, hot, just moving slow, but my upper neck/back area was just sore.

I went and got some Soup for dinner from the Chinese Restaurant, I didn’t want to cook and I was just wanting SOUP. B picked up Indian food next door and I tried some, was my first time ever having any. Had a Samosa(pastry wrapped potatoes, peas and spices) And some Curry Chicken and Basmati rice, the Samosa was pretty good and spicy.

So B called me yesterday, told me he knew I was feeling bad and that he would get both the kids for me that day (aweeee) I said thank you for that. He also was really good, rubbing my neck, got the kids their dinner and all. So I pretty much laid in bed till around 8pm and then got up as I was feeling a little better and got the kids in the bath after I took one.

Found out oldest hasn’t done 3 assignments and has an F in Science and Lang Arts as a result. I had to sign this sheet! So needless to say I was no happy! He wants to go on these two band trips coming up, which cost money and he brought me the forms. I interrogated him over the undone assignments, told him he will have them done by Friday and I will not turn in these trip forms until hes done all the missing assignments. He has a Myth story to write, a poem and a Egg Experiment. Im all “Why havent you done this? Ive never even heard about these assignments? Why didn’t you say anything???” And he said “I did” Im all NO you didn’t I have never heard about it/ Hes all being sad and puppy eyed (Sorry bud wont work!) And then he said he needed help and that I was on the computer. B even turned around and I looked at him and said “Don’t even give me that, everyday I pick you up the first thing I ask you is if you have homework and you tell me its done, this isnt grade school, I don’t know what you have to do unless you tell me and if you want to remain in band you have to get good grades” So we shall see what happens. I told him the 3 assignments will be turned in by Friday and signed the note to the teacher. So B said hed help him with the Egg science project but my oldest had no info for us about it, Im all “Didn’t the teacher give you a sheet?” and hes all “No” and I was so annoyed with him last night cause I said “How can we help you if we don’t know what to do?” And then on the way to school this AM he informs me he has all the materials for it in his bag! I was ticked off. So today its no tv and time to get all these undone assignments completed. Hes been so into band and all and I told him that its not his first priority, and hes gonna learn real fast. He wants band, he has to do well in school.

So they are having a field trip to the Rose Bowl for a game and to see the band play, it can be a family thing and Im considering all 4 of us going, but will have to talk to B today about it, as I said we could split the cost. Its $15 a person and my ex wont make sure it happens and its his weekend but I will just trade a weekend with him. But we shall see if B wants to go too then all of us will go.

B ordered some books last night, he came in and talked to me about it and was all excited. He said “Yeah I was thinking when I was sitting there all that time at Kaiser the other night about that Dr. Phil book and how I don’t really have anything that moves me or any other interests, I have become complacent, so I ordered another book, something on Taxes and this guy I had heard on the radio has written this book on doing away with the IRS Tax system.” Yeah it may sound boring , lol but its just kinda cool to hear hes actually contemplating things in a Dr. Phil book we read! HA!

D called me this AM as I was taking oldest to school, she basically got into a fight again yesterday with her husband. Ack. Slamming doors, she broke the back screen, he screamed at her and hit her in the head twice, she kicked him in bed and said I hate you,,,,,, he held her by the neck on the end of the bed……..
Um yeah. I just said “D, you need to get yourself out of there and you need to get yourself some help, this isnt going to get better, its escalating, and one of you is going to end up hurt” You know, you learn a lot as you go. Its one thing to call me and talk to me, but not if you are just wanting to dump this drama and do nothing about it, so Im at the point of “D, get help, heres the number” we have a support group, shelter, all of that here in town, I went there for several years, that’s where she can go and get help and she knows it, I cant help her with this, shes gotta get the help. But as I see on so many shows “Whats the payoff for you staying?” is what Dr. Phil says, how people usually engage in this for a payoff, even though they are crying “Victim” they are also enabling the situation. And she even says she just wants him to make her feel better and keeps egging him on and wont let a situation alone, she in some way feels she deserves to be abused and is punishing herself but then blames him, and on and on. Plain and simple, its sick, she needs help. So she said shed call me later for the number. Hell I will drive her to the group and go the first time if need be, I don’t mind that.

I am so thankful to be out of all that stuff. And I told her, something that seems so basic but silly to me that I didn’t “Get it” until just recent was “If Im unhappy with B I don’t have to stay with him. I choose to stay in this, so if Im going to stay with him how can I make this work?” and if it doesn’t work for me, if its making me unhappy I have to make the choice to end it. So that’s where I am, but when it comes to physical violence, that’s never okay and I told her that. But she makes a choice to remain in that, as we all do. So many of us feel “Stuck” or like we have no choices, WE DO.

But somewhere we forget all that or were never taught that and we put up with crap for so long. We teach people how to treat us.