6:30 am he Called
Dear Diary,
Morning. I was so tired this AM, just didnt want to get out of bed. Wanted to just SLEEP. I have been waking up later and later and Im amazed I still manage to get ready and the kids off to school in time! But I do!
I was up till about 12:30 am. I finally tried calling B near midnight. I kept calling his phone all eve but no answer. So I finally paged him near midnight, then again at 12:30. Heard nothing.
I finally just fell asleep.
I was thinking about my Ex before I did fall asleep. I know its just the loneliness talking but I was thinking about holding him. I was just really lonely last night and thinking how he is probably feeling the same, and what would it be like if we were near eachother and just held one another? Like I said just a thought.
Well that thought turned into a dream, or maybe it was a dream and not even a thought to begin with? I dont remember! It seemed that he was over, sleeping with me, we didnt have sex, but I was all worried what to do in the morning didnt want the kids to see him there or his truck since it would confuse them so much.
Anyways, last night I was online and broke down with a guy who knows B, and I have known for many years. He was shocked to hear how things were going since I was generally saying glowing things about B. He said “Call him and tell him how you are hurting, tell him what you are telling me” I said “I have, over and over” he said “Hun, you wasted years with your ex, dont regret having wasted more with B” I said I know. I told him i dont really see things as a Waste though. Not even the years with my ex. I just dont view things in that way.
He asked if he could take me and the kids out to Disneyland and pay!And hes all “Ask B if I can do that” Im like “ASK? I dont ask B anything” Then my friend said “How far apart do u 2 live again?” I said, well now the drive is about 35 min. He said “Oh geeeze! I drive to N. Hollywood, twice a week to see my girl and all together my drive time is 6 hrs a week!
Saying our drive time is nothing, when in reality I know it isnt. I would see him more. Id drive down more, but if he would ask me to or want me and the kids around, or have something to do, but he doesnt really do that.
Well I was woke up at about 6:30am this morning. It was B. He said he went to bed at 8:30 pm last night. Got home from work, got in the jacuzzi for an hour and talked to the wife roomie, then just went to bed. He said “I miss you” I said “You do?” and he replied “Yeah contrary to popular belief, I do” I was pretty out of it, but he said he needs to start going to the gym, his waist is expanding, his clothes arent fitting well, and something about needing new dress shoes for his new job. Then he had to go and get ready to leave. I fell back asleep for almost another hour then got up myself.
I wonder if Im going to just become so lonely and attention starved we will just drift apart with no real words.
Dunno