Weed, Talks, Us

I feel so far behind, I like to keep up with everything in my journal and when several days pass sometimes I dont feel I have enough time to sit and get caught up. I know its not that big a deal. I guess I just hate to leave parts out, I see my life as my story and have many friends who follow along and had to leave out chapters or pages, haha, funny huh?

I have kept a journal ever since I was in Jr. High. My girlfriend got me started as she got one first, but then I followed suit and have never really stopped. I have about 4 or 5 handwritten journals. And then it stopped for a chunk of my marriage. I was too afraid of him finding what I was writing so I didnt do it, I only journaled when I was very upset. So I have some mismatched pages, I had some where I was literally crying and stabbing the pen into the paper as I wrote.

Then I found dear diary and began that during the last part of the marriage, then my ex found it after we separated, and I had to be more careful on what I did.

So the kids were going to their Dads, it was the weekend B and I were celebrating our 4 yr anniv of our first actual “Date” or the moment we began to see one another. I got home and was on the computer, starving of course but waiting for him to get home so we could go out to eat friday night. Sat we had plans to go eat out of town, but I wanted to go out fri local and I knew he would too.

Well he got home about 7pm, he came in the door, I was hungry and just wanting to go, and he gave me a hug, he REAKED, like pot. I smelled it, it was strong.

And I said right away “Did you have to go and smoke it again?” He stood there for a minute and played dumb, I said “I can smell it all over you, it reaks” He said “Uh oh Im busted huh?” he said lets go to Chilis and use our gift certificates and then go shopping afterwards at Best Buy and Barnes and Noble with our other gift cards. ALl I wanted to do was eat cause I was terribly hungry and now I was upset over him smoking again. I didnt talk, I just got ready to go. He talked about his stock thing at work, I just listened, I told him I didnt want to do chilis as it would be about an hour wait and its across town. I just wanted to run to In N Out, and I now wasnt in the mood to go out with him. I was upset.

I was conflicted. We got to In N Out, I went through the drive thru and we parked in the parking lot to eat. No talking. I really didnt know what to say, but I had been figthing back tears the whole time. I didnt want my boyfriend high, I wanted him as himself.

So all I could muster up to say was that I did not understand it, and it makes me uncomfortable. He said “Your mad arent you?” I said “I dont think Im mad, Im more conflicted” So we sat and I talked, I told him how if this is what he wants to do fine, but that I dont know if I want it in my life at all. And I dont think I do. I didnt want to debate it, I know he doesnt think its that big a deal, and there are many who feel the same, FINE, but its about ME and what Im okay with. I said “I dont know what to say, do we need to talk to a counselor about it?” Hes all “Sure, thats fine with me” and I sat there for a minute and said “The other part of me says WHat the hell??? Why go to a counselor over pot use or not? If I dont feel okay about it, what do I need to be convinced or swayed to change the core of who I am and my beliefs?” So I said no.

Fact is, Im not okay with it, I dont want it in the house, I dont want him high, I dont want pipes around here or him sneaking outside before he comes home, I dont want him smelling like it when he comes home. Ive grown up in a very drug free environment and in my own life since being on my own. And Im not cool with it and I just cried in the Jeep as we sat there, I told him simply “I dont understand it, It makes me uncomfortable, and it goes against my core values” I told him that I can hear Dr. Laura in my head saying “YOu women allow this crap into your homes and your babies, all because of some guy” B replied “Yeah I can hear her saying that” and he said he realized how bad this looks when he says he doesnt do it much and then here it is twice in one week.

He held my hand, I cried, he apologized. We sat there.

I think what was the most upsetting to me was its a major conflict, here is a person I love and adore doing something I feel strongly about. So I said to him “I dont ever think I can feel okay with it” And if he wants to do it, so be it, Im not mad, I just cant have it in my life, and this isnt as simple as I like mexican food and you prefer italian. he said he thought it was but understood its not that way for me.

Anyways, we got home and he said “Should I just go away now and leave you alone, do you want me to go?” I said No, and we hugged and laid on the couch and talked for about an hour, he laid in my lap.

So we laid there and at 9pm B wanted to watch a wrestling documentary, he asked if it was okay or did I prefer he not watch it, I didnt care. We went and watched it, I watched it too and it was more like reality tv, a wrestler who does Ultimate Fighting and his girlfriend and his drug abuse and her drinking and the sport, etc

I fell asleep briefly during it and then awoke at one point and stayed awake, Well after it was over, B and I made love. Yes we are actually going on 3 times in one week!

Sat AM we slept in, I got up earlier then he did which is the norm as I get more sleep all week. I got up and just did things around the house, the weather was perfect! Sun was shining. B finally got up near noon, we made eggs n sausage. We got ready and I dropped him off at the gym to work out and I headed to do my workout, luckily our gyms are like 5 min apart and close to one another.

Afterwards we stopped in the Salvation Army to browse some. Then we went home, hit the shower, yes we have our shower routine which we get less of living together, see we have this thing where we shower together, we scrub one another with the loofa, he combs the conditioner through my hair, and we have done this for a long time, and its sort of like our little special thing, when I dated Cute Gym guy I didnt even shower with him, B commented later how he was glad to hear that as he took our look ritual to be special.

We then got ready and headed out of town for dinner. We went to our favorite place and luckily they had a table right away! And we actually got one of our favorite tables! YAY!

We had our yummy appetizer, its this Feta Cheese, Guacamole, Sun Dried Tomatoe Crostini bread, and it comes with this dip, OMGOSH its sooo good! Thats our all time repeat fave appetizer. They have a brewery there so B got beer and I got my little Pear Blossom mixed drink.

We both had Pasta and were full as usual and still had half our dishes to take home.

Afterwards we were gonna see a movie but everything was sold out and we would have to wait 2 hrs, so we headed back home.

I had wanted to see Phantom of the Opera and it was my turn to pick, so we saw the 10pm showing in our city.

I did like it but I thought B hated it. He did okay with Moulin Rouge, Chicago he didnt care for and fell asleep, so this was had more singing then both of those films so I was thinking “Oh God he hates it!” lol

He did fine, he said some of the singing parts were a bit long and drawn out but he did like it and the story and that it inspired a section of his own screenplay and the perspective he was writing something from. So that was cool. 🙂

I liked the movie and me being the Musical lover that I am will drag my kids to see it as I do with all films like that. I like them to be exposed to this stuff as its so not common anymore and people dont appreciate it, especially a lot of males.

So we got out of the theater around 12:30 am! And came home and crawled into bed. Mom called near 9am as the kids had arrived, ex dropped them off early as he was heading out of town and I didnt want the kids going and all that.

My Mom talked to me briefly, shes all “Well the ex talked, heres what he said, He said hes looking to go to work in Phucket, Thailand”

I sat there, my mom said “At first I wondered why there?” I new right away it was where the Tsunami hit and all. Mom went on to further say “Ex said that with his abilities he could work over there and make good money and they are going to be building orphanages and things” I said to my mom “All I can think of is its his way to get out of the US to avoid paying child support” My mom said she asked him “is this an American based company” Ex said “oh yeahhhh” but then he said “Well it will take some time its in the planning stages”

Okay, well for those who dont know my ex, he TALKS one things and does another, there are times he gets ideas and hes impulsive and tells everyone about it as if its real, when its not even yet, instead of just saying “Id like to do this” he says he IS and tells everyone.

He did this when we first got married, told everyone he and I were moving to New Mexico to a christian college and he was gonna become a minister, yada yada. He had no way to get there or the finances and no job, but he kept saying “God Will provide”

Well umm,, yeah, we obviously never went, but he had everyone thinking we were.

Or after our split how he said he had a lawsuit against his former employer and was getting a settlement, he carried on for over a year with that one(never happened)

He even said that to my attny all boasting.

I got the kids and we went to Starbucks, I wanted to get B some coffee as we had a talk about what kind of things he likes as a guy, Like how I like flowers or cards anytime, what does a guy like? He said His favorite coffee. 🙂 So I got him some and the kids and I got Caramel Apple Cider.

Well my kids had theres when we got home, it was about 10:30am, well after they drank it, LOL my little one layed down and slept till like 2! I asked oldest if he was up late, turns out he was, but my youngest doesnt nap!

So it was quiet, B and I laid in bed for a long time and talked, we talked about me and the car I want, the kinda car he wants, we talked about my house, the roof , the windows, work that needs to be done, we talked about refinancing, loans, college, etc.

I had asked him what he thought about me quitting my job, does it make him nervous or anything. He said not much. He keeps telling me he will eventually be making more and there could be a point where it wont even matter that I wont need to work.

Hes talking about the house and fixing things and the kids school clothes and my ex husband and how B doesnt mind helping me with those things and I just up and told him I dont feel certain things not being married, like asking things like that of him and he said “Im not going anywhere Vicky unless you want me to go” and I guess its just hearing how he really is okay with us, despite all the stuff that comes up, he wants to be with us. And how Im more the guarded one, and remembering way back before I was first married and dating my ex and how easy it was to think of marrying and combining things, etc, and now Im so self protective and looking out for ME.

We had talked on friday night where we discussed qualities that were important to us. ANd I told him in a man that I wanted “Financially Responsible, good work ethic, Loving to me and the kids and likes to travel( B added “And he likes sex”) LOL I said “Yes a healthy sex life”

B said he failed on the loving aspect, I said that he is loving and cuddly with me and I dont see him as the guy who runs in the door with his arms open hugging the kids but that he can still lighten up and we talked about how its jsut different, an adjustment, I said I didnt mean he had to hug and kiss them, just a hug, pat on the shoulder, praise, nurturing.

So I noticed this weekend he did more. We spent half of sunday cleaning and rearranging the garage, well I planned on doing it alone but he came out to offer to help.

So he wants to help me get it in order, so we have to plan a yard sale next, then I have to organize the toys I want to sell on ebay. And we discussed getting a work out bench and basic weights set for the garage. Hes all gung ho for it, and it would be the best way for us to work out together. And he can always go out there when he cant hit the gym, it would be ideal.

So as we are cleaning the garage, I had stuff out to the side, and the mower and the kids bike on the lawn, well B turns and says “Hey that kid just took the bike??” I look out, and Im all huh? ANd some kid is riding off on my kids bike! Just walked up my front lawn and got on it and rode off!

B yelled but the kid kept going, B walked down but wasnt gonna chase him as he had a bit of lead. My oldest saw the person walk up and take it. So I told B to go after him as the kid just turned the corner. So B hoped in the Jeep and drove over, well next thing a kid about 4 houses down comes over and said that they took his bike too. His parents were outside, but he said they got it back as they left it laying somewhere, but turns out they took his little brothers also.

Okay, now mind you, to me, B is scary looking, despite not being in the gym like he used to, he still has big arms, and all his tats, he was in Jeans and a wife beater, and well I know he can be intimidating.

So I figured if he saw the kid hed get it back and scare the crap out of him.

Well B came back with the bike, said the kid, well young guy, late teens or 20 or so ditched the bike and ran over to the park, B came alongside him and he denied taking it, B was angry and talking to him but he said two other black guys that were older were walking in pace just across from him so he knew they were all together.

He said the guy was sweating really bad, B said he would have roughed him up but didnt want to get into trouble cause the guy ditched the bike already and with racial crap, some white guy chasing a black guy and beating him up wouldnt look good, plus the other guys watching. So B came back home, but his adrenaline was running, we talked, the whole male ego thing. My kids even asked why B didnt beat him up! LOL

B explained how he could end up in jail for doing so.

He did call the police and made a report and gave a description. Not that it will do much but still its best to since the guy did it to two other kids on the block.

But it troubled B all eve, he couldnt sleep last night. B is very protective, he doesnt like police helicopters flying overhead it makes him feel unsettled, at his old place he got his gun out when that would happen. Hes had some experiences in his past, and he also traveled from Nashville to California once and stayed in some bad places and had some experiences.

He was cussing and talking about the guy calling him “Nigger” my little one was around and I finally had to shush B as his language was pretty bad, he stopped and apologized to youngest who said “Its okay, My Dad does it” B said “No its not okay, Im just really upset right now”