I dont Understand

Dear Diary,

I had started a practice letter earlier to write to B. Then I couldnt do it.
Guess Ill try again cause anger is flaring up inside of me.

He wrote me an email to ask how things are going, an internet kiss and how the kids were. And all I can do is think of writing back “So did you have fun jerking off to net porn while I was with my girlfriend discussing the lack of a sex life we have and for some help and then calling you on the way home and you asking me why Im calling and to hang up cause of the weather??? And in reality you probably were in the midst of jerking off. I come home and get in bed with you and you say nothing really are not even affectionate, I get up over you to kiss you, touch your face, and you turn the light out and say goodnight. And today I see you viewed porn again last night while I was at my friends.

It fucking hurts me, it hurts me so bad. I want things to work with you and I just dont really see how they can. I dont understand you, things you do dont make sense or add up to me. When my girlfriend said “Well if he doesnt always want sex what about oral sex and things like that?” I said “Hes okay with me performing oral sex, but I can count on my hands how many times hes done it to me” She put her head down and said “Oh Im so sorry, you deserve to be happy sexually also”

I just dont understand this at all.

I want to make sense of why on earth he is here with me and the kids? Why on earth does he want to be here?

It would seem logical hed be content alone in an apartment, getting high when he wanted, doing whatever he wanted, nobody to answer to, time to play online games, not deal with this stuff, not be bugged about sex and jerking off online.

I mean really why is he here/????????????

I asked him this not long ago when I confronted him again over the sexual issue and he said “Because Its what I choose I love you”

Love me in what way???

It does a number to you as a woman when you know you are a good person, attractive, take care of yourself, dress nice, work out, have a sex drive, like sexy clothes, can be kinky and experimental and all those things and you have a man who isnt phased by much of it, But when I break up with him and hes all upset over losing me he can step up and work on this crap and go to therapy and listen to me, yada yada yada yada….

I just simply do NOT understand why he even wants to be here with me other then he will h ave to find a new place to live. I mean why the heck else is he here.

He has never really liked living alone though and never has, yet he is a loner, but hes always said he likes to be in a house with people. Hes rented rooms and lived at home up until just before we dated, all of his roomates until the very last one were women, hes been around women. Yet he spent most of his time in his bedroom in his own world.

I just dont understand the man, and Im tired of trying too,