Adjusting Live IN

Dear Diary,

Morning!

Been a busy one already and its just after 9am! Had to get kids ready for school, pack bags for their Dads, review spelling words, get gas, drop them off, drive to moms and drop off their stuff for their Dad, drive back to my house to meet the guy working on the shower, then grab my stuff and get to work!

I ran into my old neighbor and her daughter at the gas station, shes the one that lived where my newest neighbors are that my son is buddies with. So got to just say Hello and she told me her boyfriend is having a car in the Figure 8 racing at the fair tonight, he did the derby each year so I forgot about that as theyd have the car in their driveway each year.

Sooo lets see, I got into the gym yesterday, I admit it sucks not even saying Hi to Cute Gym Guy, I hate that part, but oh well. I just dont feel comfortable walking near him or where he is and didnt go work out with my Gym Buddy yesterday and the other guy cause they were side by side with him.

I got out of there early, went to Target to grab toilet paper and a few other things I needed, got the kids, headed home, I was going to make enchiladas and realized I didnt have any more of the sauce! WHOOPS! I didnt want to run out again so I made the kids cheese quesidillas with chicken in them, I made an extra one, I had these whole wheat tortillas I wanted to try, they are OK, but dont think Id buy them again.

Got the kids into homework mode, cleaned up the dishes, then little one and I headed out front as I was gonna mow the lawn and he was gonna rake the massive amounts of pine tree needles all over the place.

Man my neighbors yard looks horrid. I just cant believe the guy, he doesnt work, he does stay home with the kids, but he cant freaking mow the lawn? The last time it was done she did it on a friday eve after work, first time I have ever seen her do it.

The house just looks trashy, I have been emailing daily with my old film classmate, who is my neighbors oldest sister, and I hear a lot about their family, how they were raised and spoiled, and it just gives me insight into this guy.

They had parents who spoiled them rotten with gifts n things, so they associate gifts with love, but they also dont have strong work ethics, the other two are girls, so they have taken the roll as wives, mothers, but still do work, then you have the guy next door who works, hasnt finished highschool, by the way, the two girls were put in private school, he wasnt, interesting eh? And he dropped out of highschool.

So I was doing the lawn and B got home, I stopped to go and give him a kiss and hes all “What are you doing? Go back to your lawn!” and shooed me off, I just wanted to say Hello, geeesh.

He went in to his computer and was tinkering there, he ate the leftover quesedilla I made, so I wasnt sure what he wanted to have, I could make up another one.

I stayed out front for quite awhile, just watering, sweeping, raking, cutting back plants.

Put the trash cans out, then headed back in, the one thing I hate about mowing the lawn is the dust that kicks up and emptying the bag, yuck and now that I dont have a shower, I hate cleaning up in the bath, cause you know dirt and dust is on every part of your body and a shower just feels awesome for that.

B and I then went in the laundry room and he pulled the dryer out so we could reattach the hose to the wall as it had come loose and I think thats how mice got in there was jumping in through the dryer vent outside, Yes we caught 3 mice in the trap in their just recently! So Ive kept that room shut off all the time from the house.

Ive never had mice before ever living out here, until about 3 yrs ago, but Ive nabbed them it seems, we are pretty sure they get in through the laundry room, need to do something to screen in that vent. And the neighbors on the left have a full on garden and all, which we just had a squirrel problem this year for the first time also but that has since stopped.

I had bought some soup, this yummy potato, bacon, cheddar one that I love and had B try so he said that sounded good for dinner, and so he had that, anyways I came over and asked for a bite and he got all weird and irritable and said there was more out there, and didnt I want some? He thought it was for he and I. I said No I ate, I just wanted a bite, anyways, he was just testy, and I didnt like the way he was, just irritable in tone, so I just said “ok” and walked away, I even said “Are you okay?” Hes all “yeesssss” whatever.

I get easily hurt and can be sensitive, so I just went to my computer and played my game of the moment Zuma to unwind and just loose myself in, told myself I will have irritable days also, and things arent going to be constantly happy and all that. Nothing bad had happened really I just didnt like his tone and mood, so I left him alone and did my own thing.

The kids are fascinated by his computer and at him all the time asking questions, mainly the youngest, and hes put up Mario games for them to play, and they all talk games, which I dont mind, and B has even left them to play on his, so my little one will ask 20 questions and b just kept answering him.

LOL id be annoyed and say SHHHHH!

I went to the laundry room to swap clothes to the dryer and start a new load, it was getting dark and B came walking in, he came over and said “Hello, whatcha doing?” And we just hugged and rocked there back and forth, he said “Your awful quiet?” I said “Yeah, well you just seemed irritable when I talk to you so I just figured Id leave you alone” He said to me “You were acting weird” I said “Well Im not aware of what I did, but I wasnt trying to act weird” He said “Well I guess Im just weird huh?” and we hugged and laughed, and it was like in that instant it was all gone, the weird feeling and tension. We were back on track, yeah, its just adjusting, I know. And this is normal stuff, every day isnt about feeling good.

We got sleep by 10pm last night! YAY! I have been wanting him to go to bed early as it is since hes up at 5am each day, poor guy. Hes not only adjusting to living together, but also losing 2 hrs sleep each night.

OH! I forgot to write, yesterday when i was out front doing yard work with youngest we heard this loud scream but it was more of a deep one, it was strange, then we heard it again, my y oungest looks at me and says “wow, Mom, Im glad you dont yell at us like that” I wasnt even sure what it was, a child? Playing? it was a strange but super loud scream. Then I heard it again and could tell it was coming from the house across the street. This is where the kids live that go to the same school as mine do. Although I havent really seen them in a week or so. Its weird as they have been there for months but you rarely see them come out. The situation is is they live with their Grandmother who has custody, she doesnt appear to have a car, and I have never seen the Grandma even come outside, Ive seen a woman come by who Im guessing is the mother to see them, she looks umm, a little white trash like and is with a man, boyfriend? Husband? Dont know and I think she may have a child with him too as Ive seen a tiny one.

So then I start to hear “Im going to kill myself!” and screaming. I tell my little one to stay put. I go across the street and the bathroom window was cranked open and the voice was coming from there, just loud screaming and groaning, and I know there are 3 kids there, but I couldnt make out if it was an adult or child, I yelled “Are you okay in there?” and nobody answered, but then yelling started up again I could hear in the house, I could hear it now as an adult yelling “YOU BAD BAD BOY!” and yelling going through the house, I yelled at little one to get B, and I then went and knocked on the door, no answer, but the yelling was still going on, I knocked harder and I heard “Who is it?” I said “Your neighbor” I finally saw Grandma, I asked her “Are you okay?” She said “Ohhh yes, my kids just broke my dentures” and said it all frustrated. I said “Are you sure” She said Yes, and I said okay and she shut the door.

I then heard his scolding the boy again telling him he was bad.

Damn, that was a TOTAL raging fit that woman was having, saying she wants to kill herself over that? I mean the yelling was horrid, youd think the woman was being attacked. And I just instantly felt bad for those children, they dont live with their mom for whatever reason, and grandma has a rage problem. And I always wonder about children who stay indoors so much and arent out playing.

Damn I feel bad at times when I yell at my son or spank him or I get super angry, people tell “It happens, dont be so hard on yourself” and then I hear this type of thing and go damn. Makes me realize how controlled I am lol even in my anger.

I just think so often of the book “A Child Called it” by Dave Peltzer? I believe the last name is, its been so long since I read it, but he was severly abused by his mother as a child, and had episodes where he tried to get help or speak or do something and it wasnt until, I believe it was a teacher who stepped in and finally he got help and out of there. So I felt I needed to go over there, to make it known I was hearing what was going on, hoping to stop what was going on or calm her down, and then there is also the fear that they get punished worse because someone did hear. You know scaring children into silence. I really have no idea what she was doing inside there, but the way she was yelling youd think she was being assaulted in that house, then to yell to tiny children “Im going to kill myself!”????

Im sure its rough on her, being a grandmother raising 3 children, one a toddler in place of her daughter, but I pray to God she isnt hurting them more then we know.

My ex phoned finally last night and asked to speak to the kids. I said “You called me last nite at 11, what was up?” He said “Yes, uh, nevermind” and was abrupt, when the kids were done talking he wanted to talk to me. He asked me when my birthday was, he asked me about his extra weekends he owes, he asked if I went to the fair to see Newsboys perform(he knew I had their albums and liked them during the marriage) a Christian band. I said No, he said he went, but the group he was with didnt like them so he left early but he said they were good what he did see. Then he asked if I went to see Maroon 5. I said yes. He said “Oh so you were there too last night” I said “How did you like it?” Hes all “Oh Vicky, I didnt see the concert, I was just there, but I got so so drunk” I said “Are you okay” He said “Well yeah now I am” and kept talking about how drunk he got, and then said “I get too emotional, its best not to talk then”

So who knows what he wanted to say, but when hes drunk, those are the rare times hes called me up crying, saying hes sorry for all he did to me, etc etc. Just sickening he only does it drunk. And its not when hes sober, he will take it back.

He bragged about the people he went with, hes befriended a radio station female DJ. Which Im gathering is how he gets into events as of late and hes said shes got tickets for him before for things. So it was just interesting to hear he was out, tried to go see a band we used to both enjoy but his friends didnt like it and wanted to leave so he left. Then hes plastered, calling me. And right before he went to camp he was all in his judgemental church mode phase?

In some ways Im flattered, people say he has not gotten over me. I try to wrap my mind around thoughts of us back together at times, and then Im just disgusted. You see this mans character, It was there during the marriage, but now he has to fend for himself and he does a poor job of it, and I dont want to be his mommy. Its just sad that he still hasnt gotten his act together.

Im so glad I didnt make anymore children then i did with him. He was bugging me to have another at the end, kept saying he wanted a little girl, he even had her name picked out. haha, Kater Lee or however you spell it, I didnt like the name, I think its a name of a News Anchor woman.

I kept saying “WHY” why do you want a child when we are having problems?” I think he thought he could keep me, which yes, its harder to leave when your pregnant and more dependent. Just glad it didnt happen.

B got ready this Am, he came over to me and pulled the blanket down, and kissed me on the middle of my lower back, mmmmm that was nice, he tells me when he gets caught up on his sleep this weekend hes coming after me, 🙂 We will have some time alone, since the kids will be gone.

He wrote me an email this AM from work, the plan was to go see his family memorial day. He just wrote and said that A, the woman he used to live with about 2 yrs ago, asked if we wanted to hang out memorial day and hed rather do that then drive out near LAX, So I wrote him back, asked him what they had in mind and when and that the kids were coming home about 6pm Monday.

So we shall see.

Oh boy, I gotta go deal with my Dad, he wants something on Ebay and has never used it before, hes confused, I said Id bid for him if he wants something and then he can pay for it, well he seems to think he can offer an amount and just outright buy this thing! LOL its an auction Dad! Not buy it now! and he wants to pay with his credit card, but they dont take that, they take paypal which he doesnt have an account and ,,,,,,,, oh boy, my dad.