Voices in My Head

Dear Diary,

First off want to thank Jen for the card and gift certificate. THANK YOU!

I have not gotten out any cards this christmas, first time in YEARS Ive not done it, and kinda funny my close girlfriends have sent me cards that just arrived this week. So guess everyone was pretty behind this year.

I forgot to write, but when I was at the gym yesterday I was over sitting on a bench doing bicep curls and such, theres this guy, I saw him about 2 weeks ago and he waved at me, came and said Hello, and asked me where my partner was? I was all Who? And then figured he meant the guy, My Gym Buddy. I said “Oh hes in Mexico on Vacation for the month” It was a brief chit chat, I wasnt sure when Id met him before, figured I had, perhaps gym buddy introduced him? Anyways, so hes there yesterday, hes on a bench for feet from me and we have small talk, the weather, the gym and new years crowd. And so I go to put my weights back and he says “Man, you distract me so much when you walk by, stop thattttt” in a flirtacious tone. I got all flustered, I was flattered, but at the same time not interested and then Im all OH CRAP, here we go again. He kept at it and was telling me how he cant help but look at me.

I was telling B last night about this. Like, what do you say at a moment like that? Accept the compliment and move away? Tell the person off? What?

I was telling him, that there is this feel in the air right now in the gym, I cant describe it, but everyone is super friendly, and talking to one another and its a regular crowd, a lot of the people hang out outside the gym.

I am just friendly in nature. B was telling me that a guy feels he has an IN when I talk so they go for it. But then again, there are several guys there I do talk to and have for sometime who dont flirt but do talk to me. B was all “Well i dont socialize at the gym” and I do, I like the social and the physical exercise, I go for both.

Makes me want to make a shirt that says “Just because Im nice to you doesnt mean Im interested”

:)~

B just got an appointment Monday for a Job Interview. Hes seeing if he can transfer departments, which would also mean a pay raise. So hoping it all goes well for him!

Kinda wild to think ya know? How B was floating from temp to temp job. I was worried about him, how he barely had enough to pay his bills month to month. Now hes been at a job for a year now, a good paying job, full benefits and such. He just got into their Stock investment program too. Ha! I mean to think back you might not believe it had you seen him when he and I first got together.

I was saying to him last night how I have so many voices in my head. And I dont even know what my own is a lot of the time.

As far as things with B, people have their opinions.

My Mom when I told her we split up

“Vicky, he has some issues”

My middle sister

“Vicky, It makes me mad when he does those unkind things to you”

My Oldest sisters

Me and my hubby went through so much, but the love was there, do you love him? Aweeee Vicky, hes being so wonderful now isnt he? Its probably what it took to get him to wake up, he better start coming to family events more often if you two get back together, we want to see more of him!”

My sisters Hubby

“I liked B, hes a kick back kinda guy, I liked him the moment I met him”

My local gal pal

“My Mom doesnt want him over, she got a weird vibe from him”

I was even telling B how he doesnt really even know most of my CLOSE girlfriends, like the ones I grew up with as they are all out of state and I havent said much to them about him. How thats kinda sad.

Then theres my little family here at DD who some of you have seen me here since before B, and saw how things developed from start till the present.

How I havent really recieved one comment of HOPEFUL support from any of my friends here. More of support for me splitting up and stopping what was happening, that they hated seeing me hurt.

Also on my abuse site I had a lot of Pro break up talk, except this one woman I really admire, who seems so wise, She kept telling me “Vicky, he needs to feel what its like not to have you” and told me I should break up for like 4 mos or so and see what happens. She still has hope for him and sees some depth to our relationship that is pretty special, and shes been very impressed with his behavior since the breakup.

Its all those voices floating around in my head.