Girlyfriends

Dear Diary,

Morning.

I was so wiped out last night. I am in a weird state. Not running around happy and excited. But I am happy that the legal stuff is over, I feel as if Im in this coma like recovery state. Having been kept on edge for so long, waiting and wondering what he will do next, and now its DONE. I dont have to wonder now. And its as if Im on autopilot, sort of numb. Just getting a calm sense of that part of my life back. Im not sure if Im making any sense trying to describe this? But for the past 2 1/2yrs Ive been on edge with my ex in the legal system.

Now its done. :::Deep breath:::

I laid in bed, had a headache last night, I cried a little but felt better after I did ( was crying cause I missed B) I watched the Jami Kennedy experiment and it made me laugh out loud and it felt good.

I hugged my teddy bear from B and went to sleep.

The kids were arguing last night, my head was hurting and I just was wanting to cry and told them “Mommmy doesnt feel good, I need you guys to be quiet ok!?” Trying to do homework with 2 kids with a headache is a tough one I tell ya. I ended up finishing some of it with them this AM. But it all got done.

I had them both come in my room last night before going to bed, and just hugged them both since I was grumpy and unwell for the eve. And I dont want them thinking of mommy all grumpy before going to bed.

So when I was at counseling yesterday I shared the good news, She was excited along with me. I found a good counselor. I like her. Ive been fortunate with the last 3 Ive had. Women I really like. And this woman has been seeing me a few mos now, but I really like her.

So I addressed the issue with friendships. I said “I could go over the B thing, but this is B, and well I cant change him, so I have to take care of me” So we discussed my issue with friendships, people to do things with. And well she had me share about was it different in the past? Has it always been this way? Etc. And no it wasnt. I always have had a best friend, not a big circle but a close friend, still am with most of them, but they are in diff states, married, with kids, so we keep in touch via phone mostly.

So I shared with her about my past attempts with women friendships. Well let me rephrase, since splitting with my ex, my female friendships.

I run into a lot of being flaked on, women saying YEAH lets do something but never following through, me making phone calls, attempts, and after a few times of nothing happening. I give up. Im not gonna do all the work. Or else I have women friends who just pop into the picture when they want something from me. But as far as taking time to develop a friendship and just hanging out, NOPE.

So she said “Do you think women are jealous of you?” and I just sat there.

I said “No? I dont know? I dont think so?” Shes all “Well you are very pretty” and I have to say that was the first time ever I felt so umm, flattered????? To hear a woman say that I was very pretty.

I used as an example the girl I met in my computer class at college. She and I hit it off, had fun every class, going thru divorces with kids and dating, hanging with the teacher at break, swapping numbers, we went to dinner one night after class, laughed and talked. And she was constantly saying “CALLL MEE!” over and over. I did several times. I got her once, but she would be busy, and well after several calls and leaving messages on her machine and no calls back I gave up. I ran into her several times after the class ended in public, and once again she was saying CALL ME!

I even saw her in Jan at the courthouse since she works there, and guess what she said to me “CALL ME!” and Im like, fuck this. You call me. (Which I should have said) Therapist told me I should have said “I have, if you want to talk here is my number, I called you several times but never heard back” and not let that stuff slide if people are doing that to me.

But the other thing she said that hit me was… “Victoria, you have a lot to give people”

Meaning how I have a lot to offer, so people take it. But most often times they just take, without giving back. Not that I am being all Give me, etc etc with people, but friendships/relationships take effort on both sides. And well you can see it in my relationship to B also. I give freely and a lot of myself to people, they take and take, but they arent required to put much effort back. And so now I guess its how do I stop that? Or is it just the wrong kind of people?

But in the end she said “Well to be honest Victoria you are making attempts at things for friendships. I dont really have any further advice for you on that” and well I guess I saw that I AM making attempts and I want instant progress and things to happen NOW, Im impatient.

But the college class, talking to people in class when not prompted to speak, inviting teacher out, class out, talking to the group of people at the gym and starting to meet women friends of the guy I work out with, the internet ad for female friends, I am doing things. 🙂 It will happen. Just things dont develop overnight. And then the trip out with Jen coming up. That will be nice. So I guess its not as bleak as I make it out to be. 🙂

And by the way, my friend here D. I know youve mentioned in the past us getting together, not sure if you were serious, and so I dont want to blow you off either, If you want to meet up sometime let me know. 🙂 I know your life is crazy right now, but just know that Im there, if ya even want to hang out at a park or something with our kids as you mentioned in the past.

So there ya have it!