Dating, Guys and Kids

Dear Diary,

Got off work, and gave B a phone call. He has his own extension now, and I dont call him too often, Just because hes so serious and doesnt like to talk in front of people and is short on the phone. Which is fine, but not the kinda person you can just call up and chat with ya know? So today I called him, I just called to say Hi and Love you. And had that intent. He said his day was crappy. I told him I was sorry, hoped it gets better and to have fun at his martial arts class and let out the stress and tension there. And then we said goodbye.

I have to say Im noticing lately that in B’s emails hes putting in more effort, more comments towards me and us. Which I do see. I see him making attempts and I do have to give him credit. I was asking myself yesterday “Why not break up with him?” and the thought makes me want to panic and I feel terribly sad. Doesnt mean I will or I wont. But I do think about it. And I guess I dont see the relationship as a total lost cause at this point. And Im sticking up for myself and saying things that I need.

So I just checked my email tonight and found this from B….

”

Hey babe I dont mean to be curt on the phone. My boss is sitting in front of me and everyone is standing around my desk. It has been a shitty day and I am just tired. I didnt eat all day cause I was busting my ass to make up for everyone else sitting on thiers. We had 11 super rush loans…as of 1 less than half had been done. Between me and 1 other person we did 9 loans…. That is just such BS. Im sick of working hard and busting ass and getting the same pay as someone who does nothing. I would say ” its not fair” but Id have to slap myself becasue we all know life isnt fair. So tis life god damnit… So i spoke up and said something and its like nothing is being done. It just pisses me off. I do alot around here. I am not irreplaceable or anything like that, but I cannot carry the workload for 4 people who are either too lazy or incompetent to do thier jobs. shrug

So im just a lil miffed right now I am biting my tongue not to go off on some tyrade. So I am just not speaking. Its just one of those days ya know? =0)

I love you too. muah

Hope you have a good night. I will be thinking bout ya while Im trying to break some guys arm k? Imma dedicate my first arm bar to you…assuming I can get one off.LOL.

_b”

And the email was titled “SORRY” which is a word I dont really hear much from B. And well ive just gotten use to his shortness on the phone. So yes it is thoughtful gestures like that that I really do appreciate and see him making efforts.

Aweeeee. So Im not in a place to just walk away from what B and I have. I do think about it, believe me, but Im just not ready to do it. Yet I do enjoy getting to know others, and all that. And will continue to do so.

So I went to the gym, didnt think my buddy was there, but when I got done with cardio there he was with the 2 other guys hes often working out with. Sometimes there are 2 women, its a bunch of people he works with in the gym. So hes kinda the cheerleader urging others to go, teaching them how and what to do, hes really great with that. So he sees me and puts his arms out and makes a face like “Where you been!?” and I just shrug back at him, we make faces across the gym often, I stick my tongue out at him, he teases.

So he came over, said Hello briefly, and complemented my workout attire, how together it was, and that is shows Im feeling good and confidant.haha Then he was heading the other way with the guys, So he then quickly runs over, leans to me and says “They are giving me a hard time now cause I went and talked to you,,,,, BYE!” then I said bye, thought he was leaving.

Well they did one more machine near the door, he and the guys, I was off in my world doing arms.

Well guess who comes back over? hahahah, hes comes to hang out with me the rest of my work out. I guess the guys were headed out the door and one asked if he was coming over, and hes all “Oh no, Im gonna go visit…” And the guy is all “Ohhh you shit!” hes all “Yeah hes so jealous, he thinks your cute and then I go off and talk to you, Im good around women, Im a flirt, I have a lot of friends, and hes one of those guys who says stuff and has to put his foot in his mouth” So they teased him for going to hang with me.

I enjoy him, he makes me smile. Today I worked on abs, I hate doing it and its the one area I neglect at the gym so today he got me over to start, and he even touched me a few times (yes I notice) Hes upping the level of flirting, I notice subtle touches to my back sorta like assisting me sitting and things like that. Very gentleman like. And when he didnt see me for awhile at the gym he wanted a hug! aweeee

So he told me several times how cute I am, then mentioned the stuff he and his friends do when they all go out for a good time and said “You need to find a group like that to hang out and do that stuff with” I said “Oh yeah? And not sit home so much?” And hes all “Thats right!” I shoulda just said “Ok invite me next time” But I didnt, but I would go, and he does do things in groups often. Hes always telling me about a concert or a night out and having a blast.

So we shall see eh?

Anyways we finished up and both went our ways.

I got my kids back afterwards, and they both didnt really even acknowledge me or even smile or look at me, My mom was reading them a book. They picked up their bags so quiet and serious. We got in the Jeep and they both had the most pathetic looks on their faces. Im like What is going on??? The little one said “I miss Dad” And covered his face.

It was really awkward with them. I felt so strange. Im like Hey guys I havent seen you in a week welcome home, and wanting to hug on them. Found out they spent Mon-Thurs at Ex’s Moms. I asked if Daddy left them alone, they said No ( Thats the rule they cant be left alone with her) But I seriously doubt all that time with my ex and his Mom they didnt say some crap. Neither of them watch their tongues. My little says “Mom, you know what, Dad doesnt have any money, just some quarters!” And keeps telling me how Daddy has no money over and over. Then my 7 yr old starts rattling off some story of Daddys last job, how some guy got hurt, and Daddy lost his job, ugh, another version of him losing his job added to the pile. It like hes telling the kids hes broke and has no job, and they are all compassionate for him. Its like how do you deal with this crap. I dont tell the kids “Your Dad isnt paying child support” So all I said back is “Honey, Daddy needs to get a job, thats how grown ups have money” Then when I heard the speech on his old job I told my child “Huney, Daddy can get another job, there are lots of jobs out there” And I didnt say anything else about it. Although I do get pissed off hearing how he has no money, yet they took a trip, went to the movies, are always getting new DVDs, and eating out and getting Happy Meals.

Bleh, but we sat on the couch, it took about an hour, then they warmed up, we were all snuggled on the couch, they greeted the dog and the pet rats. And they were thrilled with the big fruit dish I got as Costco, so they both were like WOW and thrilled with it and had some fruit. So now they seem better, WHEW! I just hate seeing them return like that. Anyone else deal with this? Thank God I got the paperwork changed, He woulda had them 4 weeks in the summer, now we alternate week on week off. Ive got a long road ahead and 2 children who will have to be with him and Im sure that he will do and treat them in many similar ways he did me. Mainly the lies, manipulation, stories, they are kids and belive adults. Especially there Dad. SIGHHHHH

My Kids also like the paint job I did. 🙂 They noticed right away and said they like it.

So Im just home tonight, dont think Ill do much going out this weekend, dont like to drag the kids places when they are away from home, they tend to like to have some time just at home to play and get back into the swing of our lives. So Ill just work on stuff around the house.

Later!