Freakin Out

Dear Diary,

Im having a meltdown moment and to be honest I dont exactly know why.

Im awake and Im crying and my mind is all going in the downward crappy spiral.

B just walked away from me and said hes fucked either way so he wasnt even going to try and just went to bed. I just put my head in my lap and cried.

And I was just irritable about the time we have NOT been together the eves this week so far, last night I rarely got to speak to him and then he just crawled in bed and was asleep in 5 min.

So tonight I walked in and put my head on his at his desk and told him I missed him.

Then he came in and I was watching a special on Teens and Sex and got up and said I could watch it but to him it was insulting.????

And then i see he finished off the bottle of wine that we opened a few nights ago and left the empty bottle on the counter and that bugged me.

Hell Im over the beginning crappy PMS part, or so I thought.

I just needed some attn tonight was all. I looked at him, made eyes, touched him playfully and he was all annoyed with it and shrugging it off.

I think Im adoration deprived right now. I need comments and touch, I need to hear things and feel touch. And so I said what was so insulting about the show, and hes all “oooooo, likes its all special with Katie Couric and something new! :::Gasp:::” I told him to shut up and that he was rude.

Anyways, it all just sounds silly.

All I know is he cant stay away more then 2 min in bed next to me without passing out yet he was on his computer wide awake till i said I missed him and he comes in, puts an arm around me, doesnt speak and is falling asleep.

Then I just go into freak out mode.

And thats where I am right now.

In that freak out irrational negative state.

I can hear my counselor and I discussing this, how I feel better in the AM and wonder why I got so upset, but at night this happens sometimes.

My mind is spinning all sorts of things, like telling B about Cutie, or the desire to just want to take off and see Cutie just to feel special.

Or that I just want to quit my job.

I just want to be impulsive.

I have my struggles and issues too and then Im damn mad for working on them at times and just want to rebel, when I deal with struggles he cant even see.

Im just so tired, I feel so lost about life, what i want anymore. I dont even know.

A nicer home, a nicer car, marriage, another child?

But what for? Why? WHat will be my goal in living if I work less? More time to dwell on other crap I dont have and be upset over it?

I get in my “Just tell B its over” moments, cause Im just so freaking scared, and I just wish he could hear me and hold me and tell me its all gonna be okay and I just wanna tell him how damn scared I am of us not working out and all. That I cant move forward and I hold back for things out of that fear.

Its hard, its like a part of me jsut wants to curl up and be taken care of, yet the other part of me says NO! You cant count on anyone, you have to be self sufficent, cause at some point you will be hurt and let down and if you let go of what you have to keep you afloat yourself, your screwed.

I dunno, I always trying to do everything with such formulated plans, and another part of me is tired of that, Ive done crap that way and I just want to be impulsive and do whatever.

I sit here tonight and contemplate giving notice at my job and just think about not having to go to work every damn day the way I have for the past 4 yrs.

No I wont do it, but I mull over it and the idea.

I have worked on these old home movies and gone through them and think I located who they once belonged too, only to feel some weird anti climactic feeling today after getting an email.

Its really strange watching old home movies, I have watched a group from the 1930s and 40s, all of this particular family, their home different years and seasons and get togethers and their hutch full of figurines or elaborate table settings or get togethers and flowers in their gardens, such a beautiful place this was and how much time was poured into those gardens. I get down to the last reel and find a name! In turn I find a name online and a genalogy site lady who I write an email to excitedly.

She writes me back and says the man died in 1946 and he left that summer home to the SISTERS, you know, the Nuns, Catholic church and all.

And its like ….. sigh…. thats it…. he left that home of memories to nuns? What on earth do nuns do with a summer home by the lake? Selll it for profit for their ministry or what?

And then its like where are all these people in the films, the small children could be alive still and all. Do any of them know that all these home movies exsisted, and then I just want to reunite the damn movies to their families and give them the memories that may be special or relatives they never saw but could see on moving pictures.

And I was watching CSI the other night and the woman doing a sexual assault exam on a woman and naming her and the guy telling her not to get attached or you will burn out, and how she spent all her time researching and finding names to locate Jane Doe and meeting her husband and on and on, and in this weird strange way I feel thats what iM like with these people in my movies, My job is to document whats on the film, I do all that, but I go into research mode too, I enjoy it.

I want to know who these people were, how did their film end up out there like this and not somewhere in the family?

And then I thought of B’s Dad who hes never known or even seen a photo of and pulled up my emails of info I got on him 2 yrs ago. His real father died in 1986, its about an hour and 15 min to the cemetery without traffic where hes buried, B has never been, we have talked about going but its been so long since its been uttered, and in some way I want to get a photo, or something, see who his Dad was, do they resemble one another? And where is B;s half brother who could be about his age, and the sickening part was his real dad was living in the same city he was living in as a kid and was never told.

And I just hate all these scattered pieaces and want to connect them all….

But why?

Is it my escape, my ways of making stories in my head ….

And I dont even know waht the fuck I want out of life. I have a man who does love me yet Im terrified of……

And I just dont want to be stuck but I also dont know where else to go….