Get me OUT of the Ghetto!

Dear Diary,

More like Dear Lord,

You know my heart, you know my desire, my desire to want to move, that this house has never felt like a HOME to me, Its officially 10 yrs this year that I have lived in this place. Ive seen it change, drastically about 5 yrs ago was the start and gradually more, the homeowners are leaving, they couldnt afford to sell their homes to make a profit, so they kept them all to rent, they are all being turned into government housing, each set of new neighbors its own set of problems, people with no regard, hostile if you say anything about their kids behavior or their messes or their noise, they scream racism.

My home is my place to escape, my peace, and I have bass blaring all during the day off and on.

Im feeling like an old foggy now, the crochety woman with her phone calling the police and many nights on my couch to escape the booming sound coming thru my bedroom wall neighboring the booming music. I have made the police calls and done my part. Its a slow process.

I am in no position to move, but I also know God can make things happen that seem impossible.

On paper my income looks impossible to live on and the fact that I own a home too! That my son was accepted into a program for high school better then a private school and has his first 2 yrs of college paid for.

Just last year I had private school papers, interview set up and said Id borrow if I had to, to keep him out of the horrid school in our district.

And here God landed this school in my lap and my son did the footwork and all to get himself in there as he heard about this program, not Mom.

I am following Dave Ramsey material, I have my $1000 emergency savings, I paid off about 4 credit cards already, working on the last one, then Im down to a student loan, equity loan and legal fees.

Right at the time I used my tax return to pay things off, a temp high paying part time job falls in my lap, my sibling calls me with a number about a job, I test for it, 2 mos later I hear back and I just finished the first temp job, and that brought in over $2000 in 4 weeks, a BIG help to paying off things! And I know its God.

I know I have to pay off debt, I know that God doesnt want me in bondage to lenders and it does make you a slave. I have had such an awesome jumpstart on my debt snowball and extra income to wittle it away.

Now my partner needs a job, we need health insurance. And I desire to get out of this neighborhood. But income wise we are not in a place to make that happen right now. So I figure God has me here still, its frustrating, but Im here, but I want to leave. I really do, it makes me sad at times being here. I stopped the temp job on Sat and Im already feel depressed. Its like when I was doing that job I was on the go so much that I had no time to think about other things.

Issues with my child, making poor choices, doing risky behaviors, people telling me to do this and do that and my head swimming as a parent with WHAT TO DO and then just having to quiet myself and say “Hes in Gods Hands” but then I feel like a bad parent for not taking immediate action.

I can pay for someone to talk to about this and then be out more money as I dont have health benefits, granted we have counselors, great ones, but Im almost to the point where they are just people and they are there to bounce stuff off of, but they cant change anything really.

I want to move to a better area, I want my son to wake up and get on the right path. I want a good job with benefits for my man.

So I just pray…

And I desire a peaceful place to live but that is NOT promised to us by God on this earth, so am I looking for something unreasonable? I know people have it SOOO much worse then I do, I dont have it bad. Im okay, Im making it, we arent in serious financial straights, I have debt to pay off but am making headway and paying the bills, I have excellent credit and Im not behing in anything, I own an affordable home, cars are paid for, kids education at this point is good, my partner and I are tying the knot very soon…

Ahh yes, but Satan attacks my sister keeps reminding me, hes there to rob you of your peace and joy. And I have had some praises, I guess it just feels like when I feel good about things something negative happens and then I feel bad for feeling so good like I shouldnt have and I set myself up for something bad to happen, does that make sense? Does anyone else feel that way. Is that right or wrong? I dont know.

I spoke with a woman Ive known online thru a forum last night for awhile, and it was actually difficult talking to her, her advice to me was way off track of where Im taking my life but she kept telling me “Do this, do that!” and I didnt agree with any of it but you could tell she wasnt hearing my side of things so I just let her speak, I said “Okay God is there something you want me to learn from this, is there something she is saying I need to take?” but at the end it made me be more wary of her and gave me more insight into the dilemmas she gets herself in.

And its really tough when one of your kids is doing REALLY well and deserves rewards and praise and your other one is going in the exact opposite direction… that is tough for me, I have such extremes right now in my children.

Lord Help me get thru this, give me the wisdom, help my Child.