Being Alone with Yourself… scary!
I just sat out in backyard and wrote this, now i have to type it…
Im having a morning where I want to avoid my own thoughts, where I want to escape.
Is it that I have too much free time to dwell on such things? Or is it that God wants me closer to Him and that is what he desires is quiet time with me?
I know the Bible says not to worry or be anxious, do not fear.
I think this is all such a struggle in this world….. ANXIETY, WORRY, FEAR
And how many mental issues do people suffer with as a result?
I have to remind myself of scriptures. Because when Im at these places of going “God Why? Make it stop! Help Me!”
I place all my dependence on HIM. I have never been one to be angry at God at those times, but I know many others who do get that way.. When Im under a great amount of stress my typical reaction is fear, tears, I will call someone or write about it to deal with it.
But when you are up at 3, 4, 5am in the morning, its not convenient to call someone. Then its me, alone with God. Do you ever notice how hard is is to truly be alone with yourself and your own thoughts? No distrations? No tv, radio, computer, phone, friends.
Just YOU alone with God?
I think I want to run from it at times.
I am unsatisfied with where I live, my house, city, neighborhood. Its a daily thought in my mind. I think about leaving, I look at real estate listings, I look at rentals ads. I fantasize about being pursly irresponsible and running off to where I want to be and seeing where I end up.
Financially I am not in a position for much, the market sucks now so selling my home would be tough and if I did I might get $99,000 for it. I owe a total of $62,000, so that doesnt leave much. Not much for a home in California, sure it would be a down payment, but then I wouldnt even be able to afford the mortgage payments.
So here I am, many other things Im dealing with but this is one that eats at me daily.
I enjoy what I do and working for myself, but it takes time to build a business, sure I wish I made more, had all my debts paid off, and then could start figuring what to do next.
School starts this week, so Im back to being local and not going to far from home, even though Im eager to get away to the ocean and a beach house once again.
Patience right?