Feel So Alone

Dear Diary,

You ever just feel really alone? Like in a place that nobody understands, not even you? So you dont even know what to do when you dont even know what is wrong?

I am sitting here crying.

I dont know what to do if anything or what to say.

I want to talk to B but dont know how, just feel if I talk it will upset him and he will isolate from me, and I dont want that either.

So instead I deal alone.

Me the person who always wants to fix problems and talk talk talks, now holds it inside in silence.

Because I dont know what Im feeling or why.

Its like this whole weekend its gotten worse, Im sensitive to whatever is lacking.

I put a face on, I cuddle up close, I just want so closeness and comfort.

I want some desire.

I lay there beside him, I curl up and he needs me to move cause he says its hurting his chest, I crawl on top of him to kiss him and Im hurting his sternum. I just go lay beside him,

I just lay there and he turns and gives me a brief snuggle then turns his back to me. Says goodnite, puts his glasses up and tears just pour out of my eyes and I try not to make a noise crying, because what if he hears, what can I say? Ummm “Hey why dont you hold and touch and want me more?”

God I feel so lost right now, I dont want to feel this way, he is not a bad guy, I know he loves me, yet for me these days its not good enough. Yet I keep trying.

I dont know who to talk to, I dont have anyone to call about this, I dont know……

I just wish I knew what to say or what is wrong or what to do about it, I dont want to react rashly to feelings, yet I dont know what,,,, I dont even know, I just dont know what I want…….. and Im in my own damn torment.