Down in the DUmps
Dear Diary,
I feel really cruddy today, I have lost all focus, I just want to cry, I cant stay with anything, I just want to talk to my guy and have things fixed and until they are so I dont feel right, nothing feels right. I feel ignored and put off, like hes avoiding me, which makes it worse.
It feels like rejection, its felt like rejection since last nite and the whole convo about meeting up this sat each of us driving halfway and him basically criticizing the whole thing and just breaking my heart.
I know he has AS, I know we dont see eye to eye and we think differently, Im hurt, Im angry and I want him to know hurt I am and to understand me. I dont feel he does. I feel in turn he just avoids me and there goes the vicious cycle, but then put him in another state and the ability to turn a phone off and on and Im just screwed.
Yesterday didnt help things being around my ex, the Post traumatic stress and triggers that flares up and how its about 10 yrs later and he still wants to attack me the way he does.
When I was in the hallway I was leaning against the wall, my legs began to shake I couldnt stand on them, the benches were taken and I just leaned against a wall, it got worse so I crouched down eventually sitting on the ground. My friend L was texting me the whole time with bible verses and support, each one I read made the tears well up in my eyes more. Just typing this is making me cry.
I feel attacked by my ex and I feel shunned and not cared for by my husband.
Not a good combo, in turn I just want to do NOTHING, I dont even want to deal with my kids. I go thru the motions, dinner, picked up one from school, did a load of laundry.
but other then that Im sitting at a computer staring at my cell phone. Yes I know I sound pathetic and this isnt how I typically operate. Right now Im just hurting a lot without my husband to hug and hold.
Missing my husband in the past and how he used to be my right hand man
Hes been off work 2 hrs, no answer, no text replies.
Past few nites hes either busy, not answering, calls me it seems on purpose when Im not free, and when I call back hes busy or last nite tired and ready to go to sleep. I feel put off, its pissing me off and it hurts.
This is tough enough for me.
ALl of this
Plain and simple, I want my husband very badly right now and have told him, asked for us to meet halfway this weekend and hes ripped me up and down saying its fiscally irresponsible and I dont give an F, put it on a damn credit card, Heck I will, its that important to me, dont you get it?
He doesnt it
And I feel like Im bleeding here crying and begging and being told no when Im in pain and being vulnerable, I dont say I NEED YOU very often.
I miss you, I want to see you, yes, but not this way I feel. I just want to run to his arms and so it feels doubly worse for me.
I wrote him a letter today but didnt send it, figured best I dont, so just sent it to myself.
Im so off kilter… I know a lot of it has to do with court yesterday with ex, but I feel so incredibly alone right now it hurts