Holiday Scars

Dear Diary,

Yeah Im in this weird mode over my family and my bday.

I just spoke to my girlfriend K about it.

It was good to just get it out I guess.

Not getting told Happy Bday by my mom when she called yesterday, just saying that my Dad wants to take us to eat. And I said I was already going to eat.

She never said something like “Okay well I will talk to you later, Happy birthday, we can do it another day” You know?

I think Mom is just retarted in expressing herself sometimes, so Im not too mad at her. I think she just assuemd since I will come over today to get oldest after school why make a trip to my place yesterday? Who knows.

Well Dad? He usually gives me a card and money, who knows, hes never not done it but I also confronted him recently and told him how much he hurt me and he lied to me and Ive stayed away from him since.

Im tired of going where he wants to go for my bday and our expected family ritual of Carrows. I didnt want to do that. So I opted out this time. And instead my brother is out with his kids and they all go to eat, no calls, no ask to come see me or come by, yeah Im hurt.

I just have this weird feel with my family and its with all this money to Help me this past year. I feel it from my Father and my Middle sister mainly. People saying they want to give me a gift or help me, and then I feel its held over my head. I dont like this feeling and I was telling my friend I dont want anymore money help, I dont want to even discuss needs Im having. Cause they just intervene without my asking, its like my Dad is telling me to go see his dr and put it on their bill. Yet he lectured B on the drive to Utah and then me at the house about how he cant keep giving me money??? WHEN I DONT FLIPPING ASK. So now I know I just cant accept supposed gifts.

Cause their are conditions and all. And my middle sis, well she and my big sis came out to buy the kids school clothes. ANd she left that trip, big sis said upset at all of us, but Im the only one not spoken to since the visit. She and my sister bought the kids clothes, and my sister even commented on how she doesnt spend that much on her own and that her kids were upset by it and she felt bad… and well u get the idea. They called me, they said they wanted to do this for the kids, and it makes me in some way feel like some Damn Charity case as of late like Im supposed to gush over them, I thank them, I teach the kids to say thank you.

And then it just feels weird. No I dont feel this from big sister.

Its just a strange feeling right now.

My family has done a lot and dont count me as ungrateful, its just that I feel like Ive been looked down on as the poor little one to help to make themselves feel better but then Im expected SOMETHING? WHich Im not sure what it is from them, like is it adoration? I dont know? I really dont know what they are all wanting, but Im just feeling very put off by it all.

HA! See you see how true it is that money can mess with people.

Now is one of those times where I wish I had my counselor, I want to make an aptt, but the guy I have now, I didnt like the feel at that session, I dont wanna go talk to him, so I know I need to basically call and ask to be reassigned and Im all worried about hurting the guys feelings! HA! Yeah….

Anyways…. my gf said if my mom gives me a gift tell her that I dont want it and to take it back and make better use or something. LOL I wont do that, i told her “My moms bday gifts usually come from the thrift shop” SHe was all UGHHHH, its just how my mom is, she has money but she buys cheap wall plaques with sayings and gives them as gifts.

But I at least feel acknowledged even though I usually donate them right back to charity.

So yeah, and I wanted Christmas at my home and its liek I was ignored and its the one year I offer to host and we havent ever done it as a family at my home.

Just everything around a holiday, feels yuck.

Why? I have too many of my own scars… so this stuff just makes it all hurt.