No Sex As Usual

Dear Diary,

Well its 9pm on Friday night, just send the kids off to bed. B passed out like 45 min ago. Sighhh. We were watching tv then I noticed his breathing and waved my hand in his face only to find hes gone. ::::Sigh:::: Okay so a girl could hope for some lovin right?

I was feeling very sexual today, just sexy. Its that my period is over I havent had sex in a week, plus I feel good physically, ate well, went to the gym, weighed myself to see Im back at my spot I was at at my lowest weight wise and happy about that. And I bought a new shirt yesterday that I wore today and just felt good you know? Ever just have a day where you feel sexy and good? And I just crawled on B twice after I got home and was all seductive and in angles he could see down my shirt, ohhh the usual stuff that doesnt stir that man up, so why do I still try such things/???? I dont know.

And its time like this where Cutie pops in my head, just because I long for some physical attention.

Anyways so here I am, its friday night, hes asleep, Im bored, its one of those eves its like “What to do?” Ive kept my house pretty clean all week, and I dont feel like cleaning further right now. Im bored of that.

I need some good damn sex is really what I need, I mean seriously. I just want to be naked and touching and enveloped.

This is those moments where I wonder to God if this relationship will work. Will it always be this way?

Not much to report this eve really. B got his Jeep back, oldest got his new glasses. And here we all are.

I laid there in bed next to B imaging telling him he has to move out.

No it doesnt mean that I will, just at times I wonder, Wonder what life would be like if I was no longer with him you know?

Anyways, my gym buddy sent me an email tonight and said T brought me an application from the Prison today! Woohoo and asked about dropping it by and when is good.

Ive mulled over the Police job. And talked to mom some the other night who didnt sound too supportive and think going away to an academy would be good. 🙁 I was feeling her out cause shes is the person whos help Id need.

I just cant leave my kids for 7 mos for someone else. If Mom cant help. I wont leave them with their father, my other option is hired help, but still, I dont think its wise. So ive told myself to wait if I want to try this until they are old enough to be home alone and that way they wont need constant supervision and I can have family looking in but not there non stop.

So Its time to rethink what to do.

I wonder what will happen at work, if I can hang in there if I get more duties, a pay increase and Lady C leaves.

I think about B moving out.

Okay so now Mr Comedy and Music Dude are both online messaging me. Music Dude is telling me “Man hearing this pisses me off Fuck that!” about the sex with B and I.

I told him its not even just sex, its feel desired, sexy, wanted, pawed at that I miss the most.

Yeah and by the way my girlfriend and her sis are planning to do something crazy as usual tomm nite, go to a club in Hollywood, ummm a master/slave themed place. Goth, etc.

Im nervous yet excited, Already thinking about wearing my black leathery boots and fishnets, B will freak I think tho seeing me dress that way and going to such a place, who knows. Its like dammit, I jsut wanna drink, dance and flirt.

I dont want have sex with another dude, but damn I just want to feel desirous again and recharged…..