Fear of Change

Dear Diary,

Well I went by the school this AM and picked up the Application and told them he would start this Monday. The school is already 3 weeks in, so its not too far off from the rest at least. I just wanted my son to have the end of the week, to be prepared, to say goodbye, as he has been at this other school going on Year 3 now it would have been so he has friends there.

I said to him this AM “Remember your old school? Want to go by there and visit?” Hes all “Yeah” I said “Would you like to go back there?” He said “No, I like my new school” So I told him “Well you will be going back there hun” He asked why, and I told him how the schools scores just arent doing that well for teaching, as he has heard me discuss this among adults, and explained that his brother would finish out his last year there and be going to a new school that does have higher scores this next year. But that we would be switching youngest soon. He said “Okay” and kept eating his cereal, I reminded him of which kids are there, and he has family there(His fathers aunts daughter) LOL got that? they pretty much view eachother like cousins.

And my girlfriends daughter who hes known a long time, and then his old classmates that are still there.

He said “Mom? What about the after school program? They dont have that?” I said “They Have Mrs O” Hes all OH YEAH! She does it and this was his teacher he had for kindergarten who he loves and he was just excited at the thought of seeing her and that was okay by him. He actually started to get excited, remember things he did there, I also told him he wouldnt be on a track anymore, its traditional, and that he and his brother will be in sync with that next year since he goes to Jr High.

So he was really receptive, whew! Thank God.

Now I have to say, this is awesome, but its also freaking me out, I spoke to one of my long time friends here this AM some about it. Im scared.

This is a Commitment, this is real. This is B and I committing to share in my childs education for a year and making payments together.

I was actually starting to freak yesterday and considering backing out.

But I guess my reasons to back out would be “What if B and I dont work out? What if we dont stay together?” Well what if what if what if! I have to stop letting fears rule me. ANd just go forward, this is for something important, and reminding myself this is for my child, B came to me this AM and croched down beside the bed in the dark and said “Vicky, Im okay with the school thing, I mean think about it, even if you paid all the cost for it, it wouldnt really hurt you, it wouldnt put us in a bind financially as the m oney you are saving not having to pay the full mortgage is enough to cover his tuition, so I dont see any problem with this. And your youngest is a bright kid, he reminds me of myself, hes a good kid, but he needs to be guided in the right direction, he needs the challange, and you and I both know what potential is also there with his father, he needs every good chance he can get”

If people dont get what he means, my concern with my children is their education, getting these kids through school, graduating, careers, college, but that they stay commited, do well, have a good solid ground work, their father was an ADD Hyper Active kid medicated on Ritalin most of his life, had a horrible education, swapped schools, dropped out, limited math and reading/vocab skills. I urged him to go back to finish high school for years, hes very insecure about this, with me I could help fill out things and write papers, then with computers and cheat sheets, he could use calculators and spell checkers. Granted I think my ex is improved, but it eats at him and makes him feel less than but he wouldnt do anything about it.

He has not taken an interest in the childrens education, he has not been apart of their homework or schooling. He had the kids not long ago on a weekend and my oldest had math and my ex couldnt even help him with it, he had to get his roomate.

He also is just not the best example of hard working, taking care of ones family, responsibilities, discipline, etc.

My oldest child has a lot of my nature, my demeanor, more my side of the family, hes not really a follower, hes sensitive, he works well alone, can play well alone, prefers tv and drawing and books, hes social at school but gets along with all and doesnt really cling to one person as a friend. He has a good conscience, feels guilt, I rarely have to really discipline him, I raise my voice and hes in tears.

My youngest? Hes impulsive, high energy, hes very smart and does well in school, but his attitude is his problem. He seems to think hes right and everyone else is wrong, gets angry when he gets in trouble or loses a privilege, wants instant gratification without considering consequences, loves sports, seems to buddy up often with kids and follow what they are doing. He can be cocky. Hes not very disciplined and has a hard time staying on task if not supervised.

My big sister told me he was ADD, I didnt think so, and even if he was I have my own thoughts on medicating children and ADD and all that, Id go every other route out there to deal with it, she kept telling me to get him in and get him meds. Well I took him in and the guy sat with me for an hour and said HES NOT ADD. He just said I have a very strong willed, high energy child, who needs that energy channeled.

And he is, hes a hard worker, hes all about making money now and doing chores, hes already hooked up with my mom to clean her house and has spoke to my sister about hers too. He wants to mow lawns and asks me when he will be old enough to start going around and doing that. He has high aspirations, yes his thing right now is he walks around saying he wants to be a lawyer, and tells me he will buy me a beach house. I let him talk, I let him dream, I let him have high goals for himself, I let him go in whatever direction, ive walked him around the college campus, hes asked me how college works, about jobs, about how much they pay, these things really interest him.

He idolizes his father, he thinks hes the coolest thing, and what child I guess doesnt in some form. I dont know when it will catch up to him or if it ever will, that his father lies, tells stories, because he believes him. We sat down last night and I asked the kids if Dad was still drinking beer. Youngest said “Oh NOOOOOOO Mom, he hasnt drank any beer since he got back from camp” Oldest said “Yes he has” Youngest says “Nu uh! He doesnt and hasnt since he got back, he told me” Wasnt sure if it was appropriate, but I said “Hun thats not true, he called me and was at the fair the same night as mommy drunk”

He just kinda sat there.

My oldest said he wanted to talk to me alone and had something private, next thing my youngest tells me that my ex told the kids that I should destory and break the clock in our living room.

Oldest said “Thats what I wanted to tell you Mom” The clock was a wedding gift, and it says The **** Family established 1993. Its a nice old fashioned wooden clock with a glass front that opens, very pretty, exs aunt and uncle gave it to us. Ive just not taken it down. I think about it and have spoke about how I should. So the kids and I talked about it, they agreed its a nice clock, but we talked about how we could put something over it, where the words are on the glasss, something decorative. They said that sounded good, but I dont want to destroy, then they said “Dad said you should get rid of it like everything else you got rid of of his” I asked what they meant? And reminded them of me and Grandma loading up all his stuff and how he came to pick it up. I think the kids thought I threw his stuff away or something?

They mentioned photographs, I didnt throw any away, Ive got them all, I didnt give ex his, as I did creative memories and was the keeper of such things and hes never asked for them and to be honest I would play stupid if he asked probably. Hed loose them or destroy them, thats why his Mom gave things to me because she knew Id preserve them, and I want them for the kids and to pass down to them. Their Dad would trash them.

I asked them about the garage they are staying in, they said they sleep on the floor, that there is carpet put down, its not a converted garage as they said its got locks on the latches.

We sat and talked quite a bit, the kids asked about when I was pregnant, then my youngest said with B in the room “Mom? Where were you when you got pregnant?” I just started laughing, which he started laughing and we were all laughing. As they dont get the whole birds and the bees yet, I said Ummm, I was at home honey” He kept laughing, he didnt know why exactly, he just knew that what he said made everyone laugh.

Yeah I need to have those talks with my kids.

We had a nice eve as I sat with them on the couch and cuddled and just talked.

B came in and eventually sat with us and did some yoga stretches on the floor and my little one was trying every move along with him.

Things are changing around here you know?

And thats what is freaking me out, I feel undeserving, not used to this, I didnt think this would happen, I really thought B and I would break up, that he didnt want this lifestyle. And wow, here we are.

As my friend here said “I think B will surprise you”

B did not have a father, B doesnt have kids nor has he been married before, so hes totally learning this himself, and I have to say Im proud of him and impressed with how hes stepped up to the plate. We went to Costco last night and hes telling us to get more things, asking us what we want, and it felt very awkward as I got what I needed, and he was telling us to go down the snack isle, and I just could not do it, I couldnt pick anything, i didnt want him to spend more $$$. It just felt weird, and he wants to do this, and Im just having a hard time sometimes accepting.

I cried this AM.

Alone that is.

Just because these feelings are overwhelming at times.

After all Ive been through, my former way of life, a wife, mother, married, stay at home mom, divorce, working single mom, carrying a load alone, no or little support from their father, and now letting a man back into my world, a man who wants to help and provide for all of us.

Yeah its feaking me out, we went to the freezer last night to get ice cream after the kids went to bed and he said “Here you go Mrs. ######” referring to me by his last name.

We arent going to be so poor around here anymore, my child will go back to private school!

Oh and I did ask, actually there are 12 kids in the 3rd grade, its a combo class, but its broken off the first part of the day 8-noon the 3rd graders have separate class time with a teacher, then after lunch they are combined with the first and second graders(theres about 4 kids in each of those grades) So he will actually be in class with his relative too, who adores him, ah he will be just fine getting re introduced, the kids will be surprised to see him!

So Ive got paperwork to fill out, some clothes to purchase, and I have to schedule a physical for him.

The school starts at 8am, oldest starts at 8:20 so it works out perfect as they are both near one another and on the way and wont interfere with the time I go into work. The private school gets out at 2 though on fridays, Im going to tell work I have to get off early and change my fridays though, other then that Ill work my regular hours, just take off an hour and a half early on fridays and miss that pay, but no big deal.

I feel so poor right now! LOL I am reminded of Adored, B has all this money, Im in the negative already waiting for the next pay day! EEEEEEEEE! Ill have to pull from my shower job savings account to put my half of the money down for the school since I dont get paid for another week.

The guy was there this AM, they were attaching a piece to the pipe this AM and have to let it dry, then the next thing will be to put the trap in.

Another thing my friend was saying this AM is just when you dont have nice things or good things happening and they start happening you feel undeserving, and thats when those time of self sabotage and fear start to flood my mind.

I was driving the kids to school and there was Cute Gym Guys grandma and Aunt. They actually go the very church that the school is a part of. So I may run into them again some point down the line, sweet ladies.

And I think of Cute Gym Guy, how he said nobody has really ever had any faith in him and I told I was proud of him and think hes doing great, and that he is a good guy. Hes all “Thanks, do you really?”

I feel for him, that nurturing rescue, bad boy attraction thing tries to flare up.

And I have to just keep reminding myself of that, hes a lot of work that boy.

And I cant be his savior.

He has to do that himself. He was talking about his life and not having a direction or meaning, he feels inadequate, hes frustrated by limitations and all, he said he just cleans his place, works on his truck, just because he has to do something, but he doesnt really have a goal or purpose.

Anyways, its still weird, he was at the concert, you know what is even more wierd? MY Ex husband was at the fair that night drunk and called me, I go with B and watch the concert, and Cute Gym Guy is in the bleachers behind us watching me.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Somedays I really wish I could move from this city. But thats just not feasible at this time.