No Enabling

Dear Diary,

Well I really could use the gym today, havent really had a decent work out since last Thursday. I went Mon and realized I was missing one of my shoes in my bag, so I was ticked cause I couldnt do Cardio in flip flops!

So I just did arms and left, well Mom called yesterday and found my shoe! I was baffled as to where it went and going nuts. Turns out the day I borrowed her truck(Now I remember taking my gym stuff out of my Jeep at the mechanic and putting it behind her seat) It must have falled out then. SO YAY I have my favorite comfy Nikes back! I thought I was going to have to go shoe shopping, and I love these ones, they were a great deal I got at Costco awhile back.

Thanks for the comment. I may sound harsh as far as the sister stuff, I just have to let it out. And here is where I do that.

I told her that it sounds like depression( I did know that much ) But its like what can you do? She pops her anti depressants, wont go to therapy, went once and told us her therapist said she is “FINE” :::Cough Cough::: Bullshit!

I think you can always use therapy, or you can use it at different times, but going just a couple times? I disagree with, remember how long it takes us to get all messed up and crap we have lived through or bad marriages? Our one group therapist said it can take about half the time it took you to get somewhere to undo all the crap. And I can see that for myself. Im still undoing and re learning things and dealing with past patterns and triggers.

Granted sometimes I go less. I didnt go for about 3 months. Then when I felt the need I called up and went back in.

Can you tell Im a big advocate for counseling? 🙂

Only because its what helped me get out of the freakin hole I lived in! And it wasnt until I found a decent one also. All the pastor counseling and the christian therapist were garbage(okay except one pastor, the one with his wife) But still they were not there to deal with what was going on like a therapist and Domestic Violence outreach group and therapist could do.

So Its like My sister is depressed, up and down mood wise, on meds with no therapy, one week saying how great and fine life is, the next its the total opposite, then the next its repeat.

I usually get quiet, and now Im not so quiet and am questioning her on things. Its like the other day when she complained of lack of motivation but wanted MY HELP, MY ADVICE, she ASKED ME and called me specifically for it.

I told her what worked for me, she just kept wanting to say excuses of why she didnt want to. And I reminded her a therapist and some books helped me with that.

I have to hold onto my own self protection here, regardless of a persons scenario it doesnt give them the right to do harmful things to other. Or to do things that can mess with my own emotional well being. And my therapist, my bosses wife( who i consider a mentor) My middle sister, my good girlfriend, all have said that what my sister did was Betrayal. That my ex is my ex and its understood that hes messed up and hes being himself. But the fact that my sister went and went out with him in the midst of our bonding and supporting one another, is just not cool.

I dont hate her, I havent written her off. Im just wary. I dont trust her like I did. I dont want to talk about the probs the ex and I had in the marriage any longer. I dont want to talk about relationship stuff with B. Im more guarded now as I dont trust her very much at this time.

My big sister told me No and that she didnt help when I offered on weekends to come out.She told my middle sister “No the phone is fine” when my middle sister tried to come over. But her husbands brother is over their daily and my ex can just pop in and she will drive 90 miles to go to a bar with him?

Yucky if you ask me. Just because a person is going through a hard time doesnt mean we have to eat it and say nothing about their actions. Thats enabling.

And believe me, Ive played the role, we all do it,

Something I read…

Am I an Enabler?

What is the difference between helping and enabling?
We need to look deep inside ourselves to determine the difference between helping and enabling. “How do I feel when I offer my help? What’s in it for me?” Checking your motives will help you decide when you are truly helping or when you are enabling.

Can you enable an addict (or anyone) who is not using?
We can enable anyone, using or not. Our enabling behavior patterns are not directed solely toward the addict. Enabling deprives anyone of experiencing the consequences of their own behavior.

Remember, when taking responsibility for our own behavior each one of us must find our own path. Experience teaches us that it is useless to lay out a path for someone else to follow. We must each make our own way to our goal.

With these things in mind, try to think of any particular person you have come across in your game play who has seemed unhappy in life or who you knew had exceptionally difficult lives.

How did you relate to them?

Did you encourage their time within the game?

I get into this each time I try and help a friend. At first theres the feeling where you just want to jump in there and tell them how to get out of something, and your ready to run to the rescue. Then you realize its not that simple. The person has to do things in their own time.

But examples for me would be.

My girlfriend D. Granted her marriage was pretty crappy and her husband is a controlling abuser. Hes done some pretty sneaky crap and hes witheld her children from her.

I agree thats bullshit.

But I also know that D has lived very well with a lot of money and had whatever she wanted. A man took care of her financial needs. Now she is learning how to handle money, pay bills, etc. And she asked about moving in with me. I want to help her, yet see how flighty she is and the back and forth feelings,a nd the new boyfriend and her 3 kids, and opted against her coming to stay with me. Realizing she also makes more money a month now then I do at her job, and she can afford an apartment, etc if need be. And she went through a period of trying to pawn her kids off on me for babysitting. I did it once when I urged her to go see a dr and get the bruises documented from her husband and her’s fight the day prior. Well she did go to the dr but then called her boyfriend and hung out with him, meanwhile Im waiting on a school night with her 3 kids and my 2. I wanted to go home and she used me, didnt call to see if it was okay, just did her own thing on my time. To me that wasnt cool, but I learned once and didnt let her do it to me again.

I love D dearly.

But there are just certain things I wont do anymore, I can offer to do things, but I dont have to do them. And it doesnt make okay for a person in a rough time to abuse or take advantage of me.

And I think the biggest area I learned that in was with my MIL. The queen of codependency and guilt trips.

Even in my relationship with B, the fact that I hung in there through all those episodes of neglect and made excuses or told myself to accept it, well I needed to put my foot down, which I finally did. Took me long enough though! And look what happened as a result?

Well Im gonna scoot for now…. Laterrrrrrrrrr