Reflecting & Stupid

Dear Diary,

Its Midnight. I missed the last Friends episode, forgot about it and I havent really been following it anyways.

I really only remember watching two TV Shows I was really into and seeing the final episodes….

Little House on the Prairie and Beverly Hills 90210, haha,

Beverly Hills 90210 was the last show I followed heavily.

I guess now Id say my biggest tv show following is Real World.

So Im up, Music Dude is messaging me, he said “Marry Me, are you ready yet?” And I laughed and said “No, but Ive contemplated it” Hes house hunting right now and all.

Ive been on the Dr. Laura kick as of late, just some things said at times that just hit me and really make me think.

She keeps talking about FEELINGS, how people want out of relationships, namely marriage speaking because they dont FEEL happy. Granted we all want to feel Happy, but she speaks about marriage being a commitment and not a FEELING.

Its more in depth then what Im typing but its really registering with me, And I do recall some of this in some church sermons or so, about what is at the deep core of a person? Because love will fade at times, the good feelings, the good looking bodies, etc, what is left?

What is the deeper thing beneath all of it?

And I hear women calling in and complaining and Dr, Laura cutting to the chase with them, she was talking about how women just tend to sound so unhappy that are calling in and complaining, how we women complain a lot more and find a lot of fault in things.

And she talks a lot about finding that inner peace with yourself.

Just makes me think about things, about how I can so easily focus on a negative quality or thing that happens and zero in on that very thing, instead of looking at all the good things next to it.

But then she said something to this caller about the men shes chosen and the pattern, how she was ultimately the one with control issues, She choose men who were “Beneath” her or whatever the word was, because that way she felt stronger still and in control.

Just a lot of interesting things. She asked the woman about the Men who are “Healthy” and she said those men scare her. So she told her to go and track down one of those guys who scared her and give it a try.

Anyways, its just my life, I talked to my Gym Buddy about it a little bit today, about career, income, etc, wanting to do something different and making more $$$$.

Im restless right now.

But then again Ive lived in drama for so long, when things are just day to day and “Boring” well it doesnt feel right or something, because Im so used to having something going.

Here Ive got Music Dude saying “Marry Me”

Ive got Cute Gym Guy who just is so sweet at the gym and smiles at me and would be here in a heartbeat if I just said the word and would be cool to my kids, but cant get it up in the bedroom and cant provide really financially for a family and hes got some emotional problems and immaturity.

And there is B, the man I love and adore but am scared we are just so different sometimes that we are trying to fit two puzzle pieces together that just dont work. I havent given up hope on the relationship, but I do have my concerns. But its settling down into a different set of my feelings of concern, Im able to express it now to him and we are talking a lot better about such things.

My ex called me today, I guess there was a shooting and our friend T whos an officer was called out on it, Domestic Violence call just around the corner from my house, the couple was separated and he came and stabbed the wife and was walking around with a butcher knife and he threatened the cops and was shot and killed. I guess they used a tazer on him and it didnt work.

So my ex just wanted to tell me that today, was kinda weird.

I try to think at times of what life would be like if he and I were still together. And I just cant make that one work in my head. I just cant see myself being okay with him again. Hes much more of a mess now then he was when I was with him, I couldnt go back to living that kind of a life.

I bought Sarah McLachlans album Afterglow today..

D had it and the songs on it really hit home with her, being a neglected wife for 12 yrs of marriage, and then falling in love with the gardener who opened up her life, but also her world as she knew crashed down on her, she lost her world, and so I can see how so much of these songs relate to her, the album is awesome, and I also relate to them going through that period of my life, I blamed and felt guilt and all of that, I was so hard on myself.

Then there is the song “Stupid” and it reminds me partially of Cute Gym Guy…

Its a good album for the ladies,,, 🙂

STUPID – Sarah McLachlahn

Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it’s all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you’re no good for me
but you’re the only one I see

Love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you’re gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you’re no good for me
but you’re the only one I see

Everything changes
everything falls apart
can’t stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you’re no good for me
but you’re the only one I see

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