Friendships Change

Dear Diary,

Morning.

Its raining today.

I still havent worked on my class assignment, so tonight I have to focus and sit and work on it.

The alone time without the kids flys by so fast. My house needs to be cleaned but I end up on the computer, phone, running errands until Im ready to just fall asleep and start over another day.

I talked to both guys last night.

B wants to help me work through my feelings, shares how he went through this in his past, being hung up or pining over someone when in reality it wasnt there.

Gym Guy just pours his heart out and tells me he wants me in his life, how he cant stop thinking about me. He came by after the gym yesterday for a brief time, I wanted to just sit face to face with him and talk, and he just was practically crying, first time Ive seen this, he was wiping his eyes, talking about his life, how he avoided women, and how special I am. Yeah thats the best way to put it, he makes me feel freakin special, like the world.

Hes chilled out some, he told me he went wrong before trying to demand of me or hold onto tight, that he knew better and it drove me away.

As much as it would have been nice to hang out with him, go have dinner(he asked) I said No and hugged him, he kissed the top of my hand as he left. I told him I need time, and even if I were to decide B and I were over, that running to him is not the right idea either.

How on earth do I end up in situations like this>??????????

B wanted to know last night, am I done? Do I want to walk away?

I told him I feel bad or guilty for having thoughts of feelings towards Gym Guy, he said that is okay, dont beat myself over the head, that he will be with me to walk through this, but only if I want to try and hang in there with him.

Anyways, onto other stuff, get so tired at times at dwelling in it all and trying to figure it out.

Between all this making plans for our trip to Nashville.

B even said he could try and move out to my area within a month or so, as he will get a tax refund so he will have money to put down on a place.

And how do I feel about that, its a little scary.

Ok ok, so onto other stuff as I said.

Was reading Adored and her friend issue. And remembering how I went through this with my “Best Friend” The person I was with almost daily, on the phone with nightly, went to church with, we were seen together everywhere, she was in my wedding, threw my baby showers.

She was there the night I met my ex husband and walked through our relationship with us, as she was hurt at first because she had less time with me now that I had a boyfriend, but we adjusted later on.

We had a conflict later on, when I was married and me and my ex set her up on a date with his supervisor.

It involved a lot of legalism, the way our church operated, the controlling aspect and how people should conduct themselves. And a lot of things went south between us at this time. I had to stop talking to her, I didnt write her off or any of that, I just didnt agree with what she was doing(looking back I think it was silly) but at the time my pastor preached this is how you handle such things.

Well we did talk some, but it just fizzled out, and next thing you know, I get word from my Mom that she got a wedding invite, I ran to my mailbox all week.

I was not invited, I felt her inviting my MOM was just mean. Here was my best friend for years, the one who brought me into Christianity and church, the one who was in my wedding, and me and my ex husband introduced these 2 and set them up to go out, now they are getting married, and she excludes us but invites my MOM? It wasnt like she had some super bond with my Mom either by the way, but that was just nasty and mean if you ask me. I was really hurt by it. Our other mutual gal pal flew in from Wa and was in the Wedding and another from GA, my whole church youth group circle. They told me they were all shocked I was not in the wedding, let alone not invited. MAN IN HURT! I Cried more then you can even imagine.

And they picked up and moved to Co. I sent her a card once, a brief one with an apology and how I missed her, in return I got a huge letter back, PAGES, I could only read the first page, and I cried, I had my ex throw it in the fireplace. It was angry, spewing blame, it was old crap, and I saw she was not willing to talk she was bitter.

3 yrs later, a week before ex and I moved into our new house and changed our phone number, she called. I was all Hello???

We talked for about an hour, nothing was said about the past, we just went forward, it was strange, but good. Time heals perhaps? I dont know, she said she wasnt even really sure why she was calling me.

We are friends now, we dont talk a whole lot though this past year, but we have. Ive seen her on her visits out here the past few times.

She now has a second child.

When I was going through divorce stuff with ex she tried to tell me I was wrong and my reason for divorce was wrong, etc etc.

I just stood up to her, said I know you dont understand, but this is what I have to do. That quieted her pretty much.

But Ive had numerous conversations, the one about her claiming how lucky she is and her husband that they are saved and “The Chosen Ones” and this bragging attitude and there belief in how they were fortunately predestined to heaven and too bad for others.

I guess what Im trying to write is,,, 3 yrs later we resumed contact, we are speaking again, its different now, we have grown, our lives took different paths, people change.

I honestly see a marriage of heartache in her situation, from the bits of info and what I have observed. Her husband cant hold a job, is flighty, her parents help support them, hes controlling, she made some comment of him being manic depressive once. How she wanted to go to her Grandmas with her son to get away for a break and he wont let her leave the house with the child. Told her she can go, but if she goes shes abandoning their child, you know that manipulative crap.

I feel there may come a day when I get that call.

Unless the guy gets some help. But the contact has been zero almost this last year. I got a birth announcement and I never knew she was even pregnant.

Things change, a lot of my friendships have changed.

I have friends I keep in contact with, probably not as much as I should. I think it goes in cycles, as my gal pal in Wa is really pushing contact with me lately, then she can go through years of just Christmas cards. I used to chase her down and try to make contact and none in return, now shes all uppity about me not making enough contact.

I havent talked to my gal pal D since that day she asked about staying with me.

I thought long and hard about it, talked to B about it, and came to the conclusion… She makes MORE money then I do, and gets partial support. She can find a place in the meantime herself and pay for it, she is not in dire straights, shes just lived too spoiled and lived above her means. Shes gotta wake up to the reality of her world now.

My oldest called last night, left a brief message saying “I love you, mom want to buy a rabbit from #%$#$?”

It was the couple I just ran into and asked if his wife was pregnant when she wasnt. No I dont want to buy a rabbit.

I am afraid to answer, I need to though, I just dont want to have contact with my ex. Im in this avoidant mode with him as of late.

Well enough for now