Weekend

Morning,

Ahh I feel so strange. I just feel WIERD. Not in a bad sense, not in a happy sense. More of an adjustment strange feeling.

With B coming out so much now, I have moments of claustraphobia feelings.

I pulled out my book last night “Hes Scared, Shes Scared” as I stopped reading as of late and had the last few chapters to go. And thats where I read the description of my feelings. Claustrophobic.

Its not that B is doing anything, its a feeling I HAVE.

Im not used to having someone around this much. He was there with me from Friday night till this AM. We had a 3 day weekend together.

And yesterday I was feeling it was too much.

I begin to feel strange, afraid, uncomfortable. Like doing my own thing, I feel guilty, like he might be upset at me if I am.

Once again, B does not express upset and is cool, but inside I still feel it. I still struggle with this baggage crap from the relationship to my ex. Its so hard to shake.

I sold some things on ebay, so Ive been busy with that, and I feel I have to entertain, occupy him, I go to check and see if hes okay if Im doing something on my own. And I hate feeling this way. He keeps reassuring me its okay, but I cant help but still wonder. If hes quiet I wonder, if he comes in and says Hello in passing Inside I think “He wants me to spend time with him” and I just drive myself nuts and cannot relax. It is a scary feeling, I do not like feeling this way and this will be something that I will have to work through if I ever want to get serious with B(move in together) or even another partner down the road. As I know I felt some of this in the short time of dating Gym Guy.

I had no idea how much I struggled with this, none at all. When I met my ex husband I didnt go into that relationship with this type of baggage, I was a clean slate, pure, naive, and in some ways it was nice to just grow with a person and form things together. But then again I only saw what it was like in that world, those were my training wheels to a relationship and marriage. And they werent the best set of wheels to train I tell ya! But for me it was normal.

It will take some real effort on my part to work through this stuff. I can see that now. I feel panicy at times. I dont tell B, cause it usually passes, and its a momentary feel, an irrational thought motivated by fears of WHAT IF or comparing to my ex, I have to keep reminding myself of the here and now. Thats why I pulled the book out last night, and it calmed me down. I went to get us In N Out last night, B said to go ahead, the kids were next door playing and that way I didnt have to round us all up to go and get food. So i went, and I felt like just driving to my Moms, like I could not breathe, like I got OUT.

I have so many Triggers its not even funny. I did not realize how bad it is. Now Im aware, and its scary even being aware, because Im tired of being enslaved to my old way of life, I want to shake and not hold it up to B repeatedly and compare.

And then the thoughts of nice moments with Gym Guy still flood my mind. This is really the first guy I think since B I felt close too, not that I didnt know or go out with other men briefly, but with Gym Guy I got close, and I miss things about him, other people I was just turned off and in a way it felt easy to walk away from them, but on the other hand, Gym Guy is close and someone I see often, others lived out of town.

B and I saw “In America” Saturday. Independent film, very good, made me cry. B liked it also. I recommend it, a Family coming to the US from Ireland, living in a drug addict building with their 2 children, and they lost a son to cancer I believe it was, so dealing with the death of a child, starting over a new life, etc etc, it was really good and the 2 child actors were so awesome.

B and I then headed out of town for dinner. We went to our fave restaraunt and had a nice kick back time. I realized as he and I sat there when we last ate there was before Christmas, when we met, it was really the first time to be around him much at all since the breakup and how he gave me a card at the table across from where we sat.

It was the night I drove to his place and he gave me my Christmas gifts and I spent the night in his bed. We did not kiss, we did not get intimate, just hugging because I had strong feelings and was dating Gym Guy.

B had told me that night as I slept he kept waking up and just looking at me sleeping next to him. How he kept saying “Wow, shes here” to himself.

So On friday night when B arrived he handed me a card, it was a day early, but it was so cute. It was humorous but so perfect. And he got me those Hallmark bears that have magnet in their noses and kiss and her cheeks light up on the girl bear. It was something simple but so very sweet. I didnt expect much, we were going to dinner and I was happy with that as we are working through spending holidays together and he is changing the way it was also. He is making effort. I just hugged and kissed him.

We went out for Thai food Friday night and picked up some wine, we took it all home, and by the time I was done eating I was kissing him on the neck, I ran to the bedroom, pulled out this red lingerie I have and called him to the bedroom.
:)~

Sunday we headed out early, hit up a few stores and Starbucks for coffee then went to a swap meet. I was shocked at how big it was for being out here. But a lot of junk and stuff I was interested in they wanted too much for. Id pay about a $4 for something and theyd want $5 to $10 when in fact it was ridiculous.

The cost of a space there is really cheap. Heck it costs more to run an add in the paper for a yard sale! And I want to clean out some stuff in my garage so bad. Ahhhh, B just said to make a lot of signs, I need to plan to do that VERY Soon. Im anxious to have my garage back.

I spent about $5 there and got a few small toy items. We then went out to a few antique shops but there wasnt anything good, got home and made dinner before going to pick up the kids from visiting their Dad.

B and I got there before Ex, hes been late the past 2 times, and so B and I sat talking to my Mom, kids finally arrived and my oldest walks in and just walks over to me, all sad looking and just sits down and hugs me, I asked him if he was okay. He said yes.

I asked him again, he just said he was hungry. I asked the kids if they ate dinner, they said no. I asked them when they last ate, they said they ate granola bars for lunch as their Dad was too busy(busy what I dont know) So my mom took the kids in the kitchen and had some left over pizza she fed them both. My oldest gets irritable like myself (low blood sugar) so I know thats why he looked bad, and he said he had a headache too.

So as we drove the kids home he had his head in his hands, I gave him tylenol when we got in and he went to lay down. He soon perked up though, I knew it was because he really just needed to eat.

Dad bought them some new clothes and shoes ( thank God! ) The kids said they went and saw that 100 first dates or whatever the title is, just stuff I dont take my little ones too, but there Dad never cares what film he takes them too. I didnt hear anything but I didnt pry either if there was a girl around, typically when he gets them new clothes is when hes trying to impress a woman, Ive learned that one by now. He wants the kids to look all nice, name brand clothes and all.

Monday we didnt do much, just hung around the house, the kids played with the neighbor part of the day, then later B went and supervised the kids playing Battleship as my little one yells and says his brother is cheating if he sinks his ship. B was telling him to knock it off, and little one was being his usual stubborn self. So B ended up playing the next game with little one and all. He walked in the kitchen and said how he tried to teach little one to play properly, and how stubborn little one was and would refuse to listen to B but do everything else but his suggestions. Yep, sounds like him!

The oldest wanted his head shaved pretty short so I did that yesterday also.

B and I watched Couples Fear Factor, we have been following it since the start, the couple that won were really cute and sweet to eachother also.

Then we laid in bed reading the book about Commitment phobe stuff together.

Hes really laid back, I get ancy and all. I have a hard time relaxing for long periods of time just laying down. So I think that is where I struggle. I find it relaxing house cleaning or working on stuff, and my mind is a constant go go go. Especially maintaining a house and kids, etc.

One of my pet rats hasnt been looking good for the past few weeks. I had both rats caged together but one night the grey one was squeaking, I thought she got hurt but couldnt tell where, but then she calmed down. So for a few weeks Ive kept them in separate cages, Ive notice she is more frail and all. So yesterday she didnt move much and she began bleeding out her you know what.

🙁

Rats life span is short, and we have had her just over 2 yrs. So I told the kids I dont think she is going to live much longer, that for a rat she is old.
She was my first rat after ex leaving, and I got her with the tax refund, cage and all her stuff and I used to hold her a lot as a baby, she has always been my sweet rat. So i took her out last night, wrapped her in a towel and held her in bed on my chest just rubbing her head and behind her ears. Ahhh she was so cute. I knew she was gonna die.

This AM oldest woke me up and told me she was gone. 🙁

So thats 2 pets dying in the past month.

Well enough for now…