Im Lying?

Dear Diary,

I phoned gym guy this AM. To say Hello, and asked how he was doing. He said “Not so good”

He told me basically that I was lying and sneaking around seeing my Ex boyfriend. That last night I told him on the phone “We are not boyfriend and girlfriend” and he said “Well I kinda thought we were”


I just told him Christmas Eve I was not ready for that and I could not be that?

He just kept saying Im lying and he doesnt want to date me if Im dating others.

I said “Okay” and didnt argue it or go on and on. Then when I was quiet hed say “Well your silence isnt a good thing either”

I said “Well I dont really know what to say, you dont want to hear me, you want to tell me Im lying, your gonna think what you want to think”

He told me we can be friends, I said Cool.

He then started saying how Im lying AGAIN?? I said “Look, Im not gonna keep listening to this, I need to go” and hes all “Okay call me later?”


I have since learned with D, I dont think he is really going AWAY and doesnt want to see me anymore. I think hes trying to get his way, and when it doesnt work, he backs down and ignores what he just said himself. But we shall see I guess.

Yes I did not talk to the men about eachother much, didnt feel it was appropriate, it wasnt about lying though as Im not obligated to either. Ive opened up to Ex BF and told him about seeing the guy and all of that. And I told Gym Dude from the get go that Ex BF will be in my life.

Like if I mention we spoke via email, or anything hes all “OHHH now you tell me”

Im like “I said it up front, I didnt know i had to tell you each and every time??”

And thats why Im lying?


Ex BF told me “Hes lying to himself and hes getting upset at you for his own thinking, hes thinking things are more then they are and then blaming you when it isnt so, when hes at fault”

I said Ex BF some old entries I wrote this past year, some days where I was terribly hurt, thinking of breaking up, etc. He got them today and called me and just apologized and said how ashamed he is. How its hard to read.

Anyways, just some various email from him today I wanted to save…..

(His first email this AM)

Good morning.

Man it was freezing this AM . I so didnt want to get out of bed.Lucky i have this warm robe someone got for me =0).It really is a good thing.

Ya sleep ok?

****** got in from her honeymoon this weekend.She sent me an email telling me about how much fun she had. Im all jealous. She went innertubing on a river in Belize through Caves n stuff. That sounds so cool. Snorkeling etc. She said it was wonderful. ITs funny to see her all bubbly and happy. Its nice.

HA HA you are so cute. THank you for the call. Its nice to hear your voice. =0). You are “cool” too ya know.Ya ever notice sometimes how hard it is to put feelings into words. They just dont do justice sometimes. It was so nice to dance with you last night and try to sing songs that I dont know.Id be willing to try again sometime if you would.Was just nice.Everything was nice. Its all so weird at times i am sure but…shrug> it is still nice. K I will =0X.

Well I have to grab some more files. Hope that your day goes wonderfully.


(This email was in response to me commenting on how my life is right now.)

In some ways yes it does make sense

It is a little open ended so I guess I write some things into it myself but it makes sense.

So here goes…..

There is alot of chaos going on,conflict, stryfe and typically in the past this is not”Okay” You are ok, are kind of at peace despite the tempest and you feel odd about it. Like somehow something shouldnt be ok.

You are wondering where you are in all of this. how it all fits together. Its a bit confusing and you have things to figure out.

Am i too far off?

If so then I guess I dont really understand what you were trying to say.Just know that not everything has be be known right now.All the answers dont have to be there at this moment. There is time.=0)

Just know you are my dear friend and I love you. Things will work themselves out how they will.The rest… it will all be ok in the end somehow.


(these emails were in response to the entries Ive written in the past where I was hurting)

got it.

Ouch. It is hard to read that. It hits home in a hard way. Its funny how at times I can be so unaware of how I impact you.Im sorry.

I know that isnt why you sent that but still. Im sorry.

Thank you for sharing that.

It might not have had as great an effect at the time. It might have I dont know.I am not there.

I can just say thank you for sharing that with me.It shows me how far I had fallen.IT also shows me what a huge thing I am asking of you now.Kind of daunting to be honest. looking at a reflection of yourself isnt easy but I have to see it. I have to know what to never be again. That my old void of solice is no such thing. It is a destroyer of life.I can only sit here and feel such regret I just mumble Im sorry to myself.

I appreciate this. It has shown me alot of things that I had not seen before. Im sorry for it.I love you and I never intended to hurt you like that.

Thank you for trusting me enough to share this.


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