Dogs & Roses

Dear Diary,

Well I just talked with the Pound. They said if I keep her at my place I can post a found card on their board. BUT, if I keep her for 15 days then she legally becomes mine. BUT if I dont turn her into the pound, I cannot get her spayed, shots, and microchipped(Wow high tech now) They dont do it for the public, Id have to pay for it all. So he said if I bring her in, and she is unclaimed after 6 days. I get first dibs on her. And then it will cost $55 to adopt her, and they will do all her shots, spay, etc.

Sounds like a wise idea. So Im gonna take her in today afterwork, and that way I also wont have to worry about her and my dog all weekend since I didnt plan to be home much and down at B’s. So it will work out, and plus will give her a shot to get back if she has a family looking for her.

Soooo, Im sad to take her bye bye, but its the best thing to do.

I also didnt write that I spoke with my ex online last nite. I had to talk to him about the kids off track time. So we went over that and we are going to swap weeks. Normally id get them first week of summer then him, vice versa, but instead he will go first, it just falls in line better with a schedule thing and my oldest teacher wants him in the intercession program, which runs for 4 weeks of summer to help with his reading, which my son did it before, its like free tutoring, so I can at least guarantee he will get a week of it if I swap the schedules, cause my ex prolly wont be able to get him there, and if my son misses one day hes out. So a week of it is better then NONE.

We also chatted briefly, about the dog, and I told him about the little ones behavior in school and to work with him on it. Not like it will do much, but I told him.

So he was all “Are you ok??” Im all yes why? Hes all “Cause your talking to me, I thought I was a Loser and a creep in your eyes”

I didnt respond to that. I said “How are u doing?” He said “I hate my life, I hate what I have done to my life, I hate this situation. I hate the things I did, I hate what I have done to this family, I hate what I have done to you, I hate what I have done to the kids”

All I could say was “Well you can turn that around” He said “Well not all of it” and I didnt pry further. Because I know he was getting at having us married and being together again. And I wasnt going to go there. If he really hates what hes done and has become, its up to him to start changing it ya know? And if he cant do it for himself? Well then he never will, cause he sure as hell couldnt do it for me when I told him over and over again what needed to change.

And Ive changed so much. And I was talking to B about it Memorial Day weekend, hes all “Victoria, you both screwed up” Which yes, we both did things. But I guess to me it felt like we were young and immmature when we married. I began to grow up, get responsible, have my own mind, and the whole controlling church we were in and the legalism.

I broke out of it, he was and is still stuck in that mindset, and I can just never live that way again. Ive changed way to much and I cant deny who I am now and conform and act.

And he couldnt not see he was abusive, he admits it at times, but hes not really done anything about it. I sought lots of counseling, support groups, reading, etc.

And the whole money thing, oh god no way. I used to worry and cry constantly about our finances when I was with him. Wondering when wed get out of debt. Silly debts that were created!

If I spend too much, its my own doing now, and it wont be a couple hundred or thousand. Spending $100 over my budget is like MAJOR spending for me.

I pay all my bills each month, my credit is good. I used my new credit card when Jen was here and wrote out the bill today for it. YAY! haha I have one other one thats new I charged the dentist bill and concert tickets on, but I plan to pay that off this month too.

And all I have is about a $600 credit card thats closed from Ex and I. I planned to pay it off with my refund, but Im afraid to put all the money on it, wanting to keep a little in my savings. So I know Ill get it paid off tho, the end is near! YAY!

YAY YAY YAY!

Im more upbeat now, guy friends that IM me I think are taken aback and dont relate to me so well feeling so good and not complaining or upset about something. Mr Comedy and I are talking a little again. His Dad is coming out next week to stay from New Jersey. And he just moved into a house so hes been doing gardening. For those who forget he grows the MOST beautiful fragrant roses! He learned from his family, and omgosh, I have one I kept that is dried and it smells so beautiful. He told me what he uses, and Ive done it a little with my roses last yr but need to start up again. He grinds up lemon, banana, orange peels, eggs, and even gets ground shoe leather, and adds it to the soil.

So I just throw peels and things in the blender when Im done with them for the plants. But I guess the leather has these nutrients in it that is really good for plants.

And then to smell his roses, OMGOSH, and they grow so beautifully!

Ok well Im off, tonight Im going to eat with B, stay the nite and hang out tomm until I have to come back home for the rodeo.

Sooo laters!