More Weekend ReCap

Dear Diary,

Morning. Well lets see, I got too tired to write anymore. So here is some more of my weekend.

B and I saw Matrix Reloaded Friday and we both liked it.

We then went to eat at AppleBees and the food and service sucked. B wanted to go there, the past 2 times I got a meal there it wasnt that good, I just go there for dessert. So after B ate there he was like “Umm ok, I wont eat here again” Since he and I have gone there for dessert he assumed the food was good, honestly its not and the prices for it. Not very good.

He was waiting at my house on Friday, I went to the gym after work for about 30 min. So was kinda fun to come home and see his car and him in my driveway. When I was driving to the gym I was thinking of him all sweaty driving out since he has no AC, and how Id be coming from the gym, and need a shower and would he join me? Then the thoughts and stuff started going and I had to shake my head. Woa wake up! I was driving. So I get home all happy to see him. Gave him a hug in the driveway. Hes rattling off something I totally forget. He does that, he will tend to go on and on about things, lol its so weird when you see the opposite end of something. My ex used to tell me I did that. And now I sit there with B at times and am like “Okkkk, get to the point already! Or Im just nodding as hes going on and on” Just way too much info at times thats boring is all.

Well when we got in the house hes all following me, grabbing at me from behind, being totally flirty, assertive, frisky, and well I LIKED IT! lol but I play it cool with him, back off, and let him play the assertive half so its not me most of the time. Well we didnt even make it to the shower. He just told me how hot I looked in my gym shorts and all sweaty from the gym, and well, that took care of that now didnt it!

Then we got to hit the shower together. We have this little back scrubbing ritual I started. I have this big loofa sponge and it feels so good and I do his whole back and then he does mine, oooo it feels soooo good. 🙂

So anyways, then we went to movie and dinner, and then that Eve he was once again frisky, and in the AM. So Im like WOA. haha.

We pretty much layed in bed a lot, snuggled, watched tv, ate, we went out to Home Depot to get cooler pads, and a few other stores on Sunday. Sat we went to the grocery store and bought stuff and B was making dinner. He made Angelhair pasta with shrimp, garlicy and with Pesto sauce, it was yummy! I love being cooked for.

Well B and I were sitting out front in the shade in the early eve Sunday with a drink, and just talking, my ex had called and was talking to the kids. Its not too often he calls while B is there, so I know the kids were telling him he was around and that they had just been wrestling with him.

Well my oldest brings me the phone and said “Dad wants to talk to you” So I say “Hello?” He says “Hi Victoria, I know you have company right now, but when you have the time could you give me a call so we can talk?” Im like “Umm ok what about?” He then says “Im sorry the other night” Im all ????????? He then goes on to apologize to me for what he said about the chick A hes been dating. And the remarks he made to me the night before he went to get the divorce papers. When he told me the whole God speech and trying to work on our marriage then flipping over and saying he loved A and would rather be with her crap all in one conversation.

So i said “Okay” He said “I could have used more tact” and so then he says “So could we talk sometime, you can make the call, its up to you, and we can talk about what happened with us, I just dont want to make the same mistakes”

I said “Listen, I dont want to talk to you about any of your relationships ok?” Hes all “Noo, Noo I want to know what happened with US” I said “Ex, I could tell you over and over again, I did that, we both have our own views on things, and we arent gonna convince the other to see one way”

He just ended the call with telling me to call him if I feel I want too when I have the time.

So B was sitting there during this next to me. Hes all “What was that about?” And made some remark about grabbing the phone and having a talk with Ex. Not that he really would have. We had both been drinking. So the mood between us. Well not to say there wasnt any truth in it, but the alcohol I think amplified the situation. Who knows how it makes B feel when my ex talks to me like that. B plays mr tough guy, but hes human too. So next thing we are having this discussion. Have no idea how it started really, and hes just talking about how he doesnt see himself as a Father, doesnt want kids, doesnt know if the whole having a wife, kids, house thing is really what life is about, that if its what he really wants. Just all negative stuff, and Im just sitting there, and after awhile I was getting very hurt. And I just said “You know how crappy it feels to hear all this from you when Im in a relationship with you?” And hes all “Well Im just being honest” and shrugging his shoulder. I started to get teary eyed, kids were outside riding bikes, and I didnt want to be crying outside so I just got up and walked away from him, he got up and followed in the house. And this resulted in us having a talk. Mind you, I knew the alcohol was a factor in how we were both acting, and I know that is not always the wise thing to do. So we both sat on the couch, I just told him “Look, I really love you, and if you dont really see this going anywhere at all, then let me know, dont mess around with me, cause I really love you”

Hes all holding me saying “I know, I love you to Victoria, Im just trying to be honest with you, do you want me to lie?” I said “NO” My complaint was “You will go on this negative speech about what you dont want, and then you leave it at that, you follow it up with nothing positive, nothing redeeming. Im not asking for the marriage and a daddy to my kids thing at this point. Hes all “But it is what you want down the line”

Well my mom showed up in the midst of this to work on the cooler so I had to get my composer together and stop the convo with B. So he stayed in with the kids while Mom and I worked outside. My little one did a dive bomb off the couch into B’s elbow and got a fat lip and one of his front teeth pushed back( its been loose, just got some help) So B came out all telling me what happened, and that he got the little one an ice pack. My little one was so funny later, hes beginning to be body/image conscious. Hes 7, and he walks in and says “Mom, My lip looks ugly!” And Im all “Its swollen, just keep the ice on it, it will go down.” And later that eve he was in his bed saying he didnt want to go to the Ren Faire next day cause he was UGLY with his lip! I had to tell him once again he was no ugly, then later he said he didnt want to wear shorts cause his legs had some bruises and didnt want people to see them. Im like “Hun, I have bruises, B had bruises, its ok, people dont think your ugly, your a little boy who likes to play and wrestle and ride bikes, You will have bruises, you are NOT ugly”

So after Mom left I grabbed B and we went back out front to talk. He said “See I have such a hard time, I dont like to be close to people, I dont like letting people down or upsetting them, so why bother being close, I just really dont like dealing with it” I said “Well hun, welcome to real life, YOU WILL let me down, I will let YOU down, its gonna happen, we are imperfect humans”

And I told him he is very negative at times and uptight, and he agreed with me, and I said he has this whole way about him lately of playing Mr Cold badass lately who acts like hes content with the way life is and doesnt want more or care much about others. So I had said some remark “Your too smart for your own good, you play like you dont need someone or really want a relationship. Yet I know you, the last 2 girls before me, when they broke up with you, well you started therapy after one and what she told you, the other told you that you were not romantic and you got a book on HOW to be romantic” Then he laughed and said “No I didnt, she bought me it” I said “Yeah and you kept it and READ IT” and hes all “Well ahhhh, yeah, it helps get the punani(umm girls in bed)” and I just glared at him, mind you, this is the way B is, he makes jokes like that often times, and he starts to laugh and deflect from the topic. I know him well enuff to see it. So I just give him the eyeroll, wait for him to finish his giggling and then tell him hes not avoiding the topic.

How he said hes an island, doesnt need anyone, how he said when I left him he actually missed me, and in some way felt he needed me and he was like NO! Im B! I dont need people! And wrote this whole journal entry about it he let me read. Hes all “When!” and resisting me on it, and I said “Hun you let me read that”

Anyways, he said “This is hard for me, Im not good at this, but I do feel this is Intimacy Victoria, what we are having right now, talking like this” I said I agreed.

I guess I still really havent put a finger on it, but I just wonder if its the drama to some degree B likes? I mean things are good and comfy, and then he will do weird stuff also? I dont really know.

So we went to my room and were snuggling for a long time just laying there in silence, then I began to be all silly, and climb on him, singing him songs. Just laughing n stuff.

B is aware of how my ex is a father to the kids, and he had this talk with me at dinner about how they need a real father the nite before. I was kinda shocked to hear that. Not that he can fill the job, nor have I ever asked that of him. But we were talking about my youngest, and B was saying my ex is basically a sperm donor. I said I disagreed. That my ex spends time and plays with the kids, takes them places. But what B was getting at was a parents job is mainly to teach, and instruct and show the children how to make it in life, how to be a man, and that my ex was not providing those tools. Which yes, when he got down to it, he was correct. I do not get assistance really on shaping the kids for the future, how im trying to teach my kids one way, yet when they are with my ex he is impulsive, he blames others for all wrong doings that occur, he is sadistic in his humor and nature, and just so much of what is going on with my youngest behavior wise, is a model of his father, so how can you work to correct it when they go see him and he models what Im trying to undo? And how can I get help if my ex doesnt see its a prob himself? Like the behavior thing in school. I told B “If I tell my ex much about it, he will just yell at my little one and tell him to knock it off or bribe him with some empty promise he cant always fullfill or will forget about”

So B went on about how he went thru much of this himself, not having a Dad, having to figure so much out for himself. Etc Etc. I guess its him looking at himself, he feels inadequate, and is placing a lot of pressure on himself to be something that I dont feel ive asked of him at this point in our relationship.

What do I want with B? I want someone to enjoy my life with. Enjoy me and my kids. Im not looking to marry right now or replace the kids Dad to be honest. I think B can pass on some valuable lessons to my kids, being my boyfriend. And I already see in some ways that he is. Sure I would like him around more. I think that is mostly what Im sad about all in all. Is just wishing he was with me more.

But I guess in some ways also he is correct, their is an end goal. But I do not know what it is myself at this time either. I cannot tell B I will be with him forever or anything like that. But I can say I hope for that, that I love him, that I am willing to take steps to work together to see if we can have that.

So who knows, when we were laying in bed and I was all singing and being silly with him I said at one point “I love you, and thank you for going so thru so much with me and standing by me” He said “Victoria, dont think for once it didnt hurt me when you went back to him that last time and that it was easy for me”

Its times like that I can see B is real, vulnerable, not so hard. He is just so internal with much of what he feels. I told him I was sorry, he said he knows, and I had told him what a mess I was that first year, not really knowing a lot of what to do, but that my heart was with B during all the time apart. Because it really was. I was in love with B, but trying to do the RIGHT thing, the Godly thing so I thought, and trying to deny how I felt a bout B and force myself to stay with Ex, hoping the feels would come back for ex, but they didnt. I fell in love with B way before that. I was just not at peace with God over my decision, I had a lot of confusion and voices from the church and the past that I was so confused over.

I finally broke out of it all. I knew I was in love with B. I knew I was lying to myself to stay with Ex and would be living a lie. I couldnt do it.

Anyways, B left monday AM. So he had stayed the bulk of the holiday weekend with us. It was nice. We also went out and washed our cars together in the driveway, Well I told him I was gonna, so lets do his car, and we went thru and cleaned out all the inside windows. His car is sooo neglected. It looked so nice. So depending on his money situation next week we discussed cleaning his Jeep. So I look forward to doing that next weekend. We shall see!

Music Dude spoke to me briefly last nite, said he bought a mountain bike, and is one his second time to try and quit smoking and is seeing his new therapist. Im proud of him. 🙂

Comedy dude messaged me, it has been a few weeks, ever since he flaked on me and I confronted him on it he was gone online. So last nite he messaged me saying “Im back online!” I didnt know he was off the net to begin with, so I told him that, and hes all “OH! THANKS!” and didnt say anything else, grrrr.

OBnoxious guy just had his boating, at the lake camping weekend, he invited the kids and I, but I didnt go obviously. He said everyone flaked on him again, he went alone but hung out with other campers up there. He was a little sad over it I could tell.

Well Im gonna scoot for now, Later