Will It Last?

Dear Diary,

Well Im home, took oldest to dentist. There goes $300, some fillings and I had sealant done on 2 of his permanent teeth.

He did really well.

I had written B a letter today, and still havent heard back on it, he said he would get to it though. I basically said to him (sorry Im just not in mood to type out what prompted all this, but we discussed many things about us and a future and where are we going, and why are things the way they are)

So I wrote…

B,

I keep going thru the convo last night and the part about the “Playing a game” in regards to not being available and you not wanting to pursue me cause Im there. And I guess it bugs me.

I really dont know what to do with that or how to interpret it?

So heres where my mind goes, if Im missing something here explain…

1. Why does one have to play a game with a person they supposedly love and want to be with?

2. If I back off, Im denying how I truly feel. Im acting like I dont want to be with you, or around you when I do, which in turn pisses me off inside.

On the other hand I understand it on some level on just needing time to back off, cause I said I went thru this with EX. He was all over me in so many ways that I didnt have opportunity to be the aggressor.

But I think with our situation its unbalanced. Like I keep stating if we were together day in day out I could understand. But we arent, so thats where it doesnt jive with me or make much sense, you feel Im too much, and I feel I have you too little.

You want me to give you some distance, and I want you to give me some time. But Im feeling Im the one accomodating what it is you want, and Im not enjoying it at all.

Some give has to come to my end. Even if its uncomfortable for you, cause it is for me too you know?

I really dont know how to do this, and I guess without some type of guidelines, play book, etc? I really dont know what it is you want, its so vague and broad, and I cant work well with it cause theres too much room for misunderstanding.

So there ya have it, 🙂

Im a little standoffish right now with him. Im so afraid right now in some regards. I also told him last night after he told me I dont do anything, i dont have friends, Im always available, Im not a challange, and in a weird way he wants that. And hes aware that its a game, but its how it is.

So I got upset and told him that I went out with a guy pal last weekend. It was to hurt him the way I said it. It was like HELLO! I do have friends, I have guys who want to spend time with me! Who are dying to have me around while my own freaking boyfriend doesnt.

I mean it didnt come out like that, but I had said “You dont even bother to ask me what I do when your gone.”

I swear I could fully have a whole other relationship on the side if I wanted and he wouldnt know or ask.

I have enough time for it.

So he got VERY quiet and just sat in silence on the phone after I said I went and saw Mr Obnoxious on my way home then went to Hollywood to see Music Dude. He said that I was hiding it and did I ever plan on telling him. Im like ??? Whats the point to say anything? You never asked or cared what I was up too. And you dont seem to care or have a prob if I hang out with guys.

But he went on this whole “Why did you not tell me you did that” thing. And to be honest I usually do tell him when I hang out with guys or friends, but I didnt this time, and yes part of me was mad at him that day, Mad he plans things to go out for a day but not with me.

So anyways, we are just dishing out some stuff, and I really dont know where it will all go. We let out a lot, say a lot but in the end seem to be able to say I love you, I miss you, etc.

We ended up finishing last nite talking about things I want to do, I want to see Hawaii, and him telling me about a nice place there and maybe we can do that together.

We talked about the Renaissance Faire since hes been before and all he had to say about it is “Drink waters, it frickin hot, expect to spend $100 on food and various garbage and admission” etc etc, It just sounds so negative and I told him that. I said “Why cant you tell me what is fun about things?” So he apologized and went on to tell me how its a blast, how the food is great, how much I will enjoy it”

We discussed a future, we discussed my children, and many things, and well I told him he doesnt want to commit to anything, and he agreed, but keeps this little dangling thread of “But Im not saying Im not unwilling at some point” Which I guess is what keeps me coming back. But I see a little change, glob on, and then it reverts to same ole. I have to hold up my standards of what I need and enforce them. I slack, I take what I get, and well, its just not FAIR to me.

I dont deserve to be treated that way, and its where Im speaking up and laying it out to him. I cant keep doing things this way. Somethings gotta change or else this wont last.