Letter to Boyfriend

Dear Diary,

Well It may not have been the wisest thing to send B this email, but I did. I let it out. Heres what I sent…

“Hi B,

Im in a really shitty fuckin crappy state lately. Im under stress if you havent noticed. So this might not be the nicest letter from me.

I dont have a boyfriend. Well technically by term I guess I do? But by definition Im not quite sure what that means. I dont have a support a person to comfort me or to lean on. You used to provide that. Now I just am met with silence, Im cryign last night feeling like Im losing it and your talking about your gym routine and weight on the scale and I feel as if my words are non exsistant. As if Im not being heard. I said to myself “Vicky, call him and tell him you need him, maybe hes just not to aware” So I do, you dont even get the message or say anything really about it once you did listen to it, other then fall asleep on the phone. I just threw it last night, I didnt say bye or anything to you but I doubt you noticed I was crying or in need.

Its time for ME to be selfish and dogmatic!

I dont know what to say to you much anymore, I dont know how to talk to you, I dont know how to have more of you in my life, I dont know how to see you more. I dont even fucking know how to spend time with you!

I wait, I wait, I get told Ill figure something up for this weekend, then You gotta work fri, then Im busy looking up websites. Yet all I get is Talk to me when Im not so sleepy” another day passes.

A relationship takes fucking work. You know how a CAR does, You research it, read books, buy tools, get help. ETC!

Well having a girlfriend requires that! TIME, EFFORT, LABOR, reading books, getting help.

Oh wait, im a human, not a car.

Im tired of being here in the distance. I cant be your girlfriend any longer if this is what it means. Im tired of being alone. Im tired of hearing your crappy jokes about my kids. I dont hear “Hey how are you doing, hows the boys?” Instead my oldest sits like hes gay, he wears gay plaid, Im raising mommas boys, Im gonna make them gay. I want you to be gay”

I never knew being sensitive, kind, gentle and affectionate made people Gay. Oh but wait you were raised different, my bad. Your stuck being that way huh?

Well fucking get yourself some help. Just because you were raised shitty doesnt mean you have to treat me the same way.

We all have choices.

Things have changed with us. I used to be able to count on you. You know the Shakira song? I used to feel i had a safe places where all my thoughts went and I could run to. Hell now I doubt even calling you because you have kept me at such a distance that Ive started adjusting to it and dont feel I should ask for much.

Vicky