Phone call with Net Guy

Dear Diary,

Well I spent all day in my jammies. Its been raining off and on, cloudy, windy.


I watched Moulin Rouge today, havent sat and watched it all since I got it for Christmas. I cried. I was all bawling at the end. Its just so sad yet beautiful.

Takes me back in time, well back to last year and the early part of this year.

B and I saw the movie together. And when I tried one last attempt to reconcile with my ex, my ex gave me the DVD for Christmas. He knew I loved the movie, but he had no idea it was the movie B and I saw, and how it applied a lot to our feelings for eachother. I sat with my ex watching Moulin Rouge, watching and feel like I was in a similar struggle. In Love with B, yet trying remain with my Ex who I didnt really love. And when the movie was over my ex said “I feel like Im your Duke” and he picked up on it right away! I didnt respond.


But it just feels like its changed so much between B and I. I know with time relationships dwindle, the passion and newness dies down. But to the place I am now? It sucks. I often times have begun to say “Im the once a weekend girlfriend” B is always busy. Even if I were close to B what would be different to be honest? More time to sleep together or sit around watching TV together? I need those things to build on, the putting time into the relationship, date nights, special outings to connect. And most of all the man who was kinder, more complimentary, more into self reflection and working on himself. What happened to him? He even told me about a month or a little longer ago “You want me to be Gay, and just work on my self and self improvement!” He said he has no time for that now, and I cant expect him to always be like that and journaling and all.


I miss romance.


I miss passion.


Most of all I miss being treated like Im special and nice things done to show he cares for me. It used to be his letters. Those were what fed the need in me.


Now its a daily phone call, which I do love, and hearing about his car, and how many levels he completed on his video game.


Day after Day. I need more to feed the relationship. Im starving. Im drying up.


Im so hungry for Love.


So I just cried while watching the ending of Moulin Rouge. Its a sad story, but then also the songs were songs Id say to B. How I gave him Shakiras “Underneath your clothes” as a song that said how I felt about him. And now those very songs dont feel the same anymore. That makes me ever so sad. 🙁


B got his car back. I called him this afternoon. Hes working tonight and will be in around midnight and said hed call. Yes I admit, part of me is dying to hear the words “Im driving out to see you Victoria” for tomorrow. I dont bother to ask. B hasnt been here in a month to my home.


I spent a lot of time online today just chatting with old chat room people I use to frequent. I joked a lot and had a lot of fun. Flirting about, being silly, making jokes, People laughing and I even laughed several times so that my children came in curious to see there mother laughing.


I met a guy this eve in the chat room who lives locally. Normally I meet people who are typically a hour or more away in this room since im on the outskirts. So he and I chatted a bit on Private message. Hes divorced. Aerospace industry guy. He has a 10 yr old daughter and full custody of her. The mother hasnt seen or contacted her daughter in 5 yrs. She is to pay him support and has skipped out on that also. So we talked quite a bit. He also has help from his Mother with his daughter.


He then asked if he could call me. I said sure. So he called me tonight. Just got off a bit ago. Hes 35. Hes interesting, not sure that hes anything that is interesting to me. Its nice to talk to someone though whos been through similar things and understands. But he just seems a little dull, hes into football(Im not) hes into Offroad dirt bike riding (Im Not) He has indoor cats (Im allergic) haha, but he seems nice. Hes also going to college for a degree right now. Hes living in the nicest part of town. And owns a home, just he and his daughter. He just ran out to get dinner, said he would call me back. I told him to look for me online. He was nice to talk to, but hes not as free flowing in convo, and a few times we just sat there on the phone. I was uncomfortable and not knowing what to say. So I thought he perhaps wanted to go. But by the end of the call he wants to call me back after he grabs dinner? LOL I dont know what else to talk to him about, it was a little strained for me, the effort to keep the convo going.

So here I sit. Another weekend, another one alone. It angers me, that I drive over to see him when the kids are away. I tell myself not to do it next time, dont go and see what happens, Make other plans without B. Why should I be the one to make the effort. Its his turn, hes got his car back, Make it up to me:(

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