Hurt, where does my heart go?

Dear Diary,

Just fixing dinner right now. I did a few things last week to come up with some extra money. I will have to get the cans from my parents OODLES of recycle cans to get the cash for also. So I feel a little better having brought in a little extra through a few various routes. YAY ME!

I had to stop by Target on my way home. Pick up Toilet paper, laundry soap, shampoo and a few other items I needed to get. Now I really have to watch it. I normally wasnt a big spender, but I didnt budget these types of outings. Now I have to be so careful until things change financially.

All my bills are pretty much set and will remain the same. So that end wont really go down, until another year if my driving record is clean and my insurance rates get to drop back down again. But have another year to go for that one.

Im feeling a lot of sadness over the B situation. I have anger towards my Ex. With B I have dissapointment and sadness.

This is not the relationship I want. This is not where I want to go. I tell myself its ok, because its enough for me right now. But then on the other hand, Ive learned to accept this is the way it is after much pain and crying about there being more, but realizing it just cant be.

I find that I miss B after a week or so, well last time was 2 weeks, of not seeing him. Then after I get back from seeing him, its harder for me to sleep with my teddy bear he gave me the first few nights. I feel better and not really am thrilled with the idea of having him around. And knew that the weekend was enough.

I read this site and message board full of women each day with boyfriends and husband who are abusive in so many forms and controlling. Women dying inside and afraid to leave and trying to get out and all the emotional pain for them and for their children. Hell what is going on with men in the world today? Seriously? Where are the men who know how to treat a woman with respect?

They seem so rare anymore. Even the guys I do know, I have doubts in the back of my mind about all of them also. Failed relationships, and wondered what failed? Did they mistreat their women also?

I want to say right now, Mr Comedy, he was probably the first guy whos spirit matched mine a lot. The optimisim, the zest for life. We laughed so much. And he was so wonderful to my kids. Granted he was in too much of a hurry to get married and the sexual thing just wasnt happening. But the other parts of him I loved so much. I felt EQUAL as a person. I didnt have to surpress who I was, I could let it flow, and he loved who and what I was and that I giggled, and smiled, and could be silly and had stories, etc.

I feel bad at times for the way I last spoke to him. I really doubt he will ever speak to me again after that. I just hammered him for not listening to me. Not that I didnt need to say anything, but I feel like I just stomped all over him. He went to Europe, He should be back now. He was going for a month with his family to see his sister.

I guess I should keep in mind, that is a good trait I saw in a man, a good sign to show that there are good qualities out there. Maybe he didnt contain the package I desire, but he gave me a glimpse that some things are possible.

Dating is tough, Investing time in people is a risk, I just am afraid.

Afraid of investing time in something that wont go anywhere.

I dont like how B treats me. I can say that. Wow, I just typed it.

I used to feel so special to him, even reading all those old emails he sent, how he always said what a beautiful, strong, wonderful woman I was. I dont hear those statements anymore.

Part of me wishes Id just stay more in the background. I dont call him or write him emails really anymore unless he does so. I havent receieved a card, gift, some affectionate sign of love like that in some time. I havent receieved a song or lyric or a CD.

He hasnt been out to my house in over a month now.

He is a child himself, he has no concern really for my children, because he has so much to do himself. Which is understandable. But is this what I want?

Im just thinking, and Im sad about it all I guess. Holidays are coming, and they hold conflicting emotions for me of where I want to be this year. My kids will not be with me. So it will just be Me. and I really dont know where I want to be, ::::Cries:::