Girlfriends

Dear Diary,

Well just got off the phone with a lady I met through group. Havent seen her in a few mos, I had tried calling her several weeks ago about getting together but didnt hear back. 🙁 But then she called his past week so I finally caught her at home. So we are going to attempt to go hang out my next weekend the kids are away! YAY!

We laughed, I love to laugh. She said ” I really need some girlfriends” and we both have a lot in common. Her ex is in the same line of work as mine. She hasnt been able to get any child support out of him, due to him not staying at job long enough or working under the table which is so common in Construction.

She is raising 2 kids just like I am. She is going to college right now and has been for years. I asked her “How do you make it?” She said she is living off of student loans and grants, AFDC, and they live in his sisters back house on her sisters property.

We commented on how wed both like to move from this area but cant afford to leave.

We talked about men. We laughed. So I really cant wait to get together with her. 🙂

I sat down tonight with my phone book and tried calling girlfriends I havent spoken to. Nobody answered but I left messages with 2 of my girlfriends. I also wrote an email to C up North about me and the kids coming to visit. I have 2 girlfriends who are a few hours away in nice areas and I want to get a way overnight with the kids for a visit and have discussed it already with both, so I just need to confirm it, they offered but just need to see if the timing is right for them also.

Its time for me to start living. Start doing things. I dont need a guy to be there. Its getting a little bit easier on me, but yes at times I just want a guy to glob onto. But I think Im improving. I can already feel Im being less needy. Im still talking to Drool dude. Hes always complimenting me and asking when I can come up his way and he will take me on a ocean life tour. Today a guy I have known for awhile asked if he could call me tonight. So far no call, we talked briefly this AM.

I am going through a lot of internal conflict over this relationship with B. I just visit this website/message board daily about different forms of abuse. I have become a regular now and I read so many posts and it strikes up feelings of things with B. At group I notice I dont like to say much about him because I feel embarrassed. My counselor nows though, Im completely honest with her, but today I brought up in group the way he talks to me. She said “It is a form of control, he expects you to know what hes thinking” and yes Im aware of this, I have been, I guess I feel that because Im handling it different now and not letting it slide that I want to see how things go? But she said “Well why even put yourself through that?” and she said “Right now you are sharing how it makes you FEEL, your feelings with him when these episodes occur, but next time instead of saying, If you keep this up I will leave, just LEAVE. Dont give him the opportunity to try and explain it, its not acceptable Victoria”

::Sigh::

I also notice whenever someone asks me how things are going. I say they are good, but I cant really gush over B or say how wonderful he is. Especially when people say “Is he good to you?” I honestly answer “Well…” and thats not a good sign Victoria.

B is not a terrible guy. But at the same time, he has some big issues. Im a very happy spirited soul. Im very upbeat, cheerful, positive. and I dont believe people have to be alike, but I notice more of me becomes surpressed when Im with B at times because of his responses. I cant be happy cheerful me without it pissing him off in some form because I need to CHILL OUT. The very thing about me I love, he tells me to stop at times. Or that part of me shuts off.

I keep thinking about the holidays. I want to be with B, yet part of me wants to go see my sister, and I can invite B, then I worry what B will be like with my family. Will he be withdrawn and pissy? Or will he be in a social mood. That also bothers me that I worry about that. That I am not eager to share the man I love with relatives for fear of how he will act. Victoria that is also not a good sign.

I just dont know, I am still staying put in this, but im also still continuing to pursue new friendships and outings and times out doing that which I love MINUS B. And with time, as a friend put it, I may see that I dont really need him, if I surround myself with the things that I want for my life and gain that confidence to be comfortable without him? Or things will perhaps change? But once again. Change cannot come from me solely. Healing and therapy is my road. B is not on that with his life. He has stopped.

So theres that. Just sharing a lot of internal thoughts.

I am wondering whats up with my ex and my work. They said they were going to have him come in to work to pay back money he owes them with labor. And he hasnt returned? So Im wondering well maybe hes busy doing something else? But then he told the kids he wanted to take them out of town all day Wed? (which he wont be) But why isnt he even working for my bosses? Im kinda in the dark on this end of things. So who knows whats up?

I will call D tomorrow. I wanted to call this eve but didnt think it would be good to call in the Eve when her Husband is home. So Ill call her tomorrow while Im at work to see how she is.

Later