Lonely Desperate Feelings

Dear Diary,

I swear I get wacky on weekends. Do I have some like emotional trigger for Sat and Sun? What the hell goes on with me?

If Im busy Im fine. But something about Sat and Sunday and sitting home. I loose all sense of motivation. I dont shower, I feel dirty, I dont want to eat, but eat out of neccessity. My diet today? 2 Hansens sodas, peanut butter toast and popcorn.

I just sign online. I get depressed. I feel the music dude thing has just gone out the window. Makes me wish I could just go back in time to where we we hadnt met and go back to things before. Now its just all weird.

He became my emotional umbilical cord if you will in a way I guess. Now everything has changed.

Im alone.

Im not, but I am.

I have a boyfriend, but really what do I have? A guy who says he loves me over the phone.

A guy Im crying to see more, I miss, I hurt over. Yet I feel so emotionally starved from. Yes today I have missed him. I tried calling. Guess he already left for work. So all I have to go on in his 4am call where I dont even really know what was said.

I hate feeling like this. I feel like a bad mom. Like Im so self absorbed and all. I just retreat into my room and watch TV. Thankfully they have eachother and just play. But I wish I was so happy and energetic to spend time with them and play and do all sorts of things. What happened to me?

I admit I need attention. I want it. I want to be loved by a man. I want a partner. B said the other night when we talked late, “You know I think in some weird way we are good for eachother”

Well for some damn reason I cant just drop the guy. I try and think about looking at the relationship through a different set of eyes. Accepting where he is, and then I feel like Im bad for saying its hard to accept how he is.

Well in a girlfriend sense it is, in a friend sense no. But to start a future with sense?

Im feeling pretty pathetic. I just want attention and to be held. And Id be happy with a number of a guys to be the one.

Despite the fact that B and I arent broken up, I feel as if I have been going through the feelings of the ending of something anyways. All this alone time and lack of having someone there to spend time with. Im going thru the grieving and withdrawls. I guess this is the period where some people go and sleep around just to fill the void.

Part of me thinks about driving out late to Bs to catch him when he gets home from work. Just to be in his arms and have him hold me. Then I always tell myself “No Victoria, make him come for you, stop doing all the work” and as far as giving B a taste of his own medicine. It doesnt seem to work, he doesnt operate that way. You pull away, he often just pulls away also. He isnt the jealous type either. He cant empathisize with people. I notice that is a trait he lacks , UNDERSTANDING OTHERS, putting yourself in others shoes. He grew up in a self survival mode, and well, he is still there.

Im just lonely and feeling a little desperate right now.

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