Just Pity Partying

Dear Diary,

Well as much as Im glad the work day is over, sitting home makes me sad. 🙁

I mope. I dont have much motivation. I am sad.

I was driving today and thinking about this thing with B. In the past I was a young whiney needy girl who had to spend every moment with my ex when we dated. Now I am far from that person. I give B space. I even go evenings or days without calling.

I guess with B I dont know. Its like you call and nothing changes, you dont call nothing changes, I go out and he doesnt really ask where I was or what Im doing, if I dont ask to see him he doesnt iniate as much to see me.

So its like nothing works? B is just content being in his own world. He can come home at the end of the day and not have to call me or anything.

And Im not talking like call me every minute kinda deal.

I got online today and a guy B and I both know started to message me. He was at B’s party the night he and I hooked up. So nows he all “So are you still with B?” I said Yes. He said “Marriage?” I said NO, he said “Living together?” I said No. Hes all “Oh well are seeing other people cause Im waiting in the wings”

Hes a dork, Im not even attracted to this guy, he looks like Baby Huey and has no neck. He has a daughter, we talked years and years ago a few times on the phone. Hes a Hispanic guy who is looking for his “Mammi” and well I aint her! Eeeck!

But its just the convos, I have been asked several times about the person in my life. And i just say “Yeah, things are good” and keep the answers brief, because in the online circle word spreads, and I dont want these people in my business.

But I do feel so very very sad.

I know I am chosing this place I am in, its something I have to work through.

I fell in love with a man who is emotionally closed off and doesnt have much need or dependency for people in his life as a whole. I have already told myself he will be too tired to see me with this new job since he just started and hes gonna say how tired he is and how the drive wears him out and is rough on his car. I dont really care at this point. I do all these things every day and have since we got together. so its really hard to be sympathetic.

Oh God I just got another message from another guy who knows us both! Whats going on!

Today at work the sound guy was there again, He came walking into my office and said “Are you good with colors?” Im like huh? Im sitting behind my desk and he walks over and has to match to color wires together, and asks me to match them??? It was really silly unless he has some vision probs? But he was so cute. Then he said “Always gotta get someone elses opinion” and walks off.

I get all nervous around him and I try and be all cool and not overly enthused, haha.

Well music dude is busy today once again, he had a meeting this AM for accounting and taxes, then he has to work tonight at 5pm they are doing a film shoot at the club. And he has his daughter! Eeeks! He said he is gonna come home and pass out. I miss talking to him also. We havent really connected much since I left there. So I keep wondering if anything is up or if hes just super busy. Hes kinda become my buddy with B’s lack of being around.

I started to think also about how I thought B rarely called me cause he didnt have his own phone and the long distance was blocked on his roomies. Now he has his own line and rarely calls. 🙁 Why is he being like this? He knows how I feel how I get lonely , yet he just stays the same? Says he understands, but then here we go.

🙁