ASKING WHY?

Dear Diary,

Do you realize how hard it is for me to just not ask myself WHY?

I sit here this evening and tell myself “Dont ask why Vicky, just say how you feel. Express it, dont try to figure it out, just let it out.”

So I guess that is what I will do right now. Just free flowing thoughts, impulsive, off the top of my head, not edited, not thinking of what others think or feel is right. Just sharing whats inside of me.

Im Love a man, B. What I love most about him is that he listens and allows me to speak. And that he is such an emotional lover. Similiar to a woman is the best way I can put it. His touch, his way he expresses himself, he enjoys the after cuddling just as much as myself. He can be tender and kiss the back of my hand, say wonderful things about me and my body, make love to me so caring and gently, yet giving his all. I honestly have found a great lover in him.

I hurt also. I feel alone often. I feel only needed in his life when its necessary, I dont feel like a partnership. A relationship striving towards a future of more togetherness. Yet when I think of the togetherness it scares me. Im afraid of what he is like as a person, that he is too harsh for me. That he doesnt want to listen to everything. THat he feels he is somewhat superior in thoughts then I am? I fear him with children, that he doesnt have the patience, the softness, the nurturing.

I grow tired of expressing the desire to hear from him or get a call, and some days it just feels its ignored. I sit wondering where he is and no call or no communication, and it just goes by once again. I feel strange. Its just not comfortable for me.

This is where I want to start asking the WHYS?????

Im trying to retrain the whys (like right now I want to say Why do I feel this way? Am I just afraid to be alone? Am I too needy? blah blah blah

Vicky you want a partnership.

I want to hear from someone, I want to spend the weekends with a person when we are both not working, the kids relaxed on the floor, us snuggled on the couch. Someone who can readily hug my children when they hug them, and exchange is mutual and heartfelt. I love my sense of optimism.

Yeah Im doing a lot of comparing. I cant help it. You meet others and wonder what things would be like. Perhaps Im fantasizing? But how can I not?

Ive met a man who has a career, who is passed the goofing around years and thinks of sharing the future with a partner. He said “I talked with an old man once who said to me “All you want when your older is companionship and someone you can talk to” when your in your later years. Those are the things that remain. A person who you can talk to and enjoy ones company.

A man who thinks its cool I have kids. A man who is in therapy and is open to share, a man who is honest about his mistakes, his downfalls, who can admit to himself these things.

And wow a man who has even said “Sex isnt everything” who really wants to TALK to you and get to know you.

Once again the whys want to creep in. I guess its me wondering if theres some missing piece. or WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Why do I begin my search while with someone?

Why am I afraid to end something? Why is it another person propels me to consider this?

SEE WHY WHY WHYS!!!! ARGGGGGHHH

I walk around all day with my children, once again longing for a partner to share things with. I thought I found that. But here I sit, doing what I once did with my Ex. Wondering what this would be like with someone else? I feel guilty for thinking this way when I have B. 🙁

Im afraid to face this, Im afraid to tell B this. I guess I keep hoping it will change? That maybe if I just stay away from talking to this guy it will become strong with B again? But this has been an ongoing thing. Even when another man isnt around I have had many doubts about this thing with B. Its just when another man appears it helps me to speed up my feelings and really consider them.

Here I have a guy who said he wants to go to a beach house with me. And the one I have spent almost 2 yrs cant afford it, grudgingly talks about it, shows no enthusiasm.

But Music Dude would say “Grass isnt always Greener”

Oh Im confused.