Miss Him

Dear Diary,


Kinda in a wandering state around my house. Thinking about B. About how I miss him. The him I used to see. The one who peeks out at times but not for too long. But it also reminds me of similar feelings my friend J is going thru with her situation. B is dealing with stuff and retreats. He even commented and said “See Im not THAT BAD, Im not THAT emotionally unavailable” When referring to her situation. But he knows that he is bad and admits it.


I have laid in bed many nights this past week, just laying there, with B’s teddy bear next to me. Some nights holding it, some nights debating holding it. Its what makes me feel close to him when hes not here, but then I just feel so distant that the Teddy at times feels so empty to me?


Im sad.


I want to call him and talk, but I really have no idea how to say what I feel? And is it appropriate?


I have thought many times about ending things with B. But I know I also love him terribly and would miss him so badly. We have a strong bond. But then at the same time. I feel alone often and that he is content in this, And I am often not. And either I accept it this way, or I nag him about what I dont like, or I end it? What other option is there?


How can I communicate to someone who is just so blank lately? I know he is depressed and I dont want to kick him down further. But part of me is just feeling like DAMMIT B GET YOURSELF BACK IN COUNSELING!


So tonight I wander, wishing for a phone call.


Wishing for the perk in his voice to return. He was so blank earlier, unemotional, just sort of COLD is the word I use to describe him.


I have joy inside of me, happiness, optimism. B is a depressed hole often times, just sucking things in,bringing things down. Then he has moments of shining and it gives one hope, but its very short lived. I wish hed get out.


As I sat here feeling sad. I thought to myself “Yes Victoria you are sad. But it will be ok. You can handle this” and well its true. I think back to being married and keeping a diary and how my entries were filled with pain and despair and just wanting out. How i used to cry so much in my home. A LOT of CRYING.


I dont do that. 🙂 Sure I cry, but its not that deep dispair, bring on a migrane, trying to escape the pain and pleading for Help from God pain to get me out of this. That is a comfort to know. To realize how long i have slept alone and Im ok with it. Sure B stays over, but generally I dont get that but once a week on average.


Its nice Music dude calls and likes to talk. I enjoy it, Im also saddened by it, because my Man isnt the one calling.


Ohh B 🙁 I guess im trying to hold onto parts of him to carry me thru, yet certain parts are so not there lately and its tough on me. I try to cling to what Hope that remains, and Im afraid it will wear to thin, How long does one wait? Im not asking people for that answer, its more to myself.

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