Grrrr Why Here?

Dear Diary,

Well Im feeling a little bit better so far today. 🙂

I just lounged around at home after work and in the eve. Uneventful but that was ok. I really just wanted to be ALONE. And the kids of course are in every few minutes talking and with something else to say. Im like “Mommy just needs to relax a bit, let me have some quiet time”

Yesterday when I left work the sky looked wild. It was red. It wasnt until I turned the corner did I see all the smoke coming from the nearby mountains. It was the mixture of sunset and the fire. There are several fires burning around here. But one closer to us started yesterday. B just missed it by about 2 hours on his drive home. We have about 3 different routes to take to drive back and forth. We both have pretty much given up the freeway and have a side road we take, then there is the canyon. The canyon is the prettiest drive but its winding so I dont take it too often unless Im just in the mood for a slow drive. But that is the one that has been shut off and the area surrounding evacuated once again. Its such a pretty area to drive through, but homes have already been burned. They havent said yet if its arson or not.

Last night they evacuated I heard on the radio 200 people. And on the news yesterday they were allowing people to use the local fairgrounds for their livestock. I guess there was some ranch of 95 or so horses! And people just came out with horse trailers who didnt know the guy to help get his horses out of there.

So as I laid in bed last night just the smell of smoke is everywhere, even in the house.

I didnt know if Id hear from B. I kinda expected not too. Since I told him how I was feeling and things kinda got quiet then and typically when we have time together he just doesnt normally talk or call the day he returns home. And its hard for me not to call. Its a practice for myself in neediness. Resisting the urge to pick up the phone. But I did it. About 10pm to my surprise the phone rang and it was B. 🙂 Things are ok. We just chit chatted, he went over to help a friend with some computer problems. He is the computer guy, he was going to school and taking computer classes and was veering off into a career in that area, but Im not sure where his mind is now, but hes often over helping people, knowing very well people get paid to make service calls and do what he does. But he just does it for those who ask, old classmates, coworkers, and friends.

We talked until midnight we were both falling asleep.

Well Im still waiting for a response from the ex. I wrote him yesterday. Since he told the kids hes gonna get them friday. Ugh I always go through this crap. He always changes plans but doesnt inform ME. He tells me one thing via email, tells the kids one thing via phone. So I have the kids telling me one thing and then Im stuck in the awkward spot of having to confirm it. It pisses me off, mostly because he tells the kids when and how so they are all excited and telling ME how its gonna go. So I wrote ex and reminded him that he told me sat at 8am at the courthouse. And hes telling the kids hes getting them friday. Plus I need to know because my mother does the drop offs.

Im so annoyed right now.

Just the fact of things hes been doing recently. Especially after that article I read that said “Like physical abusers, emotional abusers will often stalk their former partners. The stalker’s objective is often to control her through cultivating fear rather than making direct or specific threats, or confronting her. Sometimes this stalking can take the form of simply moving into the same neighborhood as a former partner, and letting her know, through friends, where he is living. His move into her neighborhood will be “justified” by him for some specious reason, but the reality is, he can’t let go and is still trying to control her and inflict pain on her after the relationship is over. This is a subtle form of terrorism, because abuse victims are often very emotionally (if not physically) afraid of their abusers once they wake up. She will know that she might run into him at the local convenience store, gas station, supermarket, or on a walk. He is, in effect, pissing on her boundaries (something abusers have no respect for) and trying to make them his own. He may even begin dating someone who lives very close to her, so that he has an excuse to go by her house, or park his car nearby.”

I started to think about all he has been saying to the kids leading up to this. Each call he has been telling them hes trying to move back, saying to Los Angeles. Then over a week ago he told my youngest one to ask me “Is it ok if Daddy moves back? Daddy told me to ask you” You dont tell a 6 yr old to do that!

Then the last call. He names the town, which is right here where I work, he even told my little one “Ill live in that town so I wont see your mom at the store or anything” WHY? Why even bother telling them that? I dont say that type of thing to the kids. And IM the one who is trying to avoid him.

I have no idea if he is still dating that chick from my old church. But that was just another one of his moves that didnt make much sense. Why date someone who you see about 2 days every 2 mos and who knows your soon to be ex?

I was like “Why her? Why someone here?”

And now hes back.

I cant help but feel the fear. I try to give myself talks, but to have lived with this man and go through all I have been through in the marriage, then after the separation, then between his mother and him and the sexual allegations regarding the kids. These people are just OUT THERE. I dont trust him, I dont trust his mother.