Morning Aftermath Feelings
Dear Diary,
5 hrs sleep and Im awake and cant go back to sleep even though my body needs it. Of course I wake up wondering about B. Wondering if hes written or tried to call(ha, yeah right) But inside I still wish or hope he would wake up. Thats my part of the problem. Hoping and believing that he will change. He even said to me this last week “Victoria, do you believe in me?” I said “Yes I do, I think the problem is you dont believe in yourself”
Mr C will call me in an hour, Im partly nervous to go out with him today. I started to think about what Celandra said in her last comment. Ive got people telling me B is playing games with me. And somehow I still keep trying to blame myself for what is occurring. Im not reponsible for him or his actions.
Im partly nervous because Im being the wounded little bird, come rescue me, type with Mr C. How im vulnerable in many ways also. So I need to be careful too. Cause we talk about in group how we appear that way and the types we attract. Yet with Mr C I didnt start out doing all that. So hes actually a bit shocked to see me like this. When I was crying on friday night and telling him what was up he said “Victoria, you deserve better then this, I know this Victoria who I met who is full of giggles and smiles”
I saved the convo with B last night. Some other stuff he said..
“i dunno i guess im just nt used to the idea of people wanying me around without inviting me…….fucking get used to it. Cause that aint reality. Maybe some bullshit obbsessive crap you lived with before but you aint getting that from me. you dont even want to e my g/f, what time do you thjnk I owe you right now? do i live with you? Should I have a life that isnt 100% dedicated t o you?”
In between it all I told him I wanted a REAL relationship. That I didnt feel I had that. How can a person be obsessive and want 100% of a persons time in this situation. Ive never even had close to that. We see one another about once a week for crying out loud. Im not there over his back watching everything he does. I dont know where he always is.
Ugh Victoria, stop talking about this…