Your Not Losing Me

Dear Diary,


YAY! Its Friday! Ive been so tired this week getting up.


Talked to B last night, about us, sort of “If we are to try this relationship how do you want it to be? How would things change, what would we do different?”


I felt like it was a bit difficult to get him to answer for himself. I had to keep stopping him and saying “No, dont speak for the past, or what I have said or what you think I want, tell me what YOU want” he really diverted that one a lot. He really doesnt have much to say. Other then “My door has always been opened to you, you can see me at any time, you can come over at anytime”


We also talked about this whole hiding factor of us. That its time for that to come to an end. The divorce is going to happen, I dont need to be afraid and fear what others will think, I am a grown up and can do what I want.


We didnt really have a final conclusion to the conversation. He is most likely coming out tonight. But he asked at one point “So I can get up and not hide from the kids and make breakfast?” I said yeah its time this stops, the hiding.


But then I started to feel very nervous. I asked him if he was nervous if we make these changes. He said “not really, but you have a lot more at stake then I do”


I really fear what people will say and do. My mother, close friends, church friends. I need to stop that but its a hard way of thinking Im still trying to change.


I also felt a bit scared after B and I spoke, unsure if Im ready for this, feeling a bit of panic. I love him, yet Im scared of this? Why? So I keep reminding myself that is a feeling I do need to pay attention to.


Mr C called yesterday, I called him back on my way to the gym last night. He said that I sounded strange, what was up? So I told him about the talk with B, he told me to go for it and give him a try, that I should try a couple times just with the kids, see how it goes, if I like it, if B likes it, see how all of you together works. And then make a decision from there.


He also said “Listen if something is up, just tell me ok?” I said “Well a lot of times I dont know what to say or I dont even understand whats up or know what Im doing” he replied “Then all you have to say is exactly what you just said, that you dont know, then I at least have some idea because I can tell when you are acting different” he then said “Victoria, you are not going to loose me if you try and works things out with B ok?” :::Sigh::: Once again one who will hang around and still be there.


I really dont know how to integrate this whole B thing with the kids. I dont know what to do as far as us spending time together. See hes planning on coming out, but we are going to dinner the 2 of us while the kids are at VBS. Then it will be close to their bedtime when we get back. He has to be at work by 3 tommorow so he can spend the early part of the day with us. But thats not really enough time to take off and go many places, and I really dont know what to do locally. I mean sure there are things, movies, park, bookstore(hmmm thats an idea) I guess I have this preconcieved notion with B. Its like I usually have to come up with what to do. It takes such work on my part, I dont like that feeling that things dont just flow, that I feel like most places will be the kids doing one thing, and him and I sitting together doing another.


Yes I got a bit spoiled meeting Mr C. Him iniating outings, taking care of the transportation, treating me and my kids, then showing up prepared with “Kid things” to do and actually doing things WITH THEM, not even being asked. I mean the guy showed up with a bag of goodies, played ball with my kids and had a blast, and the night he met them how he said to me “They are awesome” still takes me aback, first time Ive really ever had a man speak that way about my kids. So its like I can think of going anywhere in my mind with Mr C with the kids and it seems like it would be fun and easy, not a strain to make it work.On the other hand do I need to give B some slack, this is new for him? Or am I making excuses for him? He has a choice to do things with them and initiate it, just like the night he took us to Spiderman, he invited us and said he wanted to take us and paid for us all. That was a nice thing 🙂


Mr C called me last night around 10:30pm and left me a voice mail, he had a bachelor party for some friends who are getting married saturday. And hes calling me during it?? He said he just wanted to hear my beautiful voice. I called him back and he said “I wish you were here with me” we talked about how much fun we both have with eachother. He was at some wild sushi place where he said people were dancing on the tables, and I guess this was a bride and groom bachelor party, which I thought was cool, they were together and it was men and women. I told Mr C to go back to his party and have a good time. We said goodbye.


God the things I get myself into.

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